4 yo girl's lack of participation in group activites

[3zees]

My daughter's preschool teacher raised a concern today about her lack of participation in group activites-- not free play in their learning centers or on the playground, but rather activites such as circle time or organized games such as Duck Duck Goose and Tag. She sites examples such as during circle time when they are reviewing days of the week or months, my daughter will raise her hand to answer a question, but when the attention turns to her, she will put her head down and refuse to speak. With Duck Duck Goose, she wants to participate and sits in the circle, but when she is picked-- she refuses to get up and run the circle. It is as if she really wants to participate, but has "stage fright". The idea sounds good, but when it actually comes to doing it, she backs out. The teacher says that no amount of coaxing or encouragement seems to change her unwillingness to participate. One-on-one with her teachers, she is fine. She enjoys school (never complains about going), talks about the friends that she plays with, and has a good relationship with her teachers-- she is a bit clingy at "drop off", but quickly gives kisses and says goodbye to her father or myself. She has a 5 year old sister who was a bit shy in beginning of her 4 year old pre-school class, but quickly warmed up to her teachers and classmates with no participation problems. The teachers are concerned as they are having difficulty determining where she is developmentally. I'm probably biased, but I see her thought processes and answer her questions and feel that she is average to above average in most areas.

I'm not sure if these behaviors could be related, but at home my husband and I observe that she gives up easily on tasks and needs extra encouragement to keep trying--often flat out refusing to continue (for example, dressing herself or writing her name). It is as if she doesn't have the confidence that she can do it and doesn't want to fail-- even though these are easy tasks that she's done for months. She is very stubborn and sometimes it is easier to do things for her rather than insist that she does them herself-- we recognize that this is probably not good for her and are trying to be more consistent with our insistence on her completing tasks on her own. I'm not quite sure if this is the right approach. She and her sister share a room, but she dreads bedtime and uses excuses to delay. She frequently wakes in the middle of the night and wants to sleep in our bed. Again, we aren't always consistent in putting her back in her bed or leting her sleep with us.

At 3 years old, she was enrolled in a dance class (along with her sister), she refused to participate and sat in the front with the teacher and watched. However, this year she asked to take gymnastics (again with her sister) and willingly participates in every class.

I'm worried that this behavior is a sign of a bigger problem, but hoping that I'm being overly concerned. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

I don't think you have to worry about any larger issue. She will warm up to participation as time goes on. All you can do is continue to introduce her to age-typical activities and experiences. Her history is that she eventually overcomes her reticence and you can expect this will happen in school. Trust your instincts about the situation at home. Don't step in and solve situations for her; that will only unwittingly encourage the behavior. The same holds true for her sleeping arrangement. It's important to be firm and consistent about this, otherwsie you are reinforcing the very thing you don't want to occur.

[mb426]

A related discussion, My four year old won't participate in group sports was started.