4 year old behavior

[cstal77]

I recently left my alcholic spouse. Towards the end of my relationship my son was starting to act out. Telling me no all the time, not listening, So I know that the relationship had some effect on him. because my spouse was also verbally and physically abusive.I am just wondering, how I can get my child to stop saying no to me. I will tell him what to do or not to do and he will tell me no with a grin on his face, but still do what I asked him sometimes, without arging with me about it or else sometimes he will whinn?

[koukla29]

I completely agree with Cleveland Mom.  In addition, make sure to use positive reinforcement when he is doing the right things.  "I really like the way you put your toy away when I asked you," or "I'm so proud of the way you washed up for dinner, we are going to have some ice cream for dessert!" (you might want to say that after he eats dinner:)  You don't always have to give him something in order to ecourage his good behaviors, but aknowledging his good behaviors will make him desire your positive attention.  

In addition, family therapy is absoultely wonderful amd helpful when families have gone through trauma.  You and your son can attend therapy together, and this can help open communication about the abuse he has witnessed and experienced in the past.  Insurance usually covers this type of therapy.  In addition, university counseling centers offer free services to the public, and you may receive family counseling there for free.  Good luck!

[bip]

Ill try not to say NO to my son Ill try it a different way what you were saying. Thank you

[bip]

You sound like you will do fine.  Your a good mom

[Agiesmom]

I just wanted to add that you might try to avoid the word "no" yourself--try giving him an alternative thing to do when he's misbehaving.  For example, instead of saying, "no" when he throws a book, say, "Books are for reading only." as you put the book away.  They know what they are doing is "wrong"--it's an attempt to get a reaction/attention (even if it's negative).  I'd keep your reaction calm, short, and sweet.  And then catch him doing the right thing and praise him.  The next time he's looking at a book nicely, sit down with him and read the book to him.

Regarding the whining, my son tried whining when he was younger after being around another child who whined.  I nipped it the bud by calmly saying, "I can't understand you when you talk like that--please use your big boy voice so I can help you."  It worked, but you need to be consistent with it--don't respond positively (get him what he wants) when he whines.

[cstal77]

well i hope this will pass soon. because he gets all whinny sometimes and its so annoying. but i dont give in to him, i know better that would be big mistake.

[tiredbuthappy]

i agree- don't give him an opportunity to say no! i have worked with many children who cannot handle being told what to do. it is often a control issue. Instead, phrase it so that he has more control of the situation by giving him a choice. For example, "do you want to put your pajamas on first, or would you like to brush your teeth first?" When a child doesn't respond, I will often say, "you need to choose, or I will choose for you." This will usually get a response. It also works with other situations. "You can appologize right now and help find a way to solve this problem, or you can go to your room and calm down first. You choose." I have had extremely defiant children challenge scenarios like this, at which point i usually say "if you don't choose, I will choose for you, and you probably won't be happy with my decision."

I have worked with many, many children with behavioral difficulties, and as long as the child has the language and cognitive skills, each and every child has responded to this technique. You will have to explore wording, as each child required a slightly different approach, but the underlying principle is generally the same. The outcome is something you want, they get to control how to get there.

[Cleveland Mom]

You are right to recognize that the children who witness a abusive relationship very often impacted in a negative way.  At the same time you are the mommie and you are in charge.  Children need and want parents who are in control it help them to feel safe and cared for.

You need to set up a behavior plan.  Start by selecting 2 negative behaviors of your son's that you want to reduce and eventually eliminate i.e. back talking and yelling.  Tell him that there a new rules and that whatever 2 behaviors you select will no longer be tolerated and that he will be given a consequence of a time out if he engages in the behaviors.  The time out should be 1 minute for each year of his age i.e 4 minutes for a 4 year old.  Time outs should occur in a boring place like a bathroom or utility room.  BE VERY CONSISTENT AND YOU WILL GET RESULTS!  

I set a plan with my two kids ages 4 and 2 and within a week we had remarkable results, the past few weekends have been the most peaceful and best ever.  They are doing what is asked of them, the first time I ask, they are better at the dinner table and are getting along better.  My husband and I are happier and they are happier.  I feel so much better and confident as a mom because I know that I am helping them develop self-control and emotional maturity.   A great book is SOS: Help for parents by psychologist Lynn Clark.
Best wishes...

[bip]

Try not to let him win. When you say no show him you mean it don't give in. Believe me I have a 4 year old and he is like that but I show him Im the boss not him. Im sure what was going on with your spouse didn't help but I think you did the right thing you and your son It was a big step. Just stick with your word when you say no  you mean no. I learned from that  my son will be 5 and when I say no he thinks Ill give in. I used to but not no more I show him who is the boss. It will take time.

Good Luck!!!!