4 year old still peeing in his pants

How do I break my 4 year old from peeing in his pants and peeing in his bed at night? He is potty trained and knows to go to the toilet when he has to use the bathroom and goes sometimes. He will go a week or so without peeing on his self then do a complete 360 and pee on his self every night and a few times during the day! I have tried several different things such as taking away favorite toys or awarding him if he does good> But nothing seems to work!! Please if any solutions HELP!!!!

[Trialanderror]

It happens more often than moms tend to admit...My son seemed fully trained by 3 and then fell back into old habits after an eventful time with surgery, a new house, a new baby. I used to be very patient with him but did lose my temper on some occasions. Psychologists kept on telling me to treat it casually and never show any anger or start any kind of punishments or shame game or not even discuss it with him. I made an effort to only calmly say "the washroom is over there, next time you can use it". He got more relaxed. I also placed a potty in two locations, in case it was just laziness. I introduced him to methods on how to use public washrooms. If he had a drink before bedtime, I reminded him that peeing and brushing teeth is part of bedtime rituals, he started to understand the relation of peeing at night and having a dry bed. And he made an effort to explain to me that he found the potty seats too small and cold, the large toilet too scary and that he preferred to do his business standing up. He also revealed that he enjoyed being a baby again. I let him be a baby whenever he felt like it but we found a cushioned toilet seat for the large toilet with two handles on it that suddenly made him comfortable. And out of the blue at age 4, he decided he was grown up and never peed or pooed his pants again. Best of all, the pride in accomplishing this - the second time around - has made him much more relaxed about life in general. Maybe you can use some of these approaches. You will need a lot of patience - but the punishments will cause rather a set-back than progress. It can be a matter of 6 months or so. Good luck...By the way, the little guys seem to do this to annoy us but usually they are caught in a trap of thoughts that makes them believe peeing the pants is the only solution. That`s where our help comes in.

[tomel]

I will say this is one area my son has done awesome with. So I not cant totally relate.

Doesnt really sound like he is truly potty trained, at least not thru the night.Just becasue a child knows how to use the toilet doesnt mean they are "potty trained" per say.  Some kids stay in pull up thru the night up until age 5. I wouldnt expect him to hold it thru the night just yet. Are there any stressors mabye that are causing this?

As far as during the day. I know you said you try rewards. Try putting up a picture of a toy he would really like. Put a sticker on for each day he doenst pee his pants. Then mabye after 7 days or so go to the store and buy him the toy.

This is a reward system we use with my son and it seems to be working. He is 4. For each "naughty" thing he does we take a sticker off.

[JamJam24]

Thanks for the help. There is a new baby in our home but he was doing this way before. And when I say he is potty trained I mean he sometimes gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and stops what he is doing during the day to go to the bathroom. So I would say he knows better than to go in his pants he just doesn't care maybe? But I think I am going to try the picture of toy method and stickers and see how that turns out!.

[Trialanderror]

The reward system usually works well, rather than taking away toys. Good luck with it. I could not use it with my son because he has always refused to get bribed...

[anacyde]

I'd bet the new baby has something to do with this.  Even during your pregnancy, your other child knew something was up.

Also consider their little bladders aren't fully mature quite yet, and while his intentions may be excellent, his bladder might not be cooperating.  Some children also have accidents when stressed.  You'd be amazed how little can stress a kid out too, I know I've been surprised at some of what I've learned as a parent.  I read constantly, lol ;)

Anyhow, my daughter was having some accidents.  It turned out that while her patience improved (she didn't run to the potty for every trickle) her bladder wasn't as patient.  She'd "almost" make it.  Likewise, we had a couple of nighttime accidents.  For a while we just had her wear Goodnites.  Once she was doing better (it was about two months) we switched her to underwear and just stopped having her drink fluids two hours before bedtime.  It did the trick :)  Hope that helps.

[here4theinfo]

My step daughter did that when I moved in. She was completly potty trained but wet the bed at night. She had been through her parents divorce, but she had lived at her dads for awhile, and she had several behaviorial problems. When I arrived I thought it was a huge problem because we would constantly have to wash blankets and clothes and sheets everyday, and she would go to the bathroom by herself in the day. I tried everything, night diapers,taking toys away, talking to her, making her wash her own blankets and clothes, turning down the heat,plastic covers. Sometimes she too would go a whole week, then start over again, usually when she misbehaved and we have to disipline her. My husband did not agree with how I was trying to stop it, he thought she had a medical problem because she had been doing it even when he lived alone with her or that she was just a hard sleeper and he didn't know what to do. I "gave" up on it for awhile, but when no one else did anything to correct it, and her whole room smelled like urine, and she came in our room to sleep one night and had peed allover us and the bed. I decided to take control of the problem again. I took her to the doctor, twice, once when she was 5 and once when she was 6, the doctor checked her urine for bladder infections, bacteria and finally said everything was fine, but it problay was a control issue that she had with herself, especially if she did it after getting in trouble and basically that she was to lazy to get out of bed. I came home and talked to my husband, telling him it was not a medical problem and finally began the process again, but this time I did things alittle different, I stopped her fluid intake at 6pm, even if we had dinner she could not have anything to drink. I made her wash her blankets still and talked to her and made sure she went to the bathroom before going to bed, we put a clock in her room and set it at the halfway point of her sleep so she had to get up and go to the bathroom, sometimes we would wake her up and make her go again before we went to bed. She fought all of this at first,throwing tantrums and sneaking drinks, complaining about the clock or washing her blankets, even lying to us that she hadn't peed, but I would find smelly clothes or sheets hiding in her bedroom. When we asked if she liked wetting the bed she would say no. We explained that we couldn't control it, she had too and all we could do was help her to not go by following the simple rules. It took along time, like one year,but finally she stopped wetting the bed and gradually we took the clock away and allowed her to half 1/4 of water before bed as long as she went to the bathroom before she went to bed. hope this is helpful information. Good Luck...

[moe2]

Check him for diabetes first but usually it's stress worry and fright the makes children wet at night.

[imcrazy2]

THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO IS BRING ATTENTION TO IT!!!!  COMPLETEY ignore it.  Change his sheets without his knowledge if possible, and minimize it as much as possible if he brings it up, like, if he pees, and tells you, just say "Ok, let's get you changed, no big deal, do you want to wear your cool new spiderman undies?"  IGNORE it, and it will resolve itself MUCH quicker than if you make a big deal out of it, as long as it's not medically based.  Minimize fluids after 6pm, and wait for him to outgrow it.

[happy_feet]

Just to give you some encouragement, I have a 5-year-old son who is exceptionally bright but still pees and poops his pants more often than not. He's resistant to rewards, timed toilet visits, threats.... Thankfully he doesn't wet his bed. I'm sure he knows when he has to go, he just doesn't want to. I'm just hanging on in wait, and will be posting a new question for medical advice now that I'm registered.

At the same time, our 3-year-old son (also exceptionally bright), is completely toilet trained. We don't ask him anymore. He refuses when we ask him, but he always goes when he feels the need. Both pee and poop. It's completely amazing.

So in case you were worried: it's not you! Your children are unique. That's all.

[Ronster123]

I am losing my cool
My son is 5 1/2 and will go a few weeks with no accidents during the day, and then boom, wet pants everyday or so for a few weeks. Night time stuff is rare, and we don't make a big deal of that - but this peeing his pants all the time during the day is getting under my skin.

I tried working with him, and I asked him, what should we do if you have another accident- "maybe no TV for a week"? - his suggestion, he loves the couple of hours a day he gets - and we are 6 days into it now and he's up to 3 weeks no TV - Clearly not working.

It is happening at school and at home - he just doesn't wanna stop doing what he is doing to get to the bathroom on time.

any thoughts would be great - and thanks for the vent!!

[marcidawn]

I feel your pain.  I am here looking for help too.  My 4 1/2 has been potty training since he was 2.  He knows how to do it, but keeps having accidents at school and at home.  He says, "I couldn't hurry..."  I'm so frustrated I have him in his room for a timeout now cause he peed on himself when he was outside playing.  I think it's laziness, that he waits too long to go.  I'm sick of asking him every hour!  As soon as I get him 1/2 naked at home he doesn't have ANY accidents.  Clearly he can't go to school like that.

And fyi, my daughter literally potty trained herself at 2, right when he was born.  I am 1 for 2 at least.  Arghhhh

[jahs2922]

I can relate to that frustration...it seems like all of the bribing, ignoring, praising, disciplining, etc. is getting us no where.  It's as if my 5 year old son couldn't care less if he pees his pants.  He is very casual when mentioning it...often times changing himself into a new outfit and letting me know what happened as he saunters off to the laundry room.  He 'parrots' back to us that he has made 'a bad decision' in wetting his pants and that he will do better next time...which is ususally a few hours later.  

We encourage him to go potty almost every hour...to the point where he moans/groans when we ask him to go...it's like pulling teeth with him!  

I know that eventually everyone learns to keep their pants dry...but will I lose my sanity in the meantime?

  

[melmel7]

I'm in the same vote my son is 3 and a half and has been potty trained for six moths. He never wet the bed or peed himself during the day since he was three. Then all of a sudden he started getting to the bathroom just in time and now it has progressed to peeing his pants every day, sometimes more than once. I'm considered as any parent would be, but don't want to contribute it to something being wrong. I'm starting to think that it's because he would rather do other things then go to the bathroom, but will defiantly bring him to the doctors to rule out any medical problems. Good luck with your son.

[Jseitz]

I'd be curious, it's been over a year since some of you have posted.  Has the problem now been resolved.  We have the same issue with our almost 4 year old.  I was thinking he was doing this on purpose, but after reading more on this topic, maybe I'm wrong.  

After dealing with this all for 6 months, I have more patience.  Now we treat it as "it is what it is".  We don't get mad, but we do put him in a timeout when he has an accident.  The length of the time out depending on the severity of the accident.  This has seemed to help...I think.  I've also told him we can't do special activities we've had planned, and they he will make it to the potty without an accident until we do the activity.  But start with the accidents the next day.  (this is what makes me believe it's on purpose).

Well and positive news is welcome!

[suzy76]

I am having the same problem with my 4 year old who was potty trained in the daytime completely and now wets herself sometimes 3 times a day! She smiled today when she told me! I am so frustrated! I don't want to shame her, yet I also don't want her to think it is okay-She fights tooth and nail when I tell her to go-and I've had her checked and no urinary issues-Why does this happen and is ignoring it truly the best solution?

[olya25]

i started to potty traine my second son around 2y old. he is 4 next april and driving me crazy. i think he was better last year, he would go on potty no problem whenever you tell him, now refuses every time. sometimes he would go by himself, but some days he would pee in his pants and just continuing walking around refusing to take them off, or pees by little bit and might not even notice. i tried everything, patient approach, discipline-nothing works. i would understand if he doesnt feel the urge or can not be bothered to run, but refusing to change? his brother by this age was using toilet, not potty. and i think it is probably better to have this transition earlier, so kids can feel themselves more mature and not "babies"

[ptashf]

I took my 3 year old daughter to the peds office to rule out any medical issues.  She had none.  She has a 14 month old sister and they have a generally happy and playful relationship (outside the normal spats over toys,etc.) but the ped chalked it up to a jealousy issue and said to be patient and ignore it, this too will pass, yet this is unacceptable behavior to me in light that she is perfectly capable and smart enough to be able to handle this.  As parents, this problem is sooooo very frustrating when you work your butt off to make sure that your kids live in a safe and healthy home enviornment(stay at home mom)  I wish that there was a better answer than just deal with it.  She was fully toilet trained at 30 months and now almost 4 years old, I have two children in diapers and just because she don't FEEL like using the potty when she has to go.  She gets tons of attention(thats not the problem) she just DOES NOT CARE if she walks around wet all day.  Just like you I have tried everything and nothing has worked so best of luck to you and we'll keep crying together on this one.

[vicpat]

I have this same problem with my 5 year old daughter. She rarely pees herself at preschool, never poops herself, but can't get through the night and when at home has accidents almost daily. We had our Ped doc check her, medically she is fine, so it must be stubborness. She is very bright, but lazy. What can we do?

[MamaDina]

OH my goodness.... I have the EXACT same problem with my four year old son.  Last week, he changed himself, out his pants in the washing machine and started a load of wash!  If he can understand how to run the machine (without previous instruction), then why can't he learn to go pee on his own?  

If he's the least bit distracted, forget it.  If other kids are around, forget it... I don't even want to talk about night time!

[BentThomas250587]

Hi could some give me advice my 4yr old son keeps wetting his pants how eva he dont do this at school eva i have tryed everythink i can think of but nothink will stop it has anyone got an idea wot might be  wrong with him

[mummaofseven]

I am just as frustrated, I have 7 children the first 4 never used pull ups and # five did and I feel it just prolonged him to not use the toilet.  I am tired of hearing ride it out! He is Lazy and that is all there is too it.  He will lay in his bed to watch a movie or the couch and pee his pants when he knows to use the toilet, he will simply pee himself and think nothing of it.  I have ignored it, tired the rewards etc.... but as it is I already do 3 to 4 loads of laundry a day. one load a day of his bed every day!  He knows not to pee his pants I know an accident and sometimes yes they are but more then not it is shear laziness!  I have 2 yr old twins who have less accidents.  We never started training him till he asked to use the toilet because we knew the twins would probably add stress to him. but it is now time, If the twins can use the toilet so can he!

[natejen]

My four year old has just recently started peeing again, mostly at school. We've tried reward systems (they had worked when this was a problem about a year ago) and have had her checked out at the docs. Now we are finding she has been lying to us constantly about it. She will pee during the day, and literally sit in it ALL day until it dries. She only pees enough for it to soak through her underwear, but not quite enough to go through her pants so the preschool doesn't notice. We have been very calm about it, trying to make sure she understands that we (and her teachers) won't be mad and/or upset if she pees, we've tried to encourage her to tell an adult so we can get her changed. We fear that it might cause infections if she continues to do this. I'm not sure what has changed to make her start doing this again. ANY ADVICE WOULD BE WONDERFUL!! Thanks!

[momsrock]

Tomel
My son was 100% potty trained at 3 years 2 months then after he turned 4 yrs old he started having  peeing accidents. No clue why. No changes in life, etc. Also, you should NEVER take away a sticker (or anything else) that  a child has earned:) Google "Lee Canter" about how to appropriately use a Reward System

[Jseitz]

Hi all,

I posted about 6 months ago and I finally took my son to the urologist as he is still having accidents in his pants.  I am still waiting results from radiology, but the Dr gave us some suggestions as she is not expecting anything medically wrong and neither am I.  She said that this problem typically happens when a child is potty trained before they are ready.  Which is probably what happened in our case as we were worried about the deadline of preschool starting.  She said that when this happens, the child will learn to hold their bladder and not go when they feel the urge, learning bad habits.  Eventually they teach themselves (unconsciously) to ignore the signs of having to go.  The muscle that controls this controls both #1 and #2.  So both kind of accidents can occur.  The solution is to get them on a schedule.  Now I hear some groans out there as I am sure we've all tried this to no avail.  But since going to the dr. and learning more about what is probably our problem, I have been more attentive and scheduled.  My son too, since hearing what the dr. had to say is not pushing back (as much) when I tell him it's time to go.  We set a timer and that seems to work.  I am not using a star chart or anything like that since it has worked for a day or two and he gets bored with it.  Anyway, the dr. says that getting them to go regularly retrains their bladder muscle.  Now it could take a long time, in some cases 6-9 months (I hope not!) but if there are no medical problems, this should work.  I just have to keep on our schedule.  It's only been a week, but so far he's been clean and dry.

I hope this helps some people as I know I was looking for an answer and didn't find anything online!  Good luck to everyone.

[Jseitz]

Continuing from my previous comments, my son too rarely peed himself at school too and he was potty trained for a while then started having accidents.  We too thought he was lazy or just "too busy" to stop and go.  But the way he is acting since we visited the dr., I truly believe he wants to fix this problem too.  He is 4 years old.

[mikeswife81805]

Wow, my 3 year old son has been potty trained for almost 2 years!  He has about 5 days of school left for his first year! He does awesome at school, he only peed his pants 1x during the whole year and pooped his pants 1x! But, at home.. it is a totally different story, and I have been going through this for almost 2 years, I dont know what to do anymore, I have tried everything I possibly could! I tried ignoring it, I tried giving him candy or telling him that I would buy him a really cool toy if he didnt pee in his pants anymore, I've done it all. And yet, he still continues to pee his pants, and says "i couldnt make it" i don't know if its just laziness, he doesnt want to put down his toys or whatever he is doing at the moment he feels that he has to go to the bathroom, but I am going nuts here! HELP!!! I am in the same situation as you!!!

[Jakob289]

My 3 year old son is peeing his pants 3x every week. he knows where the potty is and we tell him to tell us if he has to go but he does it at last minute so he always pees his pants.  We reward him  for telling us.  His name is Jakob.  Jakob wear pullups or diapers at night and underware in the day.  Any suggestions on how to get Jakon to tell us not at last minute when he needs to go.  He can feel when he needs to go and we ask him to tell us why he came last minute and we also have a potty in his room, playroom, and kitchen.  Sometimes he will go on his own and tell us to go look in the potty.  

[Jakob289]

need help any suggestions on Jacob

[tankbend]

Help! My 4 year old son has been potty trained since he was 2..He is wonderful..Rarely any accidents of peeing the bed..Till he turned 4...He has had more accidents this week than in the past year...I don't understand.  He doesn't care, it's usually when he's watching tv, playing w/ sister, etc.  We've tried time out, taking things away, etc.  That doesn't work!  We are now trying to see if he can go a week w/ no accidents and he will go to the store a pick out a (cheap) toy.  My huband doesn't believe in this, but I don't know what else to do.

[comassion]

you made her wash her own blankets? thats cruel and degrading to a child . I find that behaviour worse than her wetting the bed !

[jennate]

Hi All, I am still having this problem and I posted 2 months ago (under natejen). Nothing has really changed. She has been a little more honest when she does wet herself, but is still having frequent accidents. We've tried to remain patient, ignoring it. Yesterday, she peed her pants at home when she was literally less than 10 steps away from the bathroom--then decided to hang out in her wet clothes until we noticed (which only took a few minutes because we were RIGHT there). I can't figure out why! Its infuriating -- although we try HARD not to show it. We thought maybe she needed more attention, but that didn't change anything. I am out of options. We make her go, remind her all the time. We thought she was not getting enough sleep, that didn't work. We've ignored it. Tried to rewarded her. We've given her a reward and date, she has stopped peeing until she gets the reward, then starts again. One morning she woke up and let us know she didn't need her "extra clothes" for pre-school because she wasn't going to pee...and didn't at all for about a week. Then started again. It's like she needs some energy, inspiration or motivation....but I'm not sure how else to encourage her o help her with this! She is not a lazy child and she knows she's peeing when she does it. She has control. We've been to the docs, no issues. I know its behavioral, and just want to find the cause of it so that I can help her work through it. Any other suggestions/ideas we have not tried? There really have been no changes in her lifestyle. She starts school in September and I'd like to try to break her of this habit before then....the battle continues...ahhhhh.

[nj41]

I have a 4 year old daughter that has been potty trained since she was 3. Now, for the past couple of weeks she keeps wetting herself. I truly believe that she gets so busy doing something that she doesn't want to take the time to go to the bathroom. My husband and I are really frustrated by it. We told her that we would start taking things away from her that distract her, or put her in time out, but she could care less. When I tell her that she will not be able to go to school if she keeps wetting herself, she tells me that there is a potty there. When it does happen she tells us she is sorry and that it won't happen again, but it always does. She keeps saying that she is a big girl and not a baby. Is this just a phase that too shall pass?

[amberav]

i have this same problem every since my daughter turned 4 all she does is wet her pants constantly i caught her sitting next to the toilet and peed herself right next to it,,, she will go hide and pee while she is hiding  she has been potty trained since she turned 2 so im trying to figure out what could be wrong with her, she also wets the bed, she will cry in the night so everytime i hear her cry at night i will go run and take herpotty, so i know she feels it in her bladder when she has to go,COULD THIS BE LAZINESS????

[hday1987]

That is a terrible thing to do.Maybe she just had problems with the divorce and was having nightmares that caused her to wet the bed.Sounds like you have the "EVIL" stepmom syndrome.Bet you wouldn't do your own kid that way.Make them wash their sheets and blankets, not let them drink anything after 6pm when everyone else is b/c u r too lazy to cook before 6pm, and setting an alarm that is waking her up in the middle of the night(she has school for goodness sakes).She probably did have problems with the divorce and stress of it and now you are just causing her more stress. No wonder she is hiding her bed linens.She don't want to have to deal with you.This kind of thing is ridiculous and happens a lot in new marriages.The kids suffer at the hands of people like you.My son wets his undies during the day(just a patch) and we find that ignoring it helped better than timeout.Don't belittle a child.You are shaping their self confidence for the future.Don't make them feel like they are just bad b/c they wet the bed.I'm sure she is not doing it on purpose.Maybe she is scared of the dark.Have you tried a night light.If she did this before you came along, then it was initially probably the events leading up to the divorce and eventually the divorce and now you.What stress for a 6 year old child!

[wifey0606]

Okay so here is the deal... i have a step daughter who is 5 and a half years old my husband and i got custody a year ago... when she first came to us no issues potty trained intelegetn nice no manners at all but just the ususal with kids, and then it happened she pees herself during the day never at night she has even used my 3 year old sons blankey to wipe it up so we dont see it!!! she wont stop! we have tried time out praising her giving special treats when she doesnt do it behavioral charts made her do the laundry scrub the floor she even has a designated chair because she is ruining the leather furniture by peeing on it!!! She says she does it when shes mad or jelous or lazy but when u ask her she doesnt even know what that stuff means shes copying what my husband and i say! im at my whits end becuase now since she pees herself my son is reverting back and wetting the bed again... ohh yea did i mentiong this has been going on for a year straight weve tried theropy doctors visits everything u can think of nothing works please help im loosing my mind!!! any suggestions i would appreciate and no i cant just ignore it we have tried that too and then she does it more often because she feels she doesnt get in trouble for it so please something anything to help!!!

[mamakiki]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years- his son was only 6 mo old when we got together.  We moved in together in 2007 & he has had 50/50 custody of his son until last March when we received full custody.  We potty trained him at 3 years old, it has been 18 months and now he is acting out.  He lives with us full time.  Recently we had issues with him that when he wouldn't get his way or he'd get in trouble, the next morning he'd pee the bed.  It was like clockwork & we knew exactly when it would happen.  He never pees anytime but the mornings- he has been checked and has no issues- he picks and chooses when he does it, but lately he has been acting out more and more.  In Aug he peed the bed 6x, Sept only 1x, Oct 8x & so far this month 3x (it's only the 4th).  We took him to the pediatrician, a therapist and tried the take all his things away, tried to reward him  & the total ignore it ... nothing works.  He has been telling us "I Just don't want to get up, I want to lay here".  Monday he didn't pee so he got to play with his toys but then he decided that now he doesn't want to nap.  So he didn't take a nap and after 3 hours he was playing around with things in his room- I asked him why he didn't take a nap & he told me "I don't want to take a nap & I'm not tired."  This morning his father asked him if he peed & he said no.  His father then checked him & he indeed peed all over himself.  I asked him "why did you pee this morning?"  He said "because I felt like it!"  He is the smartest 4 year old that I know & I have ever met.  He will tell me that he does it because he doesn't want to get up because he wants to just lay there-- but he will make up other excuses when his father asks him why he does it.  He will turn on the tears for his dad but doesn't do that for me.  I'm stuck at a loss here.  I am being driven insane by a child that I have been raising since he was 6 months old-- I have him more than his own mother does (she only gets him every other weekend).  I have limited his drinks to 1/2 kid tumbler and he is still doing it.  On Sun & Tues morning he peed & I asked him how many times-- he peed 3 times on himself.  His room shares the wall with the bathroom so he is just steps from the bathroom.  He has a nightlight on each wall.  He isn't peeing in the night, he does it when he is awake in the morning.  He will tell you when he did it & because he didn't want to get it up and go because he wants to lay down.  He goes to bed at 8pm every night.  This is becoming a deal breaker because I love my boyfriend, but I have 2 daughters that are losing my time with them because I am always dealing with the chaos of this small child.  I am becoming very frustrated with him and that leads to my daughters seeing me always upset.  I don't want to lose my relationship with his father or him-- he is my son & I don't need to share DNA with him... but as a mother I have to look out for my daughters and what is best for them.  If he is in punishment for his actions, then my daughters lose time with me because I can't go places as I'm stuck home with him because he is being punished.  I need some resolution and some help because I had a breakdown the other day & I watched this child play the mind games every single day.  I'm a stay at home and my sanity can't handle this.  I know you will think that I am mean & hateful but I am not-- I watch this kid manipulate the people in his life to get what he wants & it scare me.  If he can be this way now & this controlling what will happen in the next few years.  He is taking control and he will tell you that he gets what he wants -- and at 4 he shouldn't be that way.  I am out of options and ideas on what to do to fix this.  We have tried the no sheets on the bed, no tv, no toys, no play time, no treats/snacks.  NOTHING WORKS!  Or if it does he gets to play a day then as soon as he gets his stuff back he goes back to the morning peeing.  He has never had a day accident he does it in the morning.  Before we knew why he did it- we had something for dinner & he didn't want to eat it and threw a fit so he'd get sent to his room for bad behavior or he would get in trouble for something-- then the next morning he'd be wet.  But now he is doing it more & more.  He is never embarrassed about it- we even make him wear the plastic underwear every night to bed & that doesn't bother him.  He doesn't hide his clothes or bedding, instead he lays there and will either lie & tell you didn't pee or he will openly tell you.  He will sit in those pee covered pjs all day if you let him.  He will sit down & eat with them on. He doesn't care at all- and that really scares me.  
Does anyone out there have any help for me??  

[Desert_Bee]

Hello, I am so thankful that I found this forum so that I know I'm not alone.

Here is my story. My son is almost 4.5 years old. We begain potty training at 22 months. We started so "early" because we believed he was capable and because kids historically have started toilet training around the time they could walk. We started with him naked from the waist down and gradually moved to underwear. With #2 he had no problems and was pooping in the potty essentially 100% of the time by 24 months. He learned very fast that poop doesn't go on the floor, it goes in the potty, and once we switched to underpants he never seemed to want to poop in his underpants.

Pee has been another story altogether. Right from the start, he seemed to have trouble understanding that he was urinating, even if he was standing at a table and playing, he could be peeing on the table leg and floor and seemingly be unaware of that fact. It took a while (a few weeks?) to move past this, but by 24 months he had no trouble going potty (pee) all on his own, when he needed to, when he was naked from waist down. Also, when he was at Grandma's house (a few afternoons per week), he seemed to have no trouble getting himself to the potty and keeping his underpants dry. She may have done some reminders, but all in all I was led to believe that he took responsibility for everything and had little to no trouble keeping dry.

At home was another story altogether. I think it's accurate to say that he always had trouble keeping his underwear dry. For a good long time when he was younger, it seemed that he would leak and leak, even when he didn't have to go particuarly bad. BUT, and here's the kicker, when naked he wouldn't leak at all. He would simply go potty when he needed to go. This seemed to indicate that he did not have a "physical" problem, especially considering his success at Grandma's house.

I tried all sorts of things. Most obvious and simple (although annoying for me) was keeping him naked at home. I also took a pair of his underpants and cut a hole in the "critical" part of the underpants so that he would learn that even though he was wearing underpants, leaking would result in leaking onto himself or the floor (just like when naked). We used consequences of all types, we used "ignoring," we did it all. I remember telling my husband that short of kicking him out of the house to live in a snowbank, I couldn't think of any other consequence to use (WOULD NEVER DO THAT, OF COURSE). The bottom line seemed to be that he wanted to leak into his underpants, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.

The wet underpants problem came and went between ages 2 1/2 and the present.

During this whole time, another problem we faced was his refusal to "tell the teacher" that he had to go potty when at places like YMCA kids' care, ECFE, and so on. Even when he was free to use, and fully capable of using, the potty all by himself, he simply refused to the point of completely wetting himself. Once in a while I would think that this problem was behind us, only be be faced with it once again.

This brings me to the present. Son is 4.5 years old. At home, over the last several months the "potty dance problem" has intensified. He will be absolutely beside himself because he has to go so badly (pee), with the end result often being wet underwear and a race to the bathroom. Dad and I normally say nothing about the potty dance, since we figure we should be removed from that responsibility entirely.

At preschool, his refusal to use the potty there has gotten worse as the school year has progressed. I really don't buy the explanation that he's "afraid" of the potties there, given his history of outright stubbornness and given the fact that he's used the potties there (on occasion) with no trouble.

The problems at preschool and ECFE (think: Mommy & Me) have brought this issue to a head for us, because while I was pretty content to ignore the potty games and wet underwear at home, I felt it was not sustainable to pick him up from preschool when he was wet all the way down to his shoes.

So, Dad and I instituted a program of consequences that more or less took away every privilege he has, aside from what he is entitled to as a human being. (No, there is no child abuse here, we have checked that out and gotten everything cleared.) But the overall effect seemed to me remorse and a determination to stay dry, which disappeared shortly after getting his privileges back.

The next step seemed to be a more graduated approach to re-instating privileges, and I had planned to put this in place after Christmas. However, within the last day or two, hubby and I have had a change of plans. We have decided to completely remove our attention from the at-home potty dance issues. We have set up a self-care station in the laundry room where he can change out of his wet underwear, put them in a basket, and put on clean underwear (and pants, if necessary). We plan to give as little attention to this process as possible, and expect a burst of wet underwear as well.

For preschool and ECFE, we plan to put him in a pull-up. I never thought I would say those words! And he will probably throw major fits over this. However, we will tell him that we finally realized that some kids are ready to use the potty at preschool, and some kids are still learning. Pull-ups are for kids who are still learning, end of story. We will re-evaluate after a month or two and give it a few tries with regular underwear. My thought is that he will hate wearing the pull up so much that he will be motivated to "get over" whatever issues he has.

I'm not sure whether I can send him to kindergarten next year in a pull-up, and frankly at this point I don't care too much. I am a SAHM, and it is hard to overstate how much stress and grief this whole process has caused me. The bottom line is a child is going to do what he wants to do. As parents we can use the best consequences, attention, love, and discipline that we can think of, but the child still has autonomy over himself. My life has to go on, our family's life has to go on, and I have another child to care for.

I have accepted the idea that my son may still be playing these games and being this stubborn even when he's 6 years old, 10 years old, who knows! But what can I do about it? No one can change his behavior except for him. It's not that we're afraid to level consequences. We have taken consequences as far as we can, with no apparent success. It has gotten to the point where the consequence, no matter how miserable it may be for him, seems to his pay-off. That is why we have decided to move past consequences and use a new approach altogether.

[Jseitz]

I feel every ounce of your pain.  I hope this works for you and if not, you have the right frame of mind.  I stopped worrying about it long ago and he still drips in his pants.  Most nights as we are changing into his PJs, I notice his underpants are wet.  There is not much I can do about it. As long as it's not causing him and medical problems (such as a rash) then I don't worry about it.  Actually I worry about it, but don't show that to my son.  I figure by the time he moves out he'll stay dry.  Good luck to you!  

[adr333]

Okay I know some of you may think spanking is wrong, but an ocassional swat on the bottom is not going to kill anybody. I have read most of your post and you try to discipline them by taking toys and by trying to bribe them, some lady said ignore the problem that is so WRONG! You need to confront the problem head on, if your kid fears getting a small spanking then they will be less likely to do it. I am not saying to beat your kid I am simply saying that a small swat on the butt will help.

[Jseitz]

Sorry to say, but adr333, you are so wrong.  I have nothing else to say but this would never work regardless of whether spanking is wrong or not.

[nadineD]

Just wanted to say thanks for your post back in May after talking to the Dr.  I can't believe I found this many people with the same problem! My daughter potty trained (mostly b/c she wanted to) at an early 2.......and the recent problem of dribbling in her underwear- sometime a little, sometimes enough to have to change pants, has been inconsistent but has not gone away.  It got worse over the break.  I work 4 days a week and my mom watches while I work- she also goes to preschool twice a week.  She has been doing this with both my mom and I.  I'm sure she has done it a little at school- but no one notices and it probably dries by the time we pick her up.  Right now I have her playing and watching TV with NO bottoms to see if this will help her understand the feeling of having to pee.  Yep, like you all I tried it all- from ignoring, to being understanding, to getting mad.  I really like the schedule idea and will have me and my mom give it a try.  I have a cousin with Diabetes who was diagnosed at age 5, so I'm going to bring her to the Dr. sometime soon to talk to them and make sure nothing is going on medically.  Her drink preference is usually water- and she is a "drinker" for sure.  Again, thanks everyone.....also, any updates?????

[kat0810]

HI i have a 3 3/4 yr old son who has been potty trained for about a year and a half now but for the past 6 months he has started wetting and soiling himself, i have tried rewards punishments and even ignoring it which has made him worse, i have been trying this method for the past 2 weeks and so far today he has already wet himself 4 times and soiled himself and it's only 1pm, i'm going out of my mind i'm a single mum and have a 7 year old with ADHD as well so have my hands full most the time but my 3 year old does get most my attention during the day whilst my other son is at school, he also goes 3 1/2 hours at pre-school with no accidents. If anyone has any suggestions that i haven't already tried it would be most helpful.

[andy930]

we have been struggling with frequent accidents with my 4 1/2 yr old for 2 years and there is no doubt that there is a huge behavioral component to it. It has caused me a lot of anxiety and stress. We have tried everytihng as well. Rewards only work for the short term. Anger and punishment is the worst thing that you could do and usually makes matters worse. I have tried giving him unconditional empathy and understanding and that has helped in the sense that he no longer resists our reminders. We tried doing timed voiding every 2-3 hours but the more we give him reminders the more dependent on the reminders he becomes. We tried getting him a watch that vibrates at the times you set as a reminder (got it at bedwettingstore.com)-it worked great for a few weeks and then he started ignoring it too. The only thing that works is to make it a non issue and ignore it- we are planning to try this strategy again!

[I5PEREZ]

HI IM A 23 YEAR OLD MOTHER I HAVE 3 LITTLE PRINCESSES A 4 A 3 AND A 1 YR OLD MY FIRST ONE STARTED GOING TO THE BATHROOM BY HER SELF 2 MONTHS BEFORE SHE TURNED ONE SHE WENT BY HER SELF AND HAD A FEW LITTLE ACCIDENTS HERE AND THERE BUT NO BIGGIE SHE GOT THE HANG OF IT MY MIDDLE CHILD WAS 2 YRS OLD WHEN WE STARTED POTTY TRAINING HER SHE WOULD CRY CUZ SHE DIDNT WANT TO SO I WOULD KEEP HER HER SAME UNDERWEAR EVEN IF SHE PEED ON IT SO THAT SHE WOULD FEEL THE DIFFERENCE WELL IT TOOK ABOUT 2 WEEKS AND SEEMED TO GET THE HANG OF IT NOW SHES 3 YRS 7 MONTHS AND SHE HAS STARTED TO WET HER BED AND PEEING ON HERSELF AT PREESCHOOL AND AT HOME SOMETIMES I GET VERY FRUSTRATED BUT BUT HUSBAND TELLS ME THAT I NEED TO BE PATIENT BUT I REALY CANT WHEN I HAVE TO WASH HER BLANKETS EVERYDAY AND HAVE TO PUT LYSOL ON THE MATRESS EVERYDAY!!!!! SO WE TRIED PUTTING A DIAPER ON HER THINKINK SHE WOULD GET EMBARRASED AND START GOING AGAIN BUT INSTEAD SHE SMILES AND BRAGS ABOUT HER WEARING A DIAPER WHICH GETS ME SO MAD BECAUSE EVEN MY ONE YR OLD IS STARTING TO TRY TO GO TO THE RESTROOM, II NNEEEDDD HHEEELLLPPP ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[welshgirl54]

help!!!!! i totally feel for everyone on here because my 3 3/4 yr old girl has been potty trained since 2yrs old. she has been absolutely
brilliant with going to the toilet for number 1 and 2. the last 2 weeks has been a nightmare though she started having frequent accidents in school and at home. she knows exactly what she is doing because she will tell me she is wet and when i ask her where does she go for a wee her answer always is on the toilet!!! its like talking to a brick wall, i have tried absolutely everything you can think off. at the moment i feel like giving up!!!! its so exhausting!!!!!! can any one help me???

[Athena_M]

Maybe something else deeper is going on.  Try hugging her and talk with her and have her open up.  Have there been any major changes in her life?  Something is causing her to regress.  I would talk to her pediatrician too.  There could be a physical or emotional reason behind it all.  Try not to get angry with her.  I know it is hard my boy wasn't potty trained until 4 and half years.  

[Dadathome]

I'm starting to think you might be right there. I am not anti-spanking and my children know it. I've never metered out an over the knee type "spanking" but a butt swat or two they have both had from time to time. It's very, very rare, but it gets the point across and fast. I do not believe it will cause any long term harm and even though I was spanked as a child, I still had a strong and loving relationship with my parents. I just never got confused about who was in charge.

My 4 year old has been peeing in his pants out of pure laziness. He'll tell you as much. "I didn't want to stop watching TV / playing / etc. We're going on a plane trip next month and this foolishness has got to stop. Now. He knows better.

[CoMOMsense]

I hear alot of psyco-babble. Has anyone thought of checking to see if this is a physical problem, like urinary infection? I am a mother of 4 and only one of my children had an accident once(she was 2 1/2) because she did not want to disrupt the playing. I had to reasure her that her friends and the playing will all be there when she was done going to the bathroom. All my children were potty trained before 2 years old!
What is so wrong to teach our children shame and embarrasement? Ignoring and punishment will not resolve the issue. Talk to your children in a way they can understand and answer you.

Stop reading "those" books, use your common sense. It is in our nature to know how to raise our children!

Good Luck Mothers!

[918mommyof4]

wow! I am blown away by how many people are having this same issue. What in the world is going on here?!! I potty-trained my stepdaughter when she was 2, going on 3. No one had worked with her before I took the time to work with her, she was definately ready too cuz it only took about a week for her to be potty-trained once I started working on it with her. She still had occasional accidents at night, but did awesome with pooping and peeing in the toilet. Then, all of a sudden back in september she started peeing on herself during the day. She just turned 4 in Dec. When we would ask her why she did it, she would say because she did wanna stop playing or watching the movie, or whatever it was she was doing at that time. We started out giving her talks about how she's a big girl and how proud we are of her when she uses the potty. We'd give her big hugs and only say encouraging things. Unfortunately for us, these talks only seem to cause her to do it more cuz it was almost like positive reinforcement for her. Just today, she peed on herself while in the bathroom, not trying to make it though, just sitting on the rug. I asked her why she peed in her panties instead of the toilet and her response was, "because I wanted to." We are so at a lose of what to do. Her daycare/school says she's not gonna be able to keep coming if she doesn't stop cuz she does it alot there as well. she can go several days using the toilet, then just start peeing on herself. It's like some kind of game to her it seems. I can't figure out why else she would smile and jump around when she tells us she peed on herself. I hope we can all figure something out soon cuz it's enough to drive parents crazy!!

[sleepbaby]

SOLUTION: It is a brain/nerves issue.  Period.

At least for 98% of them. The other 2% may not have been ready to be potty trained, etc.

WRONG/BAD STRATEGIES:
- Spanking
- Disciplining of any kind
- Belittling

CAUSE: Some children (and adults) have less control over their nervous system than others.  Normally, when someone has to pee, a signal is sent to the brain that alerts it.  That signal gets stronger.  Some people have weaker signals.  Also, (very important) there are things that can make signals weaker and stronger (permanently and temporarily).  For example, refined white flour/sugar i.e. bread/cola

Inherited: There is a 50% chance that at least one of the child's parents has a history of nerve issues i.e. anxiety, diabetes, etc.

Nurtured: During pregnancy, the mother's diet (i.e. lack of adequate vitamins and nutrients, alcohol, drugs) can cause nerve damage to the baby.

SOLUTION:
Look in any health book and notice the common no no's: Artificial colouring/flavoring (found in candies, junk food, kool aid, cereal, etc), refined white sugar, flour (white bread, flour, too many things to mention)...

....sorry, falling asleep.  just couldn't believe how many ppl commented on this topic and how so many had VERY Bad suggestions. ...

[sjohnston71]

Totally disagree with that last post....when a child does something they know they aren't suppose to as a direct result of not getting their way that is certainly not a medical problem.  While every situation is different, and some kids absolutely have medical problems out of their control, some children always try to push boundaries. Consistency is the key to changing any behavior.

[what3ver]

It should be noted that no one is really offering any solutions here, which probably means there are no REAL solutions. We are having the exact same problem, our 5 year old was potty trained and now he tells us he doesn't want to stop ___________ (fill in the blank) to take the time out and go pee. We know what the problem is, it started when we had a new baby about 6 months ago. I did the same thing every body else here did, I started googling for solutions and I am finding NOTHING, just that we are not alone in this problem. I would really like it if someone with proven solution to this problem would chime in with something positive to say, if not this is just going to go on with an endless list of frustrated parents saying "OMG I'm so glad I'm not alone in this!" Which makes us all feel good - misery loves company - but does nothing in terms of offering a real solution.

[motorway]

i have two sons one is 13 and the other 9. the oldest had a similar problem in his earlier years. he had been dry day and night since 22 months and in underwear.he started to school at 4.5 years with no drama. he did school camp 3 years running without any accidents. then i got a new girlfriend she moved in just after his 8th birthday she did not stay long but she had a lasting effect on the oldest. he did not like her and she did not like him and it showed. shortly after she left he would have the occasional wet bed possibly once a month or so. a friend of mine was taking the two boys for swimming lessons straight from school so he had that to look forward to three nights a week.

then this friend of mine and his son came for a camping weekend with me and my two boys. we went to the beach and spent all day playing on the sand and swimming. bot boys really enjoyed my friends sons company and they went of playing on the sand together. then one time when they got back from the rockpools my oldest had wet himself. he said he forgot how far away the bathrooms were, which he was right but it was not like him at all.

after the weekend both boys went back to school and the second day back he came walking home soaked to the knees. he said he forgot to go before leaving school. more bed wetting followed and it got more often almost every night at one point.

another camping trip was planned but this time we were cycling so luggage was kept to as little as possible so one pair of shorts on pair of speedos and one pair of underwear, you can see where i am coming from. again he wet once at the beach but sleeping at night on the first night he had only been in bed an hour and he got up wet. i put his speedos on and he slept the rest of the night without problem then the same the second night. i was managing to wash and dry his underwear but with cold water it was starting to smell.  the third evening we came back from the beach had tea around the fire and went to bed. this time i forgot to get him to change out of his speedo and he slept in them... no wet bed. the following day no accidents and again sleeping in his speedos he was dry all night.

when we returned home he started wetting the bed at night and daytime accidents grew. this went on for a few weeks until every night he came home wet and he would wet himself whilst out at play. he just said he could not find a bathroom in time.

then one weekend i had to work and my friend took both boys away for two nights to the beach again. my oldest asked if he could wear his speedos to go in and use them as underwear all weekend as he had remembered not wetting the bed whilst sleeping in them last time. the little problem of wetting on the beach was not too much of a worry as he would be going in the sea a lot. so i agreed and both boys had their speedos to go in. i did pack a spare pair each.   when they returned there had been no wet beds and only one daytime accident again at the beach.

so we had a family chat and it was decided he should wear his speedos as underwear for a month to see if when he wore them it registered in his mind not to pee. and after four weeks at school not a problem of course the younger boy had to do the same as his bigger brother...

we did try underwear again for a week but that was a disaster... so he went back to his speedos and he likes it better. there was one slight accident last week though we were on a long journey in the car and he needed to pee badly and the next stop was home and it was about another hour. he had just made a damp patch in his speedos when we got home.

so i put this down to something in his mind and when he wore the speedos he thought if he peed then he would not go swimming the next day...  so i thought if it works then go with it. it has made his swimming a whole lot better and bedwetting has stopped. as a result the youngest has also been awarded best swimmer in his year

[motherofwetpantiesgirl]

OH MY WORD!  Seriously?  I have a 4 year old (almost 5) that has issues with peeing her pants.  When she is at home, she has no issues running to the potty, but when she is at a playdate, or where the "fun" is, she has accidents.  Perhaps she does have a "weaker" signal than her 7 year old sister who never has had an issue, but ignoring it isn't going to make that signal any stronger.  I am concerned that her classmates will laugh at her when she enters kindergarten this fall.  She is incredibly bright, and energetic.  We only offer only whole wheat pasta, no high fructose corn syrup, no pop, no hydrogenated oils, the list goes on.  She still has issues.  I'd rather her suffer a little embarrassment here, then by her whole class in school.   We have tried the "ignoring it route, the bribing route, the reward route, and like all the other mothers, she has no health issues.  Like I said, we tried ignoring it...that didn't work.    

[carson311]

My 4 year old never peed in his bed and now every night hi is peeing in his bed! I don;t know what to do! I talked to him, i put pull ups back on him and said "big kids pee in the potty at night, so as soon as u stop peeing in ur pants you can were ur big kid underwear! I just don't know what to do! oh and he will still try to poop in his pants he will go try to hide and i will say what r u doing lets go potty and than he will go on the potty!! why wouldnt he just say he has to go potty! I dont get it!

[jen1201]

We stopped giving our son a drink close to bedtime and having him go to the bathroom before bed... a friend of mine, wakes her son up in the middle of the night as a reminder and takes him to pee...

good luck

[calmmumy]

I see on most of the coments a 4 years old child started bed wetting after succesfully stoping at 3 years of age,, This must have something to do with the age and changes that happen at this age.
My son is 4 and a half now, he was fully trained at the age of 3, night and day he would go toilet by himself and never ever he did wet the bed, At 3 and a half (september) he started wetting at night. I guess is because he started nursery and was very dificult settling in. He still does wet the bed and I am using nappies at night again as simple as that, coz I did wet the bed at night untill I was 12 and I remember methods my mum used and Im still traumatised by the way she handled the situation, beating me up every morning shouting screaming and I guess I got worse and I got depressed as well so I know exzaktly how a child feels. My son was very upset and cried when he wet the bed, so to make him feel ok I put the nappy back on and I guess I just have to deal with it and take it easy, and one more thing is with my son that he is a very heavy sleeper now that he does not sleep during day time anymore and I guess that could be the couse as well, last night I put him to bed at 7 he went to toilet few minutes before going to bed I woke him up at 22:00 to go  toilet  then again at 00:00 and did not put the nappy on and he wet the bed at 01:00 and again another 3 times till morning so I should just take him to my GP just to rule out any infekction, and get on with it really. I suggest people should not make children wash their sheets and punish them, remember they are only kids and I'm sure they don't like it when they wet the bed.

[hmall03]

dear all,

please dont be discouraged...I know we all want answers, NOW! but, sometimes you just need to be patient, eventhough it does seem forever..my daughter was potty trained and then shortly after that was diagnosed (because of night and day wetting) with overactive bladder, the urologist in my opinion did not help.  They put her on meds for a year, with no improvement, and then the last straw was when they tried to put her on a new drug, that had'nt even been tested on children..wtf!  So, I decided to take matters into my own hands, and I found that she had a milk allergy, allergies also bring on symptoms such as ear infections, psoriasis, and..wait for it...overactive bladders..there was a clear correlation between allergies and this sympton..when I confronted my GP he disregarded me, I don't know what I am talking about..okay, so I took my daughter off all dairy..rice milk, soy milk, yogurt and organic cheese were the dairy products..make sure the soy is organic though...and guess what?  We almost immediately started to see improvements..we also considered gluten to be a possible allergen...check it out...even see a naturopath, I firmly believe they have much more nutritional insight than the mainstream medical system...good luck to all:)

[lucky1986]

wow my sons daughter will be anywhere but the toilet, the only time she will pee in the toilet is when i see her holding her crotch she turned 4 in april my son is is 2 1/2 and hardly ever has accidents in the past 4 months or so he has probably had 5 accidents which isnt bad for a 2 1/2 year old, my boyfriends 10 year old poops and pees himself probably at least 5 -10 times a month and he throws his underwear away and complains he doesnt have any i dont understand this, but i think i will take away milk with the 4 year old and see if that helps her

[meme1184]

my 4 year old wets himself all the time he doesnt want to go to the bathroom and i think he is way to busy and even if i just change him and say okay then he thinks its okay to pee in his pants that im just going to change him so kids think differently.

[morra906]

I feel you. My 4 1/2 son has never completely been potty trained at night and he will go week on, week off staying dry during the day.  I have tried everything.  I am at my wits end.  I wish I could afford to ignore it completely and let him wet himself as much as he wants til he figures it out completely. But, seriously?! How can you afford to constantly clean and replace things around the home that are covered in urine?  As it is I am doing laundry constantly.  As much as I'd like to follow him around the house calmly and quietly with a fresh outfit, upholstery cleaner, and a rag, how does that really benefit anyone?

[jessishere]

Hi im a mother of 6 i have a set of twins which are going on 5 i had potty trained them by the age of 2 but just out of the blue my daughter just started wetting herself then pooping in her pants.. idk what todo she now doesnt pee on herself while awake.. she did a couple months ago tho poop herself in front of everyone and had no shame but she is in daycare and when they take naps she wakes up wet and at nite she wets the ped about 5 times at least... i really cant take it no more i was very patient thinking it was just a phase or something but it has been going on for 2yrs now im constantly doing wash from all the soiled clothing and linens.. i tried pullups but it just makes her lazier she changes herself and takes her wet clothes to the laundry room and thinks its funny... she brages about how she wet herself she has no shame in it... but it is driving me crazy i just kno i need help and help fast because im getting very upset

[andy930]

ok, I know hoe everyone is feeling. My son is now five and up until recently i was going crazy, but he has recently made significant improvements. Here are some suggestions.
1. Back off!!! If this is a power struggle the only way to stop it is to back off. Your child may be telling you that they want to have the control when it comes to this or maybe for some reason they like the reaction they are getting from you or the control they have on you. You have to not only act like you don't care but really try as hard as you can to actually not care ( i know that sounds impossible but  think about all the other problems far worse then this). So, no  punishments, no reminders(yes i know how hard that is) and no rewards (it shows that you care). When they have an accident say as little as possible with as little reactions as possible (don't give them the reaction they are waiting for). Help them if they need help but say as little as possible
2. Give them unconditional love and empathy for everything other then toileting. You want them to feel secure.
3. Rule out physical problems. Of course there is the obvious UTI or bowel issues but also consider food intolerance. I have read studies that link urinary frequency and nightime incontinence to dairy consumption. My son improved significantly when i took him off dairy completely. I found it out by accident- i originally took him off dairy because he was having a lot of diarrhea and then i found that his urinary continence (nighttime too) improved significantly. Be aware of hidden dairy ingredients in hot dogs, deli meats, chicken nuggets.........also, if your child has any bowel issues it will contribute to urinary issues.

good luck

[Missa13]

I joined this website so read what everyone has been saying regarding their children and "accidents". I am ever so relieved that I am not the only one out there with this problem nor the only one frustrated!
My son is 3 and a half. He has never gone more than a week without peeing himself. I begin to question if I potty trained him too early (age 2). He has atleast one accident in his pants a day and it doesnt seem to be getting better. I have tried everything. I even tried ignoring him when he does it and giving him no attention other than changing his pants and I really think that made it worse. One day he peed in his pants 3 times within an hour!
I feel helpless. My son is in daycare and he does it there. I am working one on one with a social worker because she is claiming that he is gifted so he is very bright!
His dad and I are not together and everyother Saturday-Sunday he goes to his dads where he claims my son does not have accidents only very rarely when he is playing. So why is my son comming home from dads and peeing himself at home?
I have read everyone's suggestions and I feel like I have been doing most of them. If I ignore the pee, it gets worse. If I reward toilet use, he still pees his pants. Sometimes he thinks its funny as well so then I'll take toys and tv away. I have even tried the timbit thing from Tim Hortons and often that works to get him through a day at daycare but once he gets home, he pees himself.
I am lost for options and very very frustrated!
ADVICE????

[Athena_M]

My pediatrician says it's normal for boys not to be potty trained until 4 years and sometimes they are still not fully trained.
I know how you feel.  My son was not fully trained until 4 and a half years.
I recommend having him go pee at certain times during the day. For example when he wakes up, when he comes home from school, after dinner, right before bed.   I use the term "get the pee out of your body".  

[andy930]

Don't ingore him when he pees in his pants. If you are ignoring him then he knows that you care and that he has gotten to you (then he wins). Just don't react- help him get changed and stay as neutral as possible and then go about as usual without ignoring him. My son is very bright too and I always felt that he was doing it to "get to me". We have a wonderful relationship otherwise so i really did not understand it. He has just turned five and I really understand his personality now. He like to have control over things and has very strong leadership skills. I think toilet training went wrong because I cared too much and he probably just wanted to have more control over his own toileting. As I see now he is like that with most things (challenging to raise a kid like this but hopefully these will be good traits when he is older).
Your son is still young. Try not to worry about it. I have found that the more i care the worse it gets.
From my experience, we have ups and downs. He has a few good weeks and then he slides for a bit. Not sure if he is testing me or if it really is hard for him to stay dry from years of ignoring his body's signals. Whatever it is, his down periods are getting shorter and less frequent as long as i keep my cool.  

[sjohnston71]

We too have a 4 year old who keeps peeing his pants. He's my boyfriends son, and I'm worried something is wrong with him. We constantly ask him if he has to go, send him into the potty every hour or so to "try". Sometimes he wakes from a sound sleep to get up and go, but other times he's just sitting there and pees his pants. He always says "I had to go real bad" which is why I'm concerned. Supposedly his mother took him to the doctors once and they checked for UTI, but didn't find one. Both parents are a bit younger than me, and I have four older children, so I feel like I have a bit more experience, but when I speak up they take it as criticism and disregard what I say. Children can have overactive bladders which means he really may not be in control sometimes, but shouldn't they find out instead of letting the child live in pull-ups? We have tried everything else, rewards, taking away toys etc. We don't yell at him for it, just like I said, I'm worried there's more to it than plain laziness.

[kimiwink]

My 4 year old son is also struggling with this, but both my husband and I have noticed that whenever he goes to the bathroom, he wants us to go with him. He says that he doesn't want to be alone or that he's scared. Whenever he is at preschool he remains completely dry (he is not alone, even in the bathroom) but at home he has accidents all the time. I am going to try taking him into the bathroom every hour and making the bathroom a good place. I want this whole experience to be positive for everyone, especially him. He is only 4... and there's a lot of pressure to get it right.

[Mickie78]

Clearly, everyone is at their wits end. I am right there with ya. My almost 5 year old boy is doing the same thing. He'll go a week or two with no "accidents", and then 2 to 3 accidents or more a day, consistently. Believe me, I feel everyone's frustration. It's been happening for so long... and like many others on here, I have tried everything... except ignoring it. I had him help with washing his sheets, to show him personal responsibility. I have tried using "Love and Logic", by making him responsible for his own choices. I have done sticker charts which give an immediate reward for going potty, and a weekly reward for staying dry. I have asked him to go try to potty every half an hour of the day when I remember. He just doesn't seem to see what the big deal is. And you know, after reading all of these comments, parents putting down each other for their different types of strategies ( I say kudos to anyone who cares enough to try all these different things), I have to say, that kids are just kids. Maybe the problem is that our expectations are too high. Maybe they really don't see it as being important enough to interrupt their play time to go to the bathroom. And honestly, the more angry we get, the more control they have. I think that a big part of it is control. I mean, think about it... we tell them exactly what to do and exactly when to do it. I just don't think a 4 year old is scheming to rock the boat or upset his or her parents. I think the truth is "it is what it is". Why should we get all bent out of shape if they don't?  Surely they will grow out of it, and all this stressing over social expectations and fears is taking time away from us that we could be using positively instead, showing them unconditional love and acceptance. At some point, their peers will have some kind of influence on them as well. I'm tired of being mad and disappointed at my little boy. I guess I will try this whole "ignoring" thing, and see what happens. Either way, I am clearly not in control, no matter how I deal with it.  

Best of luck to all of us.

[pinkloulou23]

I am a nanny to twin boys aged 4. Potty trained them at 2, one breezed through the process, the other is still wetting himself daily! Its more fustrating for me as his parents dont seem to be bothered, they are both doctors, and they think im worrying over nothing!

Ive tried everything and i just dont know what to do for the best anymore!

[crystalamy1979]

my daughter is 4 1/2 she will be 5 in aug. she pees in her pants everyday all day, she pees in her bed on my bed, on the couch pretty much anywhere, and i dont know what to do. i bought goodnight pants for her but she refuses to wear them and refuses to go to the bathroom in the toilet. i have been dealing with this for 1 yr now and nothing has changed. im losing my cool with all of this bc she is making the apartment and everywhere smell really bad. she knows when she needs to go bc she will hold herself, but just sit and pee wherever she is. she also has behavior problems to not listening throwning fits and when we are in stores and she wants candy and i tell her no she takes it without me knowing. shes a 4 yr old that acts like shes 12 or something. she gets angry with me and hits screams spits and does whatever when shes angry. her father is in jail hes been there 1 yr and im guessing the reason why she acts this way is bc of him. before he left she had 1 accident a week or sometimes not at all, and she was good then. i dont know how to deal with this i have gave her time outs spanked her told her nicely that what shes doing is wrong but nothing works i mean NOTHING! she gets infections all the time bc she dont wanna go to the bathroom to pee. please can someone give me advice on how i should handle her behavior and peeing in her pants all day everyday? thanks

[casbah9662]

my 4.5 year old son also does this (he was dry at 2.5 but started peeing all day in his pants a year or so later; he goes weeks without doing it then starts up again, and even does it when he is being told off about having done it before!!!!) Like everyone else I've tries ignoring/rewarding/punishing, to no avail.  I don't feel any better knowing it's so common - it is literally driving me crazy!!!! I HATE all the laundry and the knowledge that he knows I can't do a darn thing about it! I think the next approach isn't to get him to stop doing it but to get myself some therapy to stop me caring. I'm starting to feel depressed sat the thought of the day ahead every morning when I hear him wake, and this is no good. Help!!!

[usmcwife106]

I need help.  My almost 4.5 year old boy is still in pull ups.  He wants nothing to do with potty training.  When I ask him to sit on the potty he starts crying and screaming "No, No."  I ask him if he's scared and he tells me no.  I have tried to put him in underwear and he just pees his pants.  All my friends tell me to just let him be and he'll get it soon.  I want him to start school next year but he can't if he's still in pull ups.  Any ideas?  I've also tried taking toys away.  Giving him toys if he does good.  Nothing seems to work.  

[jmomma286]

I am having the same problem with my daughter, she will be 4 next month. She is completely potty-trained or I thought. After she pees her pants, I ask her why she did it. She always tells me I didnt want to miss the show or didnt want to go inside. I recently started taking away the reason she did it one by one. It worked, unfortunatly she was stuck for over a week doing nothing but sitting in a chair next to the wall. No toys, no tv, no outside. Its been 2 weeks now with no problem at all. Guess she didnt like that much.

[helpusplease502]

My son is 3 1/2 and kind of gets the peeing down 70% of the time but the poo down 25% of the time. The daycare is going to remedial him down with the 2 year olds since he messes up at least every other day. What do you think? Sometimes he'll go 3 days without an accident but when it happens they say it upset the class to much.

[Marguerite1120]

I am going through the same exact thing with my son to be six year old Help!!!!!!!!!

[frncesc2001]

It's nice to see I'm not alone. I'm a mother of 4 children. My 3rd son is now 5. He has wet the bed EVERY night for about a year since he told me he didn't want diapers/pull-ups at night bc his sister (now 3) wasn't wearing them. I knew that it is normal for some time, although none of my other children ever had this problem, so I dealt with it. Since he was close to turning 5 his counsellor and I tried a reward chart, which did not work. Tried bribery with TV and DVD for his bedroom, also EPIC FAIL. There is not really anything I have not tried. I took him to the doctor last month and there was nothing wrong with his pee (no uti) she said it's normal until a child is 11! can you believe that? I know many people with many children and no one else has this problem.  Now, I left out one thing....my son has had a few (not too many) accidents during the years. He absolutely ruins his shoes, one such time was today in his kindergarten class. I just am at a loss, but I really don't believe it to be "normal" behavior....Any one of you who has gone to the doctors, what has happened after?

[momomia]

I had to add my story.  My boy is now 5 and still pees his pants.  He wears a pull up at night.  He doesn't pee his pants when he's at school.  He seems to do it just prior to a poop.  It smells like tar and sometimes it stinks up the whole place.  He'll do it right after I finished doing the laundry which drives me nuts.  I've tried to take away privileges ( no video games etc...)  It doesn't work.  I am at my wits end. He doesn't do it when we visit relatives, but I am embarrassed that I have to put a pull up on him at this age.  I had no problems with my other children all fully potty trained by 2.5.   He does have a more stubborn streak then they do in his personality.  He also is reading, so I know he is a pretty bright child.  Any ideas???

[Snap123]

Well I'm going to have to try what I just read. I know me getting upset just belittles him so I don't want to do that. He is potty trained but yea it seems like he's going backwards. I think this will realy help!

[britie4evr]

I have a 4 1/2 yr old who was fully potty trained for a couple years now and last few months she has been peeing herself and or her bed. she has peed herself at random times during the day. she will change out of her clothes and not say anything about it. She never says a thing about peeing herself until i or her daddy ask her if she peed herself and then she will start crying and say yes. i believe the crying is due to cause she believes she will get in less trouble. I limit her juices to before 4pm and water to stop at 6pm which is 2 hours before her bed. she goes potty right before bed. and yet she still has issues with peeing the bed. I have tried rewarding her and disciplining her, taking away toys, tv use etc.Have tried calmly talking to her about it and just ignoring it.Nothing seems to work. i need suggestions, don't know what else to do really. feel like i have tried everything.

[arkle69]

Hi
I just read your blog from 2009 about trying to get your child to not pee in their pants, I'm having this problem with my son who is 3 and a half.  I just wondered if the 'scheduled' pee times worked, if so how long to you leave it between pees!
Appreciate any feedback!
Thanks

[Ylllou]

We have 4yr old also wetting himself in day. He often always had small wet patches and every now and then blips, but now just wetting himself more and more. Coud you let me know about the urologist's scheduled wee programme as rings true to us your situation. Thanks

[stefiemarie1]

i know its pointless to post this because there is obviously no cure for this lol, but i do got to tell my story just to vent to someone. my daughter is now 4yrs old about to be 5 and i dont know what to do anymore. i believe she has ADHD because her teachers do tell me she is REALLY hyperactive and it is in her dads blood. i dont know if that has anything to do with the peeing in her pants issue but to be honest ever since ive started potty training her at age 2 shes never really been a "pro" at it. she started out peeing when i would tell her to and use pull ups at night but she has always had those occasional accidents. but as time went on i did bring a new guy into her life and had a new baby and i dont know if she is jealous because i am so busy taking care of the baby and cooking and cleaning for my husband before he gets home from work and just does it to get attention. i still give her a great amount of attention just most of the time its negative attention because she is always doing something bad. she constantly pees on herself during the day and at night. i find clothes in her closet and under her bed. she obviously knows its a bad thing or else she wouldnt be hiding clothes. but i try so hard to reward her when she does good or talk to her when she does bad, ive even tried the ignoring it thing and trust me that does not help. that just gives them the idea that its no big deal and they can do it without discipline, but to get to the point i had a stupid idea one day and she peed on herself right in front of me and laughed about it like it was a joke, so with me being sooooooo frustrated and angry i told her to get in the shower and instead of the water being warm it was mildly cold (not freezing) but it was cold enought for her, she was crying saying she didnt like the cold shower and she will not pee in her pants again, it was about 5 mins in and i took her out the shower and sat and explained that the next time she pees in her pants the water will get colder, that worked for about a month or so then one day she went with her dad for a day and him being lazy puts her in a pull up and messes her up. she comes home and she starts peeing in her pants again, i just dont know why!!!! she does not poop on herself thank god! she does that perfectly. but she constantly peeing on herself. i really liked reading everyones comments and replies but i would love to read one directly to me and my problem and what i should try. thnks :)

[bjohnson68]

i say your post before we went to the canaries for a holiday regarding the wearing of speedos. thought it was a load of rubbish. but my 8 year old son had started having a few wetting the bed and homself accidents he would com in from play hours after wetting and get changed. we did not want this on the holiday and worst of  all not on the flight 5 hours!!. so i gave him a new pair of speedos for the holiday and he put them on to travel in. i told him he could go to the pool when we got there without waiting to unpack. instant result. he arrived at the hotel dry and eh went off to the pool. i said to the wife so far so good. we joined him in the pool an hour later and we spent a couple of hours there. we returned to the room and he was dry from the pool so i told him he could leave the speedos on under his jeans to to to tea. later we returned to our room and i had discussed bedwetting with the wife. we had agreed to try letting him sleep in the speedos. the first night he was dry. so we did the same the following day making sure he showered at the pool before returning to the room each night. we had 14 days of no accidents and NO bedwetting. once we returned he wore briefs for a day and came home he had peed in them whilst playing and let them dry and he wet the ed most nights that week. so it must be in the mind but we let him go back to the speedos and he has been dry since day and night it has been 2 months since our holiday. so we will be staying with the speedos for now he is happy and we are too. he even said it is better at school swim time he does not cange after swim just dried his speedos with his towel and gets dressed. he says some of his friends now do the same and they used to wet the bed too.

[waterbaby44]

i am sorry, but i do not agree with your methods!

[specialmom]

Night time wetting is actually pretty common for children until age 8 or 9!  Some kids simply do not get the signal to go strong enough to wake them them out of a deep sleep.  They shouldn't be shamed of punished for this.  

I do think the method of waking older kids to go at say around 1 am is a good idea (kids that are 8,9, or older) so that their internal clock may begin to wake them and they will perhaps catch the pee and hold it until morning.  Limiting drinks is also a timeless strategy.  Keep them well hydrated all day and they do not need to drink as much at night.  

It's hard.  No kid really Wants to pee their bed.  Handling it with empathy and caring really helps.  good luck

[coonic]

Thank you so much for the advice...so far this seems the most beneficial. I started potty training my lil girl right after she turned 2. Se is almost 3 now and though I feel like she understands about going to the potty, she will wet her underwear just enough to have to change them. And I, like every other parent, has tried all the other "tricks" and nothing has worked. I definitely think I started trying to train her too early. How long did you set the timer for?

[bitz857]

Like many others have said, I cant' believe how many people are going through this.  It really does give me a small sense of relief because sometimes you start to lose hope or you lose faith in your ability to parent.  It's extra hard in a split family situation, mom has 4 yr boy 30-50% of the time (some time at granny's) and he's with myself and dad the other 50% of the time with alternating weekends.  He was using the potty with no problems at 3 and up until recently after turning 4 he's having accidents during the day sometimes and now it's daily dribbles.  Dad and I have tried most of the approaches suggested but the mom doesn't do the same things if anything, she actually puts him in pull-ups at night.  Recently the son has been having strong anxiety about always checking for dribbles and worrying about getting in trouble at dads.  Trouble as in he doesn't get to wear his super hero costume to play in or wear it to bed.  He's still there enjoying other things and he never expresses fear or long term unhappiness while with us.  Yet while with mom he has lots of anxiety attacks and is always checking and worrying about the dribbles and now he's expressing he doesn't want to go to dads because he gets in trouble there.  So the mom has actually asked...well told us that we need to tell him that accidents are OK so that he will stop worrying about it.  We just don't feel that this is the best solution.  And isn't the 4yr old telling her what to do now?  I agree with ignoreing it to an extent but in our scenario the child is constantly wanting to talk about it and make sure dad is happy and of course that makes dad feel like he's being too hard on him for calmly telling him that these types of accidents aren't OK, he'a big boy now and wants to be recognized as that so we remind him part of being a big boy is using the toilet.  They've been split since the son was born and dad has always given his son 100% of his attention, play together, watch cartoons together, colour, play on the leap pad...its very frustrating to me because when we do have him at our place I'm the only adult doing the adult things around the house, the child actually refuses to play by himself, and usually wins that battle as well.  I sometimes wonder if this has anything to do with it??  I'm finding now though, after reading so many posts it seems to be just a thing that happens to most kids.  Now we just need to try the next thing, see if it works and if it doesn't you move onto another thing to try.  One question though, how do you ignore something like that without making the child feel or see that, "oh well it's OK, nothing happens, I just change my clothes"  won't that make the bad bevahviour continue??

[Umnoor83]

as if you are exactly describing my daughter.. we really want to understand her personality so we can figure out how to help her and deal with her!!
she also ***** her thumb and its the same suffering dealing with that, too.
praising did not work, ignoring did not work, and punishment did not work.... what would we do next??!!
When I first started potty training her, I downloaded an app that reminds her to go potty and give her a sticker each time she goes.. and after she collects a number of stickers she gets a game.. I'm thinking of downloading it again, and will go from there.

[whistle71007]

My little girl is 5 and recently had surgery for deflux which is bladder reflux.  She hd e surgery 6 months ago and still has uti's.  She also wets her pants if we can not get her to the restroom rite away.  She wets the bed at night and when she has to pee, it is right away. She is on medication for this but it hasnt helped her at all, just gives her nightmares.  I believe as a mother all we can do is wait it out and not get angery when they have these accidents.

[francine026]

hi i have the same problem with my 4 year old that turning 5 year old in 2 month he can got 2 weeks without peeing himself then he turn back to his old routine and keep peeing himself and i try everything try staying calm me and my new bf try talking with him he tell us lies everytime like my old daddy make me do it which he like 8 hrs away , or my kid brother is making me nervous, i dont want to, im sleeping when he up every lie u can think he gave us also try discpline that doesnt work he think it fun, made him wash clothes that didnt work, try sticker and rewards and that dont work, took toy away because said he was to busy playing with the toy that why he peeing himself so there no more toy here anymore ,ignoring the fact desnt help get very frustating because we are training the youngest that 2 year old which was working well to till he kept seeing the oldest peeing himself so now he doe it all the time he doesnt want to get train anymore i know it stress related becasuse of the change in my kids life a new daddy, doesnt get to see the other one or talk to him because the other one wont talk to them, and the oldest keeps blaming me for his daddy leaving me but it not my fault and he scared that his real daddy will come get him in the middle of the night so i let it go for night because yes that is scary but there no reason for day time either it up to a point that my bf cant take it anymore he very stress out and frustated but the kids listen more to him then me though i dont know why any other suggestion or input for me to try email me proulx_francine2003***@****

[Bmekerch]

After being one of the frustrated parents dealing with this same issue, I stumbled upon this feed and all the comments. The thing that I took away was, clearly our kids have not mastered bladder control even if we thought that they had. I went back to taking him to the bathroom every 3 hours just as if he were potty training again. It seems to have worked. I know it may be unreasonable for some parents as they work or kids are at school. But, I stay at home and have been able to make a schedule. My son has never had an issue at school or at night. Just with control and getting to the bathroom in time if he goes for longer than 3 hours. I feel like it may help to train his bladder muscles. We've been angry, punished, rewarded, and ignored. This is the first thing to keep the sanity here. Hope my experience can help another parent. Good Luck

[jewe820]

"I am a mother of 4 and only one of my children had an accident once when she was 2 and 1/2...." bla bla bla... We too talk to our children and use "common sense" in raising them...
Use little understanding and empathy in your posts or don't post a all!!!

[LizaT]

Thank you for posting this. I will give it a try.

[Buddymac]

I can't believe the amount of people going through this with their kids!! I thought was just me! My 4yr old is potty trained from Dec 2011 but still has accidents in bouts of weeks sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, and lately seems to be getting worse. I am at my wits end and although I am reluctant to admit it I find it very hard to keep my temper sometimes!! Even though I know better. And night time is a no go altogether, I have tried but to no avail, her pull ups are always full and she doesn't get loads of fluids after 6pm??  I have tried everything from ignoring it, to rewards & bribes!! Sounds to be some valid posts here with good points, thanks good to know we not alone

[Nyom]

Your comment was very insightful.   Thank you for reminding us to take a deep breath and love our kids just the way they are!