4 yr old boy doesn't listen to me

[bip]

My son  name is conner he's 4 he has tempers all the time he doesn't listen to me at all. I tell him he can't do something and he has a very bad temper. He gets mad very easy. He yells scream tells me he doesn't like me he wants a new mom and Im very sentive so I get a upset cause I don't know if Im doing anything wrong. I count to 3 that don't help, Ill give him a time out he fights with me. I should say everything I do he fights with me. I just wanted to see if I can have any advise. I feel like maybe Im not doing the right thing. Oh and if he wants something Ill say no and he will flip out in the stores I don't give in I take him out of the stores.

[bip]

Thanks everyone for your advise  I hope everything will get better.

[Agiesmom]

I just wanted to add my thoughts...my now 11 yo was like your son when he was younger.  I read so many books and kept trying different things--time outs, taking things away, getting him to earn things, sticker charts, rewards, Magic 1-2-3, etc.).  In hindsight, I think that consistency is the key (they need to know what to expect)--so I suggest that you pick something you are comfortable with and stick with it.  Give it time to work before assuming it's not going to and trying something else.  And be consistent in implementing the consequence--if you don't follow through just one time, it sends them a message: Maybe she doesn't mean it.  Also, if you need a few seconds to think about a consequence, take a few seconds...don't blurt out, "We're not going to Disneyland if you don't stop that right now."  I've done this--threatened to take something I really wouldn't take.  Even doing that occasionally sends a message to them and they will keep testing the boundaries.

[bip]

I told my husband that the yelling doesn't help. I had a talk with him and told him he yells we are going to have a separtion and he been good cause he knows Im upset so he is starting to see a councelor. Im moving into a condo and they have a pool, park so my 2 boyz can go out more. I think this will help. I live in a arpartment now and it's no where to play I have to take them out somewhere.  I think this new place will be good. The nice weather is here now so we will be busy.

[Trialanderror]

Good for you. Hopefully it will all fall into place. Maybe all of you just had the "cabin fever"...

[Cleveland Mom]

You need to take control.  Your son needs a mommie who is in charge and sets limits and has boundries.   Set up a behavior plan for your son and other kids.  Start off by working on a couple of behavior problems i.e. talking back, hitting.  Tell Connor that there are some new rules.  When he breaks the rules he will go to time out for 4 minutes.  One minute for every year old he is.  When he breaks the rule, give him a warning, then if he breaks it again send him to time out.  Time out should be in a boring place like the bathroom or a utility room.  Use a timer, be precise about time out lasting for 4 minutes.  BE CONSISTENT!!!!  If you are consistent I can assure you you will see a postive change in his behavior, you must be consistent.  A great book is SOS:Help for parents by psychologist, Lynn Clark.

Kids need and want parents who set boundries and who are in charge.  This is very important for childrent to develop emotional maturity and to gain self-control.  It won't be easy at first but trust me its worth it.  I was just sick of feeling controlled by my 4 and 2 year olds so I set up a plan and my home is a much happier place.  I feel more at confident and more at peace as a mom because I know that by I am helping my children to develop into responsible self-controlled people.

Best wishes...

[Trialanderror]

It seems that you are already using all the proper discipline methods that are out there and even use the "learning by natural consequences" method by taking your son out of the store when he throws a tantrum. Sometimes all these methods fail, at least temporarily, because there may be too many NOs per day and not enough positive attention. Sometimes children start to feel disconnected and bad if they are reprimanded all day long. Not sure if that is the case. Maybe you can think of a few activities that you do just with your 4-year-old, something that he likes, a picnic at the park or whatever, something where he has your full loving attention. Kids are just easier to steer when they feel accepted. Wait a minute - I just remember your other post about your marriage...Well, there must be a lot of tension in the house, so to get out of the house might help a bit. Also, little boys easily pick up on how a husband treats his wife. Since your husband seems to be yelling a lot as you wrote in the other post, it is quite likely that your little guy just copies that respectless behaviour. My son went through a short phase like this around age 3 after he started witnessing more and more of his dad`s attitude toward his mother and his new wife. Both ladies let him treat them with total disrespect and it took a few intense weeks with my son to show him that mommy does not take that attitude, especially not from a 3-year-old. Once the difficult time you are currently going through is settled, I am sure both your son and you will get a handle on this. With patience, principles and love.