5 Year old daughter sleeps with grand parents... help?

[TigaHotty]

Hi, I'm not sure where to turn to anymore. I married my husband 3 years ago septmeber. We started dating when his daughter was 1 year old, she is 5 years old now. I have been in her life almost as long as she has been born. I have been a second mother to her and sence my husband and I got married I concider myself her "Step Mother".

The hard part to explain is that when me and my husband started dating he was living with his parents. Because he broke up with his childs mother it was just him and his parents caring for his daughter. My husband had second shift job, his mother had third shift job, and his father had first shift job. There for they all rotated who cared for the child. I came into the picture and was expected to help care for her as well which I loved to do and did not mind at all. I love her with all my heart as if she were my own child ((I do not have any children of my own)). We moved out of his parents home, got married, and bought a trailer in a park and lived there for 2 years.

Because my husband had joint custody of 2 weeks on 2 weeks off things changed when the childs mother decided to go into court and get more custody because my husband worked full time and did not have enough time to spend with his daughter and that I was watching her all the time. She won and got more custody because my husband worked full time and she did not/would not work and could stay home with her all day at her grand parents home. That left us with every weekend from Friday afternoon to sunday afternoon.

Every weekend that the child would come to us, she slept in her own big girl bed in her very own room which we made sure she had and had the best. She never once had the need to try and sleep with us or want to sleep with us or even get up in the middle of the night and crawl into bed with us. This was never a problem with us.

Now, this economy going down I lost my job and we could not afford living where we were with high lot rent/utilitys. We have sence moved back into my husbands parents home until we can get back onto our feet.

I did forget to mention that because my husbands parents had such a very close bond that they expected to take his child every other weekend that we would get her making us only have her every other weekend and that is only 4 days a month. Thats bullcrap if you ask me, but my husband allows it.

Before we moved in and his parents got the child every other weekend to spend time with her. The child had her own room in their home with her own bed. They went out and bought the best bed, decorations, toys, ect. But would allow her to end up sleeping in their bed with them in the middle of the night. She would wake up eairly morning and crawl out of bed to use the bathroom and end up redirected and end up in her grand parents bed. Instead of sending her back to her room/taking her to her own room they let her sleep with them.

I have problems with this because when the child is with us she listens to us when the grand parents are not around. When the grand parents are around she wont listen to us and runs to them to get her own way which they let her do.

Because they were allowing her to sleep in their bed before we moved in I tried to change that when we moved in because at our home she would sleep in her bed just fine with no fuss/crying/fits ect. Because this has been going on sence before we moved in she will not change her habbit of sleeping with her grand parents. It use to be that Myself and my husband would put her to bed at night, then we would go to bed ourselves. When we would wake in the morning she would be in between her grand parents in her bed. Lately its gotten to the point where she does not want us to put her to bed anymore and has to have grandma do it or she will cry. When she cry's I correct her and try to reason with her and get her to sleep in there on her own, but the grand mother just pushes me aside and takes over.

Its gotten so bad now that I have noticed the past couple of weeks my husband has eairlyer days where we go to bed eairly and the grand mother insists on taking care of the child no matter if we are here or not. So we go to bed around 8-9pm and the child is still up ((She has been allowed to stay up past midnight-1am quite a few times because of her grandmother allowing her to do so)) when we head off to bed. I have gotten up a couple hours later and checked the childs room and her bed has not even been slept in at all... (((Sheets, blankets, ect have not been moved or messed up))) so this is telling me that the grand parents wait until we go to bed and then they dont even try to put her in her own bed anymore but simply tell her to get her jamies on and then when they are ready to go to bed they bring her in there with them.

My whole problem is the fact that the child sence an infant has slept alone, in her own bassanette/crib, then toddler bed which she transissoned to great, now she is in a twin size bed and did do wonderfull with... Now all of a sudden the child wants to sleep with her grand parents at night instead of her own bed and they allow her to even though myself and my husband have told them to put her in her own bed and make sure that she stays there. ((THEY DONT LISTEN TO US)) Me and my husband were told by his parents that quote "This is the way it was before you moved in, and it will still be the same way when you are living here thats just the way it is".  We can't argue to much because of fear of getting kicked out. There for the grand parents are calling the shots when it comes to the child and me nor my husband have any say in the raising of the child.

HELP????? =(

Is there anything we can do? Is this normal? Is it ok to allow the child after 4 years (infant to 4 y/o) of age to all of a sudden change and sleep with the grand parents and the grand parents allowing it even after we say it needs to change and she needs to start sleeping in her own bed?

We need professonal help and maybe it will help to read/show the answers to his parents so they may see that they are obsessing over the child and taking over like the child were theirs instead of being the grand parents and allowing us to parent her.

PLEASE PLEASE SOMEONE HELP US AND GIVE US SOME GOOD ADVICE! Thanks so much and I egerly await a reply... This has been stressing me out sence we moved in here 4 months ago.

[supermomma531]

First of all, you sound like a pretty cool lady to get into a relationship like this and then to fight so hard! Good for you. I would say that the only reason why she wants to stay home with mom is because she may be jealous of the new baby or think that she'll miss out on something. It also could be that she really likes the new baby and think that her mom can't do the job without her. You know" mommy's little helper" When did you start her into sleeping in her own bed? How recent? I also think that she remembers that she'll have to sleep by herself and she doesn't like this fact so she'll do anything possible in her control to make things stay the same as they were. But I wouldn't suggest trying to compromise with her because in a way, she'll eventually win again. Or if you do, let her know that this won't be a forever thing. If you allow the t.v., only allow it for at most, 30 mins, then lights out no matter what. This will take a while to win but if you stick to it, you'll eventually win. She has to be shown that she has to be respectful to you and her father no matter what. Maybe giving her some special stuffed toy to sleep with will help to calm her down. My own daughter who is now 10 yrs old, use to sleep in the middle of a pile of stuffed dolls and toys to the point that you could even really find her. It used to drive me nuts but if it got her to go to bed then I let her have that. But I don't believe that children should ever be allowed to have t.v's, computers or anything of this nature in their rooms. It's too distracting. Your step daughter has to be retaught how to sooth herself to sleep just like a baby would be taught.Stick to your rules and let her know what they are and make her stick to them as well. What time does she go to bed? It certainly shouldn't be past 8-9 at night but if you have to, start getting ready for bed after supper. Around 6-7ish. Whatever your routine is, just put it into place a hour or two earlier. This way, by time you're ready to go to bed, hopefully she'll be sleeping. This will definitely take some time but eventually it will work out for you. Remember that you and your husband have to be on the same page about everything! Don't let her play between you two at all. Let her know that you and her father agree on this situation and the situation is not being changed for nothing. Both of you have to talk with her at the same time to let her know that she can't play around. Give her a chance to ask questions and to be answered. This will help her to learn respect and self discipline over time. Do a sticker chart with her for her good behavior. When she earns so many stickers, then do something fun with her such as baking, or playing at the park. Or maybe let a friend have a sleep over. Watching a movie of her choice with maybe popcorn or some sort of snacks. Make it like going to the movies. Always praise her and let her know how proud you and her father are. But at the same time, let her know that her bad behavior won't be tolerated.Being consistent is the key. She also needs consequences for her actions. When she is with her grandparents, then this is when they need to be involved. Then I would hope that they would enforce some sort of rules. Remember that kids will do anything for attention whether it is good or bad attention. When she says hurtful things to you or her father, she needs to be talked to right then and there for her words. She needs to have you point out the fact of what she has done or said and made to realize how much it really does hurt your feelings. Make her accountable. When you speak to her about her actions, make her tell you what she did wrong and why she did it. Ask her why it is wrong to do what she has done or what she has said. Male her really think about the situation. I hope this helps you out a lot. Good luck. and Take care.

[TigaHotty]

Thanks for understanding where I am comming from. I think I have finally gotten through to them because grandma isn't allowing her to sleep in her bed with her anymore. But now the past couple of weekends when I go to put her to bed she throws a fit. She wants to sleep with grandma and grandma wont let her. She crys and yells/screams that she will not sleep in her own bed and yells at me that she done love me and her dad that she only loves her grandma. ((That hurts)) She does not want me to put her to bed she wants grandma to do it. Well grandma has me do it because grandma gets involved and then gives in if she crys/wines to much. Now we are having problems sleeping in her own room because they've allowed her to sleep in their bed with them to much that she dont want to sleep in her own room. Its to the point where we have to be stern and just walk out of the room and leave her in there with her tv on because we try to reason with her and talk with her but she gets so loud that I have to get louder to be heard and omg its insane! Then she's in there yelling and crying for half an hour to an hour.... By the time she is done its 11pm-12am and its exausting because of having to go to bed ourselves and dunno what else to do about her. And we also do plan to get our own place. We are working on getting up a down payment and then going for a loan and looking for a house as soon as possible. I cant stand to be here much longer. Oh and also when she got here this weekend (Friday) she didn't want to stay with us (Shes never done that before). She says that she wants to stay home with her mom with her baby brother ect.... (Her mother just had a new baby 3 weeks ago this comming monday). Is there any sugestions to try and talk to her about the fact that she is to be with us on the weekends and then durring the week she is with her mother and her new baby brother? It hurts me and I know it hurts my husband (her father) that she doesn't want to be here because she wants to be with her mother with her baby brother. What do we do about this? Its complicated and the mother of the child doesn't really talk with us on whats going on or allow us to talk to her about whats going on here and trying to work together to work with her to understand why she is to come with us on the weekends. Let me know anything would be helpfull. Thanks!

[supermomma531]

I completely agree with you on the issue of the grandparents taking over this child! They are teaching her that it is okay for her to disobey her father and mother/step mother. They only time that they should have a say is when they have her on weekends or if they are asked their opinions! I think that it is absolutely wrong of them to allow her to sleep with them all of the time. Your husband though needs to step up and say something to his parents. I do understand that you are living in their home but enough is enough! What does he say to the fact that you are ignored by the child and the grandparents? There needs to be a family meeting about how to raise this child. Everyone needs to work together. This child seems to be playing between the two sets of parents she has while being in her fathers care. She needs a set of rules to follow and consequences to follow. Maybe it is time for you and your husband to get your own place if you can afford it.  Good luck.

[TnkTink]

My daughter sleeps with her grandma also. I have no problem with it as long as she sleeps in her bed at home.

[TigaHotty]

Well its not only that its other things as well. They take over with the "Parenting" of the child. They take her all over the place, they take her camping every other weekend in the summer every summer. When me or her father say "Yes or No" to things they contridict us on it. It also is to the point where my husband doesn't have a problem with it anymore because of all the arguments he gets into with his parents for "Over parenting" over him and me. Its not that he says its ok or that it is ok to sleep with them he dont argue with them because we are in their home. But to tell you the truth it shouldn't matter if it is their home or not.... it shouldn't give them the right to tell us what to do and parent their sons child like she is their own. That would be like A childs parents move into their parents home with the child, then the grand parents of that child taking over responsibility of the child just because its their home..... How exactly does that sound logical? It doesn't.... No matter what home we are in my husband is the childs father and I am her step mother which I have been given permission from her father sence we've been together to take care of the child like she were my own. Its not right to just push us aside and take over parenting when we are more than capable to do it. And I myself can't see how people will tell me that it is "OK" for grand parents to take over parenting the grand child when the parents are capable of doing it. The 2 posts so far did not help me and i'm sorry but the 2 people that posted dont seem to understand the situation. Bottem line.... It may be the grand parents home where we moved in until we can get a place of our own again, but it is still our responcability to take care of the child. Not for the grand parents to assume responcability of the grand child just because its their home and they will let her do whatever they want her to and we are not allowed to say no in any situation even tho they are only the grand parents and us the parents.

[skepticalpeach]

I agree with 91004, I don't see the big deal. If the kiddo is comfortable sleeping with Grandma and Grandpa that's fine, especially if her daddy thinks it's ok. Just calm down and don't worry.

[91004]

If the father of the child thinks it is okay then I don't think you should argue with it. I don't think there is a problem with the child sleeping with the grandparents. It is there house my advice would be to move out of their house. Your are more likelly to cause more problems if you speak up you mite be the STEP mother but really you still have know right to decide how the child is raised especially if the father doesn't have a problem with it.