4 year old cries daily at school

[mamanoodlez]

hello doc,

my daughter started pre-k this year. before that i took her to a mother's day out program on and off, but this is her first full time experience.

She wakes up fine, gets dressed, has breakfast, even walks into school happy. The minute I hug her and turn around is when she SCREAMS. She wants another kiss, or hug which i don't succumb to because i know it's just an excuse. The teacher pulls her away and she tells me that a few minutes after i'm gone and she's fine.  That would be terrific except that it's now the 4th month into the school year and she's still doing this DAILY. She gets herself so riled up that she complains of her stomach hurting bad, and if you saw the way she cries, you'd believe it.  

Based on others' suggestions i've tried staying with her briefly to get her settled in, but that makes it worse because she's never ready to let me go. I try to make it as clean a break as possible but she runs after me. She has missed lots of days because she keeps picking up bugs from school (colds and flus) and maybe that has an effect on her learning consistency of schedule.

She is very bright and knows all the stuff that is being taught so it's possible that she could be bored. I'm a stay at home mom so I can have her stay home until next year, the only reason I put her in school is that she's an only child and needed some friends and social interaction with kids her age (which she's got plenty of now).

I'm usually driving home with tears of my own. I hear other teachers talk about how difficult my child is to other moms, or as soon as the kids in her class see her, they say, 'oh please don't cry today' or 'here she goes again'.. and it really hurts. it's hard enough that i have to watch her like she's in pain every morning.

sigh. anyway, if you've made it all the way down here, i appreciate your interest and thank you in advance for your help.

[lnabass]

Maybe you could try letting someone else take her to school, carpool, etc. It could be that if dad dropped her off, or grandma, she wouldn't have the same separation anxiety response.  You could also try not walking in with her, tell her she is a big girl now and you think she is big enough to walk in by herself (if that would be safe), then you sit in the car and watch her walk in.

[mamanoodlez]

thanks! just needed some reassurance, got more concerned after her complaints of stomach pain.I hope you're right about the interruptions being the bigger problem. Appreciate it!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The fact that she settles in right after your departure is encouraging. Yes, she is continuing the behavior longer than most children who exhibit some problem with separating from parents, but that's OK. There is no reason to withdraw her from school - she is where she needs to be. And remember, the reaction does not persist after you are gone. By all means do not stay with her at school. That will not only not be helpful; it will exacerbate the problem. When such children have interruptions in the schedule, such as from illness, weekends or vacations, they do then to have a bit of a problem re-adjusting, but it's not a significant thing.