4 year old boy..can't stop touching mother

[sjnacasale]

Hi,

My wife feels something is wrong with our 4 yr old son.  He is always touching her as if he needs to be soothed. My wife does not understand what is going on. He’s always done this, but she is saying it seems to be getting worse.  I think she is just getting fed up with the whole thing after 5 years of it. We are a two parent household and talking about a very happy, healthy and loved child.  My wife has to be one of the best mothers I’ve ever seen, very attentive as well as someone that sets reasonable guidelines for both him and my two year old daughter.  She bends over backwards for our children’s happiness and many times totally sacrifices her own needs for them.  She cares for them if she is sick, healthy stressed, you name it. They are our top priority. To my wife, this behavior is ok if it is once in a while, but seems way too excessive.  This is a daily activity almost every time they are physically close to one another. He is always grabbing the under part of her arms, pinching her feeling her skin and sometimes “accidentally” touching her breast.   She complains he just can’t give her a simple hug without a bit of other touching.  The other day, she took my son and daughter to their friend’s pool next door.  My son who normally very friendly and plays well with these other children and is normally excited to swim (he’s at the beginning stages of swimming) preferred to sit on the edge of the pool with my wife and pinch/touch her underarms.  At one point my wife said he licked her arm.  Long story short, my wife was very upset by this and couldn’t understand what was going on.  Also, he is 4 turning 5 in three weeks, he is starting kindergarten.  I think this could be some anxiety leading up to school.  Getting on a school bus..etc, however we did send him to 3 day a week pre-school for the last two years and camp most of this summer. As the father and husband, I don’t think there is any problem, I feel he is just at that son/mother Freud stage and this behavior will eventually go away.  Can you provide your thoughts?

Thank you

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The behavior is not within the norm for his age. If in all other respects he appears to be developing in a normal way, the behavior likely does not represent a serious long-term difficulty. It will be important for you and your wife to set clear limits on the behavior. Tell your son what sorts of physical contact are acceptable, and be strict about the limits you'll set. If limits aren't set, you're fundamentally condoning the behavior and reinforcing it. Your son will thus learn that such behavior is OK, and that is not the lesson he should be learning.

[sinial]

I also have an almost 5 year old son who loves to pinch and occasionally lick my elbow.  It is very irritating to me.  He is otherwise normal, healthy, smart.  He is the oldest of 3 but he gets plenty of attention from me and my husband and all of the grandparents.  I feel bad reprimanding him for seemingly such a silly thing but I feel he is getting too old for it.  He has been in school for over a year and is doing well.  He only does the elbow thing with me and my grandmother with whom he is quite close.  I have offered him a reward if he stops for a week. I don't feel that he has a problem, I would just like him to stop.

[woofytoyou]

Hi
That seems to be an over involved mom.  We think we are doing so good for our kids by doing everything we can form them, making it 'nice', going over the top for them' - but you know all it does is make them overly dependent on us, - it BACKFIRES.  
Makes them clingy, whiny, overlysensitive, and their self esteem dips to low low levels, as shyness takes over.
These kids don't 'allow' their moms to speak, have a life, get a life, and if boys, have no respect for their sisters, or moms.  What they say, goes.  The moms have a codependent prob. with the dads, as they probably are absent dads emotionally, and the mom martyrs for the whole family and on and on.
The whole idea is the kids to become independent, respectful loving, eager to learn and capable kids, not the above.  Moms need to wake up and allow the kids to be responsible and stop talking for the kids,  giving them chores, and set boundaries.
I have seen delayed physically and emotionally kids because the moms WANT their kids dependent on them, which is so unhealthy.  They don't even know they are doing this!
Woofytoyou

[alowerysmom]

A related discussion, 4 year old boy still sleeps with mom was started.

[carol352]

A related discussion, 4 or 5 yr old boy touching mom - is not so fearing as you are sounding was started.