4y-old with stubbornness turning aggresive(aggressive)

My 4-year old son is often hard to handle. If he is told to do(stop doing) something, he often barely pays attention. If he does, he often reacts by yelling at you. However, this comes in different degrees with different people. He treats his mother the worst, today she had to walk out of a doctor's appointment with him because of his rude and aggressive behaviour after he was told to do something (no apin involved, it was a hearing test). I fare a bit better, I argue a lot with him trying to concince him to do what I want him to do. However, if I scold him, he often will try to hurt me (mainly pinching in the face or arms). Whereas my parents do not have any difficulty with him. They get along just fine with him. Although they will agree he is a stubborn child. At school he regularly gets angry/aggerssive at another kid without anybody necesarily understanding why. But he has able to make/maintain friendships.
Does the fact that he behaves differently with different peolpe imply that this is a relational issue (which we can work on) rather than a disorder he was born with? Or can one not really tell?

[specialmom]

I would say that since it is situational, it is probably more likely a relationship issue.  I have a 5 year old with a delay called sensory integration disorder and 4 year old child without a delay but an occasional attitude.  What four year doesn't have this sometimes?  Four year olds are tough little creatures at times, for sure.  Your guy holds himself together for grandparents (although, he may not have the same stressers as when he is with you or at school.).  Someone on here gave some really valuable insight that made a lot of sense to me (and made me feel better too) which is that a child is likely to treat the adults he is close to the worst due to his utmost comfort level.  Anyway, my son with a delay has a tough time in unfamiliar, loud enviroments and when he is out of his element (as he was starting school or anything new)-----   my younger son without a delay does fine then but will save his "fits" for me at home (like over the fact that I cut his sandwich in two instead of giving it to him whole, big things like that . . .).  All kids are different though.  
There need to be firm rules on aggressive behavior, however,  It is important to think ahead about what could cause the behavior and figure a plan out for your son ahead of time.  Role play how he should respond if someone has a toy he wants, for example.  Model the behavior and act out appropriate words for what he wants to accomplish.  His behavior is a response to frustration/ anger and a limited ability to deal with it.  I'd think of valued item of his (a special toy, a favorite activity) and that is your bargaining chip.  At 4, time outs work okay but I've had more success with dangling a carrot of reward out there and asking them to work to get the carrot.  If it goes way way way downhill, they'll get a time out.  My rules are the same EVERYWHERE and EVERYDAY.  I try to be consistent and keep it simple.  
It also really helps to give a 4 year old some choices.  They are much more willing to do what you'd like if you ask.  
Good luck!!

[Natta1980]

It is quite possible your 4 year old holds himself together at grandparents b/c it is very occasional and there are no demands (naturally) placed on him. Nobody does an ear check on him


Sounds a lot like my son was at 4 and he has sensory issues.


One point that would be defenitely helpful - do not argue. My son escalates so much when I start arguing/raising my voice. State what you need him to do, if not complying, repeat request (only once), then lead him by the hand to the task (i.e. cleaning)