4yr. old daughter having tantrums

I have a 3yr. old daughter soon to be 4 (early May) who has begun to have tantrums.  The tantrums don't come randomly or without cause; they usaully occur when I have told her to do something and she has refused to do it.  Her tantrums worsten the angrier I get.  I try to get really stern make ugly faces at her but she does not respond to them. I have spanked her and always feel guilty for doing it in addition doesn't seem to work with correcting her behaivior. She's very stubborn, strong willed and refuses to give in to my requests.  I understand her tantrums because I too was stubborn and strong willed as a child and would get angry at my mother if she spanked me or got really mean with me.  I felt she had violated me and my space in a sense all though I was just a kid around my daughters age.  

I suppose I know the problem is my reaction to my daughters actions but I don't know what to do.  How can I get her to do as I say without it escalating to an extreme tantrum?  Keep in mind the tantrums consist of crying, yelling, slamming doors, throwing objects even hitting me.  

[CHeimes]

Have you ever watched the Nanny show - where the nanny comes into someones house and changes the way they parent there children?  You should watch it sometime - you'd learn alot.

Spanking: Not sure that's a proven approach.  I would suggest you stop that now.  You hold your hands out to your child to hug her & love her... she trusts you.  
Then you hold your hand out the next minute to hurt her... and spankings do hurt whether they are light or hard.  They hurt more mentally sometimes than physically.  You strart losing her trust when you start spanking.

Suggestion:  When she throws the tantrum IGNORE her.  Go into another room, don't talk to her while she's doing it.  Let her slam the doors, throw a fit on the floor... IGNORE her.  IF she throws something at either you, someone else or at something... that is when you interfere and put her in a naughty chair in the corner.  If she gets out, you put her right back in there, if she gets out you put her right back in there, if she gets out you put her right back in there... this could take up to 30 minutes of your time... but it is 30 minutes worth it!  Trust me!
The one thing that you do want to do - before you put her in the naughty chair is tell her why your putting her there and then that's it.  She knows why and there is nothing else to say about it.  She should be in the naughty chair for 1 minute her age.  So if she's 4 - then she goes into the naughty chair for 4 minutes.  If she gets out then the clock starts over.  Set your microwave timer.  If she gets out, then go re-set the mircrowave timer for another 4 minutes...

Remember though - the naughty chair should be for; throwing things, hurting someone, talking rudely or other major things.  The naughty chair shouldn't be for throwing a tantrum... that is just a child behavior that ALL of us went through.  You shouldn't be disciplined for a normal behavior, just ignore her.

Be patient... it will take several days or even a week before she stays put, but once she realizes your not playing around... she'll stay put - I promise!

Let me know how it works out and stay away from the physical abuse... because that's what spanking is... physical abuse.