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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
4 year old son just started school - exhibiting aggressive behaviour.
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
4 year old son just started school - exhibiting aggressive behaviour.
by zsazsaforty, Oct 09, 2004 12:00AM
Our son just started jk last month. I stayed home with him for one year then went back to work. While we work, he is with my parents (ages 75 and 80). Although he went to daycare for 2 days per week for one year, in February, we had to take him out of daycare due to health issues (Scarlet fever, anemia resulting from his illness)-doctors orders, he was not well for a few months. My parents are landed immigrants who've raised 3 children, 7 grandchildren, and my son is their 'baby'. He is the youngest grandchild and our youngest child. Our daughter is 13.
My son's communication skills have been somewhat delayed among other skills. He walked at 17 months, toilet trained a few months ago. He speaks heavily accented like my parents in a hybrid language. His pediatrician has suggested to me that he is about 6-8 months behind in normal development for his age but that he will catch up.
During the first few days at school he did not separate well at all. He cried, carried on, and screamed to come home. I was told that he'd quickly settle after we left him. While at school he fights, pushes, pinches, punches, shoves and throws toy at the other children. He had 3 time outs on his first day, and he hasn't had any time-out-free days since he started. We replicate the same pattern of time outs here at home, when required but he's not a problem around adults and older children. When he is home, he is happy, he has fun, and he enjoys playing on his own. He loves it at my parents. He and my father are 'soulmates'. There is no one in the world he would rather be with or play with than him. Part of the reason why I didn't reintegrate him into daycare for the summer was because of my father. He is old, and I weighed my son's social development with children his own age, against milking the time he'd get to spend with the most important person in the world to him.
The daycare was also a loving environment. At daycare he also got timeouts but his good days far outnumbered his bad ones.
Today however at school, after a time out, he was told to go play over on the carpet with a truck. The teacher instructed all the other children to leave him there on his own and not to go over. While she stepped away, another boy went over to him to play, they fought over the truck and my son hit him in the face with it. The boy had a welt under his eye which required ice. I was called and asked to come take my son home. When I went to pick him up he was eating his lunch at a small table on his own while the others sat at group tables. I had a lump in my throat thinking about the boy he hit, in addition seeing him there alone was equally as painful.
The teacher said that timeouts aren't working and that we should meet to discuss other strategies. Do you have any suggestions for us for that meeting?
My son's communication skills have been somewhat delayed among other skills. He walked at 17 months, toilet trained a few months ago. He speaks heavily accented like my parents in a hybrid language. His pediatrician has suggested to me that he is about 6-8 months behind in normal development for his age but that he will catch up.
During the first few days at school he did not separate well at all. He cried, carried on, and screamed to come home. I was told that he'd quickly settle after we left him. While at school he fights, pushes, pinches, punches, shoves and throws toy at the other children. He had 3 time outs on his first day, and he hasn't had any time-out-free days since he started. We replicate the same pattern of time outs here at home, when required but he's not a problem around adults and older children. When he is home, he is happy, he has fun, and he enjoys playing on his own. He loves it at my parents. He and my father are 'soulmates'. There is no one in the world he would rather be with or play with than him. Part of the reason why I didn't reintegrate him into daycare for the summer was because of my father. He is old, and I weighed my son's social development with children his own age, against milking the time he'd get to spend with the most important person in the world to him.
The daycare was also a loving environment. At daycare he also got timeouts but his good days far outnumbered his bad ones.
Today however at school, after a time out, he was told to go play over on the carpet with a truck. The teacher instructed all the other children to leave him there on his own and not to go over. While she stepped away, another boy went over to him to play, they fought over the truck and my son hit him in the face with it. The boy had a welt under his eye which required ice. I was called and asked to come take my son home. When I went to pick him up he was eating his lunch at a small table on his own while the others sat at group tables. I had a lump in my throat thinking about the boy he hit, in addition seeing him there alone was equally as painful.
The teacher said that timeouts aren't working and that we should meet to discuss other strategies. Do you have any suggestions for us for that meeting?
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Oct 09, 2004 12:00AM
, Oct 09, 2004 12:00AM
It does make sense to continue to make efforts to help your son succeed (vs pulling him out and waiting until next school year to enroll him). The practice of employing time outs is sound, and it should definitely continue. You might try a plan whereby your son commences the day engaged in solitary play, but not isolated from the other children - i.e., he is in their presence but playing by himself. Then, after a time (e.g., 30 minutes), he is scheduled to play with one other child. This may not be so overwhelming to him. Some pre-schoolers feel vulnerable in the presence of a group of peers, and they behave in a disorganized manner (often accompanied by aggression). Generally, with development, children learn better play skills.
Member Comments (2)
by flyfishergirl, Oct 11, 2004 12:00AM
When i was in kindergarten i loved school, then we moved and i started first grade at a new school i was lonely didnt know anyobody and cried all the time, wanted to go home, and played with myself.. He may be acting like this hoping that he will be thrown out of school so he can be at home with you guys. What finally helped me out was my brother found me a friend to play with and after that i was fine i didnt feel left out anymore, what i was thinking for you maybe you could join pta or something to get to know some of his peers parents and have one of his classmates over to your house to play so that he will feel comfortable with them. then when he goes to school he wont feel so left out and alone, which may be causing the anger.
