4yr old out of control behavior

[Christine]

My 4 yr old daughter gets mean for no reason at all. If I ask her to do something, she just ignores me, until I have to ask her 3 or 4 times... then by then, I'm upset and end up yelling, and then she yells back. I always ask her nicely when I need her to do something, but it always ends up in an arguement. I've tried time outs.. she just goes back to doing the same thing. I've tried swats...but I dont like to spank... she ends up hitting me back, or kicking me.  Theres talk she could have ADD or ADHD because it runs in both sides of our family (ie. my uncle, my husbands sister).  We just recently got a dog, and now she punishes the dog when she gets mad at me. She will pinch the dogs skin or cheeks, or hit the dog when the dog is just play biting.. Im lost on what kind of discipline to try now.  I shouldnt have to ask her 5 times to pick up her toys. I shouldnt have to be scared out of my wits when she runs from me in a busy parking lot, because she doesnt want to hold my hand.  I'm afraid she's gonna get herself hurt if her behavior doesnt change. Any advice??  A little note to add is that I myself suffer from anxiety, but am currently taking Celexa to get it under control.  So, is it me thats causing her to act out?? I'm not a divorced mom. And her father tries discipling her too, but she is worse with him, she yells back at him, and wont listen to what he says either... PLEASE HELP!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Christine,

It would be overstating the matter to say that you are causing your daughter's behavior, but your description indicates that you are contributing to it. And this is generally the case in relation to childhood behavior problems. That is, the problem is at least partly a result of the parent-child interaction, and generally the child will change to the extent that the parents can make some changes.

No, you shouldn't have to tell your daughter to do something five times. And you don't have to do this - you are choosing to do this. It's not a good choice to be making. As you can see, it's not effective. It only teaches your daughter not to take you seriously, and it results in your becoming more and more angry.

At the most, tell her twice. After the first direction, if she doesn't comply, reiterate the direction only once and in the form of an ultimatum: If you do not......, you will go to time out (or whatever the consequence will be). That should be the end of the directions. If she complies, good. If not, issue the consequence. By no means repeat the direction again. Remember, when you give her an ultimatum, you've given it to yourself as well. You've given yourself the challenge of following through on what you said.

If I were in your shoes, I'd resurrect time out and make it work. I've never, in thirty years of clinical practice, seen an instance when time out was not effective if parents utilized it correctly. So my guess is that it's not the technique that's the problem, it's how you're using it. For a basic manual on time out and general issues of behavior management, look at Lynn Clark's S.O.S.: Help for Parents. It is a practical, sound book.
Dr. KDK

[Kathy]

I have a son almost 4 who sounds alot like your daughter.
Read 123 magic it helped alot with my son. He still is a handful but has improved greatly.

[kim]

We have a 3yr old.  When we give our child an instruction we require a "Yes mommy" or a "Yes daddy."  Some people use maam and sir.  The point is getting your child to acknowledge your authority and it also lets you, the parent, know that he/she has heard you.  

At times we also have our daughter repeat the instruction.  Something about verbalizing it helps a child take ownership of the instruction.

A parenting class we took also suggested giving your child the moral or practical reason why of an instruction, not just correct the behavior.  By doing this, it helps them to store the underlying value so that they can make correct decisions when you aren't around.

It's all theory.  No, our child isn't perfect but these guidelines seems to have helped us out.

[Mark]

We require our children to always respond with "yes sir" "no sir" or "yes maam" or "no maam" whenever we ask a question or tell them something they need to do. You need to establish respect for authority.