A close ftiend of mine is pulling her hair out with worry as to whether her fiancee's 4 year old son's behaviour is abnormal for his age. He has always presented as a child with problems behaving, He has constant temper tantrums and is very often violent to both his peers and also to adults some recent examples are pushing an 18 month old babt down comcrete stair case whilst laughing uncontrolably, strangling another child until his face was turning blue and kicking and smacking a pregnant in the stomach as well us doing his best to trip her over ontp the floor every chance he had. He is disruptive and destructive he appears to derive much pleasure tearing wallpaper from walls, scribbling pen on others or chippin and peeling paint from surfaces dmashing and destroying toys belonging to himself as well as other children as well as possessions and objects belonging to adults. He bites himself so hard he breaks the skin and bleeds turning on water works followed by lying that another child has hurt him to cayse trouble. The child effectively uses a combination of violence intimidation paddy fits whinging and bawling to dp his damdist to excert control over both his peers and to adults in order to get his own way or what he wants and when or how he wants it. Although perfectly capible of using cutelery and using table manners as a child his age ought he choses to use his hands mincing up food through his fingers shovelling bits of the mess from his hands to his mouth then goes on to chop on it with his mouth open spraying bits over others sat at the table with him. He also grabs the food on the other peoples plates again with his hands liking it and putting it onto their plays again or over their clothing revelling in the attention and reaction that this farm animal behaviour provokes.
For the past twelve months she has tried implementing a wide vareity of techniques attempting to install some disciple into the little boy including naughty steps, rewad charts, removal of toys and withdrawing treats and sweets, pretty much with little sucess it really does seem he derives more enjoyment or satisfaction from his bad behaviour than from any of the techniques she is trying with him. Has anybody got and tips or ideas that may be helpful????? She has 2 kids of her own and is pregnant with a child due in the new year to her fiancee. At present they are living with their own children seperatly with an intention to marry before christmas this year before the baby comes. My friends kids are very well balanced polite and well manored kids who make friends with ease and play happily together, but sadly the 4 year old son of her fiancee is so horrid nasty violent and spiteful with them and takes real pleasure smashing up their toys which they had always taken very good care of themselves during the time they are all together my friend feels stuck between a rock and a hard place coping with pregnancy protecting and nurturing the children she has already, desperate to find the key to improving the little boys behaviour so she can marry and live as one family unit with the man she loves and adores. As the way the land lies now she is constantly on edge if he will hurt the children or her and whether will be violent toward the new born baby when its born. There are also issues relating to his behaviour of a sexual nature, my friend is very alarmed that the boy is positioning his groin along the edge of the sofa grinding bacj and forth clearly obtaining some kind of gratification as his genitals rub back and forth along the cushion, he is not bothered who is in the room whilst he does this and certainly feels no embarrassment. He also removed his pj bottoms and inserts his finger inside his anus whilst stroking and massaging his scotum and penis again he is not bothered to be seen doing it. He gets onto the floor nehind the dog intreiged by the dogs anus and i believe he has touched it just as he gropes and pulls at the dogs nipples when he thinks he is alone. When the little girl is putting clothes on and off he makes certain je is in the room or will follow and sneak into wjere she changing and blatently stare at her undressed it makes both my friend and her daughter very uncomfortable she really feels he gets some pleasure seeing jer daughter undressed, plus he creaps and sneaks around peeping at my friend using the toilet and bathing when the door is ajar or through the crack at side of door.she says he often appears to be staring intently at her breasts and groin as though he were able to see right through her clothing and see her naked self. Are these sexual behaviours normal for a boy his age? Taken into account alongside his histpry of aggression violence and like for control could be be a potentail threat to her daughter or even her son for that matter? Should she talk to her GP and see if he may need refering to some kind of child mental services proffessional for assessment please help!!
Hm. Well, first let me say that when seperation of parents happens, many children do not handle it very well. It is not at all uncommon for a child to act out. There is a difference between the two households and it causes a feeling of instability. Certain rules at one place an not at another. Different routines, etc. Also, with his mother . . . he most likely does not have new, unknown children taking away from his father's attention as he does when he is with your friend and her kids. That is hard on most children. Some handle it better than others but it is helpful to put yourself in his shoes and picture how this must all feel to him. Adults think kids should just get over it and love every thing they do . . . but it isn't always that easy. And his feelings are somewhat valid. They'll get farther for ackowledging this than just viewing him as horrid.
Also, from your description, I'd say that this boy is not supervised very well. I say that because if he is with a younger child and has time to get them down and choking them until they are blue . . .um, where is the adult? I think that some kids you can wander away from and others you can not. This little boy needs more structued play and supervision. Your friend has her hands full . . .two other kids and a baby on the way. But, when you have that many little ones---------- you just have to make it work. She won't have much time for herself and getting other things done . . .but the kids won't be little forever. I had two boys close in age and I took showers at night while they were sleeping, for example so I didn't have to leave them unsupervised.
He does sound like he has some issues with aggression. Is anyone rough with him? Could he be modeling any type of behavior? I think I'd tell your friend to go to the library and check out books on feelings. In the kid section they should have a high number of books that put the feeling of anger in kids words that he can understand and use. There is also a book "hands are not for hitting" that is good and I would get. I'd make violence an automatic time out. "SOS for Parents" by Lynn Clark goes through the proper steps time out. There is a wise person here that has researched it and says that it takes about 3 weeks for any change in behavior to happen. So keep trying things for a while before you decide it isn't working. Pick one to two things at a time to work on.
Does he get much time with dad alone? The fiance and her kids should not always be a package deal with dad. They need their own time together and to do fun things where he feels like HE Is the most important thing in dad's life. (all kids want to feel this way.)
The rubbing is somewhat a natural thing that some kids stumble upon. I'd make a rule that he can do it but only by himself in his room.
I don't know how this will go down for the long term for this family. A new baby into the mix will make it that much more stressful. Bottom line, the dad has a responsibility to the boy and the relationship should be promoted. How it gets to one happy family, I do not know. I think it will be helpful if your friend tries really hard to bond with him (again, seperate from all of the other kids). He isn't "horrid"------ he's just got some issues to work out. He's a little boy that will learn over time. The adults need to always stay calm with him and keep his best interests in mind. But it will take time and patience. I wish your friend had noticed these issues with her fiance's son before becoming pregnant. Then she could decide if she could handle the stress of his child or not. Now she kind of has to.
Anyway, I've also found getting down on a child's level to speak with them helps and use a calm voice. Make violent, aggressive actions a total no no------- that is an immediate consequence and time out. I use the phrase "hands to self" or "body to self". Try organized play with him to keep him active and involved. Give him choices when you need him to comply. Make him feel welcome and loved. good luck
What is the child's life like when he is not with his father? He sounds like he is being ignored at best, harmed at worst. Is the state involved at all?
Your friend owes it to her children, including the one with whom she is presently pregnant, not to bring them into this situation permanently until some of this is ironed out. It doesn't matter how much she loves the man, the kids are the innocent victims of this adult stupidity (pardon my judgment, but anyone who gets pregnant in a situation like this is putting their own wants and wishes before their duty to their kids). I wouldn't force the kids together at all, and I would tell the man I won't marry him until his son gets the help he clearly needs.
The only thing I really want to caution here is that the child is not the bad guy. So often, a new fiance/girlfriend will want to make it out as if . . . only if that kid weren't around, things would be good. This boy is an innocent child that sounds victem to some bad circumstances. He may have some other issues going on but all of this requires empathy for this poor little boy. I hope that the adults in his life show him that.
I am not a professional, but I do not think this is normal behavior or caused by his fathers speration. I think that he should be evaluated by a professional. Bipolar disorder in children often manifests w/sexual acting out and extreme aggression. It can also be a sign of sexual abuse.
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