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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
4 year old son messing his pants
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
4 year old son messing his pants
by Susan, Nov 08, 1999 12:00AM
My son, I once considered to be potty trained, has started pooping in his pants. I did consider him trained because he would go to the potty by himself, without us asking, wipe himself, flush, etc all on his own. All of a sudden he started holding it, physically pushing it back in to his bottom through his pants and became constipated. He was in major pain after this and now associates pooping with pain. Also, he does not want to stop whatever he is doing now to go to the potty. At one time this was not a problem. He knows it makes us very unhappy. He has been rewarded, punished, etc. Nothing seems to work. When you ask him why he just says "Because I did." I think he is old enough to know better, I know he knows better. I have no patience for this. He will be sent back to the younger kids room at school if he doesnt' get himself together. If this happens, I'm worried about him being challenged educationally. I don't want him to learn he can only do a half done job and get by. Do I need to seek assistance from a child psychologist? Should I try a stool softener for a while? What is going on with him?
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Nov 09, 1999 12:00AM
, Nov 09, 1999 12:00AM
Dear Susan,
This kind of difficulty in toilet training usually stems from two (sometimes overlapping) causes. First, children who are potty trained encounter a period of stress (e.g., changes in the family, moving, starting pre-school) and they regress abit. Second, children become constipated at an important point around learning to be potty trained, and then (as with your son), the experience of using the potty becomes painful and they understandably want to avoid it.
It will be important to determine if your son is again constipated. If so, with your pediatrician's guidance, take care of that problem and then place him on a regimen (it won't have to go on for long, and only do so with your doctor's help) of laxative/stool softener. He will come to learn by repeated experience that using the potty won't, in general, be uncomforatable for him.
At your end, be patient, and try to understand what he's going through. It's important that we maintain equanimity in the face of these expeiences as we help our children master the challenges of development. It can be stressful at times, as you have noted. But managing that stress and not letting it interfere with your relationship with your son is a task for you to handle.
Part of handling the stress will be to keep the situation in perspective. It won't be the end of the world if your son is made to go to the younger children's group, and none of this will have any association with his abilities later on to solve problems. In other words, don't let your concern rise to unreasonable proportions - it will only increase your stress and make it more difficult for you to act in a reasonable way with your little boy.
You can probably manage this fine on your own, consulting with your pediatrician. But there's no need to shy away from a consultation with a child mental health clinician, either. Much of our professional activity is directed toward helping children and parents handle normal, everyday tasks of development.
This kind of difficulty in toilet training usually stems from two (sometimes overlapping) causes. First, children who are potty trained encounter a period of stress (e.g., changes in the family, moving, starting pre-school) and they regress abit. Second, children become constipated at an important point around learning to be potty trained, and then (as with your son), the experience of using the potty becomes painful and they understandably want to avoid it.
It will be important to determine if your son is again constipated. If so, with your pediatrician's guidance, take care of that problem and then place him on a regimen (it won't have to go on for long, and only do so with your doctor's help) of laxative/stool softener. He will come to learn by repeated experience that using the potty won't, in general, be uncomforatable for him.
At your end, be patient, and try to understand what he's going through. It's important that we maintain equanimity in the face of these expeiences as we help our children master the challenges of development. It can be stressful at times, as you have noted. But managing that stress and not letting it interfere with your relationship with your son is a task for you to handle.
Part of handling the stress will be to keep the situation in perspective. It won't be the end of the world if your son is made to go to the younger children's group, and none of this will have any association with his abilities later on to solve problems. In other words, don't let your concern rise to unreasonable proportions - it will only increase your stress and make it more difficult for you to act in a reasonable way with your little boy.
You can probably manage this fine on your own, consulting with your pediatrician. But there's no need to shy away from a consultation with a child mental health clinician, either. Much of our professional activity is directed toward helping children and parents handle normal, everyday tasks of development.
Member Comments (3)
by tom, Jun 29, 2000 12:00AM
Help him as best as you can. If it dosent work tell him if it would make him feal better he could get diapers, Dont spank him because it is painfull, it can help but most of the time it only bring pain. My advice is get him diapers, it worked fine for the son of a friend of mine. He goes to the toilet but uses diapers. How everything works out.
by Mike, Jul 10, 2000 12:00AM
Our son had the same problem.We read books on the subject,tried rewards,punishments,and calendars to show progress.The doctor recommended stool softners and fiber foods. Nothing worked.Sometimes our son would go on the toilet and sometimes not.Urinating in the toilet was no problem only bowel movements were.The doctor said he would "outgrow it" by the time he started kindergarten...he didn't! Embarrassment from other students knowing didn't work either.Finally over summer vacation He,our son,decided He was going to use the toilet,no prompting from us,no reminders,nothing! Our son just did it one day and has been fine ever since.In otherwords, I don't know what finally "did it" for him ....just be patient,it Will happen! But ofcourse i would recommmend a Doctor check for any physical reasons first.
by kaecee, Dec 28, 2008 09:01PM
A related discussion, bowel problems with 4 year old was started.
