4 year old behavior-recieving feedback from childcare

[Christinak74]

My son will be 4 in just a few weeks. I just recieved a disturbing email from his daycare provider which causes me a lot of concern.

The note details how we didnt want to eat the food she had made for lunch yesterday and refused to try it even though she had made the same thing before and he had enjoyed it ( I find he does this sometimes at home but was not really concerned about it) She goes on to talk about how she had a huge struggle getting him to help clean up toys before going outside to play with another boy.  He didnt yell or fight her he simply did it so slow that it became very frustrating for her ( again he has done this at home)She mentioned that when she put him in time out he was making spit bubbles...he has done this at home but I always advise him it is unacceptable. He also refused to make eye contact with her which she attempted to discuss the issue with him. Jake has always had an issue with eye contact ( since birth) but it hasnt gotten much better lately and is usually only when he is being confronted about something he has done.
She mentioned that he likes to play by himself quite a lot and I know this is true however over the last month or so he has made huge strides and will ask for play dates with friends and play with the children at daycare who are the same age or older then him...he does not enjoy the babies and actually appears a little scared of them.

Whenever he gets in trouble or doesnt want to do something he asks for me. She also says he frequently overreacts to situations..which to be honest he does. He had almost seem to pass the tantrum stage but in the last few months it had made a resurgance where he will cry and scream if he does not get what he wants or if he gets frustrated.
My son does not hit, punch or kick other children. He does not have long drawn out tantrums they are short lived ,lasting only minutes its just that he reacts quickly.
contd...

[jdtm]

Your entire posting is describing behaviour common to a child exhibiting anxiety and/or anxious behaviour.  I feel the post by "allmymarbles" has the correct idea - change to another nanny.  If that cannot be the case, then I might suggest that you find information about how one can relate to an "anxious child" (there's lots of information on the internet re this topic) and educate your present nanny.  One more thing - sensory issues are often co-morbid with anxiety issues so the comment by the pediatirician was not unexpected.  I suspect when your son feels comfortable, most of these sensory and anxiety issues will disappear.  I wish you the best ...

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

To be frank, the behaviors described in the e-mail should be very easy to address via a systematic behavior management program. The behaviors are not at all serious - they require a response, but the response should be straightforward limit setting. If such behaviors are causing alarm in this provider she is not very capable.

[allmymarbles]

Change to another nanny. I suspect your little boy and she do not get along well.

[allmymarbles]

"I also think all children are different and we can't expect them to all act the same..what a sad world it would be if we were all made out of the same cookie cutter mold."

Right on!

And we also need a little tolerance.

[Christinak74]

Wow

I can't believe how much everyone's comments resonated with me. I feel like the comments I got were all right on and confirmed the thoughts in my mind....

1/ I need another daycare provider.

2/ I do think my son is anxious. I know that the has sensory reactions to anxiety and your comments struck home with me JDTM.

I am interviewing child care providers this week. I will also bring up the letter when I visit my son's pediatrician for his 4 year check up.

My husband and I always respond to my son's behavior using the best discipline we see fit based on the situation, I feel we are consistent but I also think children display certain behaviors for different reasons and at various stages in their development. I dont think behaviors can be fixed by waiving a magic wand but by acting approriatly and consistantly  I have always seen slow and steady improvement.

I also think all children are different and we can't expect them to all act the same..what a sad world it would be if we were all made out of the same cookie cutter mold.

I thank everyone for their very useful and appropriate comments and welcome any further advice.

Thanks

Christina

[Christinak74]

It is so funny you  should say that because I was thinking the same thing..she never really seems to have anything positive to say to any of the childrens mothers..he starts school in Sept and will be starting a new daycare within the next month or so.

My concern was that she made it seem like his behavior was abnormal for a 4 year old where I see a lot of this type of behavior in my son's friends who are the same age. I dont think my son's behavior is always perfect but does it really seem out of the ordinary?

[Christinak74]

He is very intelligent although he has a short attention span. Last year I had him evaluated by a developmental pediatrician because of the issue with eye contact and playing with other children, she said he is clever and charming and very age appropriate she saw no signs for concern other then a few sensory issues which he would likely outgrow. I began to hope he might be okay..then this email threw me off guard.

Does anyone see cause for concern or are these just normal 4 years issues that we need to work through?

Thanks for any advise in advance

Christina