5 year old behavior unbearable

[mplsmomto2]

We have a 5 year old son who has us at our wits end.  I have read a mountain of books and he has been tested by the public school's special education department due to issues at preschool.  He is supposed to start kindergarten this Fall but I just can't imagine how his teachers will handle him.  Here are the issues:  He refuses to listen and do what he is asked to do or when he does, it is on his own terms and when he feels like doing it.  He doesn't stop doing something when asked to and spends much of his time doing whatever he can to do things to irritate us.  In school, he rarely ever helped clean up when asked and has always had a hard time with transitions.  I don't even know how to describe just how difficult he has been the past couple of years, but he is getting worse no matter what we try.  Time outs do not work, behavior/reward charts, stickers and positive reinforcements have been completely ineffective.  He understands what he needs to do to get the reward, wants the reward, but in the end he doesn't care enough about it to change his behavior.  He knows the rules of the house but doesn't want to follow our "dumb rules that he doesn't like".  He has been tested by special education and because of his social issues, he falls under the Autism Spectrum Disorder umbrella and will receive an hour a week with a special ed teacher and possible some more Occupational Therapy if they need to add it.  He is a very bright, very talkative little boy with an incredible mind.  He started reading around his 4th birthday and now having turned 5, is reading like crazy.  He picks up my parenting books and starts reading them, making suggestions about which one I should read to help him listen better.  How do you convince a child to change his behavior if he already knows the long list of things he is doing wrong but has little interest in changing it.  His constant talking and demanding attention is wearing our family down, taking attention away from our 2 year old who seems to sit on the sidelines during all the hours of arguing and time outs, canceling outings and sending him to his room instead of doing fun things.  I feel like he is ruining our summer!  The teachers in preschool spent a lot of time dealing with him and staying in touch with us, but there has been no improvement.  I really want to help him before he starts kindergarten or I am afraid that my very bright boy will be labeled a trouble student or even held back for not being socially mature enough.  Also, he invades people's personal space and his need to keep talking even when there is nothing to say leads him to make inapporpriate statements to people and the result is that he has been pushed by a few students.  I am so afraid that he will end up being bullied and picked out for his quirkiness.  I already see his self esteem suffering and it makes me sad.  I am so tired of reading books with the hope that a light bulb will go off and something will click, but I am willing to try anything at this point!

[mplsmomto2]

So much info to give and I barely scratched the surface..ugh!  So a little more details:  he spent a few months with an occupational therapist and has been diagnosed with mild SID, but like everything else, his symptoms are so mild that he doesn't truly get a diagnosis but they are just enough to make him difficult.  The special education department in our school district worked with him for a few months, doing tons of testing and had him in socialization class once a week that focused specifically on the areas where he has problems (allowing others to share ideas in play, personal space, eruptive talking, etc.)  After all of the exhaustive testing, they concluded that he was an extremely charming, friendly and intelligent little boy that needs to constantly have his mental and verbal energy channeled toward something.  It was highly recommended that he not be held back, mainly because he was reading at at least a 2nd grade level before he turned 5 and was doing some math.  Thankfully our community school is an all day kindergarten, which has a leveled reading program.  I do fear him not feeling challenged enough and not having the self control to find some way to keep himself out of trouble during those times.  His need to constantly have someone's (especially adults) attention at all times and his non-stop chatter is probably the hardest thing to deal with and the biggest emotional drain on us.  His imagination is endless, but while his brother will play with him, he keeps trying to involve us in his play.  He spends most of his day sticking things in my face and standing in front of me while he plays and his brother ends up going off on his own.

As far as when this all started, it seemed to be around the time he turned three.  He was such an easy going and compliant baby and toddler but some things became more obvious as we starting digging into it.  He never transitioned well and it would take me forever to get out the door to go anywhere.  He wouldn't help pick up toys, no matter what the incentive.  I thought it was because he was too young but now see that he seems to lack the drive to be rewarded either by stars or just pleasing others.  He always seemed to get along better with adults, carrying on conversations by the time he was two (full sentences before his first birthday).  But all the little quirks started to become amplified around the time he turned three and started preschool.  He has been assessed by an agency that specializes in autism and other LDs and they detected some SID.  His doctor and a therapist also saw that, but primarily saw a high intelligence in combination with lower emotional intelligence.  Same with the special ed department teacher, autism program director and two occupational therapists.  He has been referred to on many occasions as one of those rare kids that doesn't fit into any one category, but has just a smattering of symptoms to make him quirky.  Most people thing he is the most entertaining child to be around.  Those who have to actually deal with him on a daily basis find him exhausting.  I love that he is quirky.  He is so much like my husband!  But some of his quirks are more pronounced and harder to deal with.  We have been told to keep at it and eventually, like everything else with him, it will click.  I hope that is the case.  We give him complete structure - he knows what to expect from us at all times, knows the rules of the house and that when we say something we mean it and follow through.  I guess I am hoping that there is one book or resource out there that I have missed that will help it click in him.  More than anything, it is just nice to vent!

[specialmom]

Hi,  it is VERY frustrating when you have a child that is so tough and hard to understand.  I'm often in the same boat with my 5 year old son.  He also had issues in preschool that put us in a position of having him tested.  He has been diagnosed with sensory integration disorder.  This is an interesting neurological dysfunction that can cause great distress if bad enough in a child.  Once I learned all I could about the disorder a lot of things he does or doesn't do make sense.  This really doesn't help though when he has to function in the "real" world of school.  I'm hoping for a miracle and that school goes well for him but know that it will be a struggle for all involved.  Kids with autism (wherever on the spectrum) and ADD/ADHD often have sensory with it but a child can have sensory by itself.  Does your son have trouble knowing the volume of his voice?  Does he bump into people and things?  Does he run/jump/play with great energy?  Does he ever avoid something like washing his hands or finger painting?  Or does he love it like crazy?  When you talk to him while he is doing something and he acts like he doesn't hear a word you've said?  Does he have trouble staying in his seat?  Does he miss social cues from his peers?  Constantly interrupt?  These are all things that my son does that are sensory related.  As far as labeling my son,  well,  if it buys some understanding from his teachers and school system rather than anger----  I'm all for it.  My sons preschool teacher commented to me and the school couselor that she thought my son knew what he was doing and smirked.  The counselor promptly said that a sensory kid may realize what he has done after the fact (couldn't control impulse to not do it as his brain told his body to do it) and feel bad about it but not know how to fix it, so he just smiled out of not knowing what to do.  I expect good behavior from my kids, I do.  I'm pretty tough.  But a kid with a brain dysfunction is trying as hard as they can sometimes.  And it can look like defiance and attitude.  I read a book that said, teachers and other kids may have a difficult time loving kids like ours----  so it is our job to shower our kids with as much love as possible.  It may be their only chance.  So give him a hug, try to look at the world through his eyes, and get him evaluated by a good occupational therapist.

[Sandman2]

    Well, the classic answer (or question is) did these problem start after the birth of your new child?  If he has always been this way since birth, then something like Autism is a possibility.  If this has just began in the last two years, then its him trying to get his way.
   A truly intelligent child learns very rapidly by trail and error.  If you have not had the time to consistently follow through on punishments (natural with a new baby around), he probably has it all figured out.  I might add, that until he get enough maturity to distinguish between his needs  and the needs of others - its hard to change him.  Its possible, just takes a lot of work.   The classic book in this field is  Lynn Clarks' book SOS: Help for Parents.  Although I am not sure how much it deals with intelligent kids.
  In conclusion.  If he has always had these problems, then you probably need professional medical help.  More then just what a school can offer.
   If these problems are more recent - I would make make very sure that your school principal knows your child needs an experienced teacher.  Then let that teacher use her professional wisdom to deal with the matter.  Many times in a school situation, the teacher really has a lot more control then at home.  Keep communication open.  Try to get him involved in any kind of after school activities or day care.  If the school is able to work with him, find out what they are doing.  Good Luck!