4 yr old impluse control and aggression

[merajay15]

My 4 yr old has issues controlling his emotions. He gets angry and whiny very easily. First I thought he was spoiled and needed help socially, but recently at several preschool events I have noticed he's different. He's high energy which is fine bur he's quite aggressive pushing and hitting other kids as if he doesnt know to play. He has complete melt Downs when he doesn't get his way or win. He throws things hits etc.not sure how to deal he's very smart and has a good heart but others are starting. To exclude him and label him negatively. I'm exhausted and am often tears. Parenting can't be that hard. What do I do

[merajay15]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I would really appreciate any resources you have like the games and what to do if you get rejected. It could be that he just needs to learn to play and he will grow out of his explosive behavior. I'm praying! I still am going to have him asssed for my own peace of mind and maybe he can get some occupational therapy etc. I don't think my son has sensory integration disorder as he has very good fine motor skills. He is very clumsy though. I took him to the neighbors yesterday and it went relatively well but I had to what I call police him the entire time explaining over and over again how to play, why he should or shouldn't do something. It was exhausting.

Thanks you again

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I say this with affection for my kids, but sometimes parenting IS that hard.  I love it but being a parent has challenged me i ways I never expected.  I have two sons that are 16 months apart.  

One thing I noticed with both of my sons is that 4 years old was a very hard age (they are now 8 and 7).  It was as if they felt the need to test the boundaries all over again and make sure I was on my game.  Some days were exhausting but four passes, I promise.

So, some natural testing of boundaries and beig difficult are quite common at that age.  

You do, however, hit on a subject near and dear to my heart.  My older son, bless his heart, had issues at preschool.  Social skills and play skills did not come naturally to him.  He wandered the room at preschool often, messed up other kids games, and was also being excluded by peers.  He was quite volatile emotionally ---  getting upset over things that I didn't fully understand and not being able to calm himself.  He also had a fight or flight response which is a neurological reaction (run away or fight)/ impulse.  It was a very difficult time in our life as I wanted him to fit in but he just wasn't.  

Now, in his case, it turned out he had more going on.  He has something called sensory integration disorder also called sensory processing disorder.  Very smart boy but his nervous system doesn't process things the right way at times--  it can over react, under react, etc.  My son also had trouble with things like hand writing and other fine motor skills making school a frustrating place for him as they required more of that at 4.  His fine motor issues were related to his sensory integration problem.  He had trouble with what they call regulation and he could not self soothe.  he also had trouble with impulse control and he'd often make unsafe choices desiring to crash and bang about.  He certainly had issues with social skills.

So, that was what is going on with my child.  You can begin to watch yours to see if he is just having some minor trouble or if you think it is something more like mine.  For some kids---  with or withOUT issues, social skills don't come naturally.  There is much you can do to help.

You can teach him social skills.  You talk to him about things like eye contact, personal space, taking turns talking, etc.  If you need help with that, let me know.  There are games you can play to help.  Then you need to teach him how to play with his peers.  This requires you to basically ACT llike one of his peers and play with him.  Make him share, make him take turns, don't always let him win (we always said that we take turns winning), help him come up with ideas to present to play but then insert your own so he learns to be flexible with friends.  Give him the language to use when he wants to play with friends.  Actually act it out with him to help.  Basically, you can almost give him a script.  

then socialize for real with him.  Set up one on one play dates that last for about an hour to hour and a half.  You can meet the other mom and child at the park but you must stay engaged with the kids.  Don't just talk to the mom as you will help guide your son.  I did a lot of this and found that kids love adults around.  The other moms usually sit and I would go and help my son learn how to interact.  The other kid on the play date liked it.  I would back off and let them be and then step in when I needed to.  Have kids over to your house as well but keep it short and put away any special toys he'll get upset if they touch.  If you can't find a play date, go to anywhere that kids hang out and look for someone to strike up some play with.  We met a zillion strangers and played with them as most kids are happy to play.  My son also got rejection at those places too--  but it gave us practice as to what to do if rejected.  Parks, play gyms, pools, etc. are all good places to 'find' kids to play with.  

There is a book called "hands are not for hitting" which I really like.  I would also go to the library and get lots of books on emotions written for kids.  Then read them to him and talk about it.  Help him get words for how he is feeling so he can express himself.  Using his words is so helpful.  Then give him alternatives to do when upset rather than the meltdown or hitting other kids.  He can go to a 'cool down' spot where no one bothers him (a pop up tent, under a table, or in a corner will all work nicely at school), use his words, open and close his fist tightly, count to 10, take deep breaths, etc.

Well, good luck and I wish you all the best!