5 year old boy doesn't play well with peers

[LAmom979]

My only son will turn 5 at the end of this month, and is an extremely sweet, intelligent, vivacious child with a rich inner world. He is very verbal and communicative, and both his father and I have a very close relationship with him. However, he doesn't seem interested in playing with other children of his age or younger. He is never "mean", but tends to ignore them when they come over, when we have playdates, or at his preschool. He retreats in his own pretend world of Starwars, running around pretending to be Darth Vader, shooting, and being generally anti-social. He doesn't seem interested in including other kids in his world--unless they are very insistent and agree to do whatever he wants them to do. In which case, he will play the "dominant" kid, set all the rules, chase and refuse to be chased, and they will run around shooting together until the other kid gets tired of being bossed around. The minute the kid wants to do something else, my son will walk away and play by himself. Ironically, he is also very sensitive and shy, unsure how to insert himself in a group of peers, and at the same time, will tend to inforce his rules, constantly correcting the other child etc. He has never "connected" with another kid, has never expressed any attachment or genuine liking to any other kid, except for much older kids--8-10yrs olds, teenagers, and adults-- with which he is very loving and talkative and interested--perhaps because they tend to humor him and go along with whatever he wants to do. I'd like to help him be more flexible and form attachments with peers. I ask him repeatedly to "be nice" to other kids--so he tries very hard not to ignore them even though he insists "they are not fun".  I'm afraid I'm making him very self-conscious and I don't want him to start thinking of himself as a "problem" kid. I also need him to understand the value of friends, of flexibility, and kindness. He'll be going to kindergarden next year, and I'm concerned he will withdraw completely. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[specialmom]

Hi, I think that is a great idea to get some things brewing for his social life.  Both of my boys did kindermusik (which is a franchised music business for kids---- google your area to find schools/ instructors and musikgarten is another one)----  It involves interaction and lots of activities around music.  Karate is another one we are looking into.  My son is doing a sports of all sorts class too with a friend from school.  Next year, cub scouts start.

I see what you are saying with regards to being his playmate yourself,  I think when you are playing with him, I'd change it up and insist on some of your rules too.  Act like you want the same light sabor color he wants and negotiate with him just so he can build this skill.

Anyway, lots of luck to you!

[LAmom979]

Hi. Thanks so much for your response. I think you made some great suggestions--I like the board game idea, especially since he's so competitive and has trouble losing.

My husband and I do get in the game a lot (and yes, I'm always Princess Lea!!), but ironically, I'm wondering if our hands-on approach is one of the things that's holding him back. Perhaps he has all the attention/ emotional support/play at home and doesn't feel the need to reach out and expand his circle; which has made we wonder about giving him some more space... then again, that could only lead to further withdrawal.

I think the combination of shyness and a perfectionist/competitive personality might be the root of all this as well.

Reading your post made me think I perhaps need to look for after-school activities that will encourage social skills more than his Montessori preschool--where the focus is on individual activities and free play.

Thanks again for your kind response.

[specialmom]

Hello,  your son and my son have a mutual love of star wars and being the boss!

Sometimes social skills don't come naturally for a child and this can be for a variety of reasons.  My son also has had to work very hard on his skills with friends----  he is also 5 and just started kindergarten.  He has the extra issue of being a child with a mild developmental delay called sensory integration/processing disorder which usually has social issues with it as do all neurological delays.  He's super smart, actually above his peers so delay has nothing to do with intelligence.  He is just wired a little different.  It became very important to HIM to have friends so we tried to make this happen.

One thing I would suggest at a playdate is that you are directly involved.  Try to get them into a board game (trouble is fun, for example).  Play these games with him one on one so he is good about taking turns and being a good sport (take turns winning with him and tell each other good game when it is over.)  Play a pretend game of star wars with him (you can be princess Lea) and try to let him make a lot of the rules of the game but you insert your ideas too.  This models what he should do with his friends.

My son also is the safety keeper of the world and will tell whoever he thinks are doing the wrong thing just that.  This is a lack of impulse control which most kids of 5 have (and my father in law- lol).  His inflexibility and rigidness are something my son also works on which has more to do with his sensory issues.  He stays in control because then he is comfortable and he does things just the way that feel good to him.  Talking about being fair and a good friend helps.

We did a summer camp just on practicing social skills.  It was with kids my sons age and he learned all kinds of valuable things.  You could look into this type of thing----  it would be run by a occupational therapy office or childrens hospital.  My son's camp had at least one child without a delay who just had trouble with friends.  (again, you wouldn't know my child was delayed at this point unless he was having a really bad day . . .)

Being withdrawn is a protective mechanism often times in a child his age.  I was painfully shy as a kid.  Pushing doesn't help all that much.  The child has to be motivated himself.  My son WANTED friends, so he is very motivated to be a good friend.  Pushing can make you self conscious.  These, too , are the self esteem years that you have to be very mindful of.  That is why I'd get directly involved.  Kids of 5 LOVE parents to play too.  When we go to the park, I get into the games and the kids all love it.  Granted many of their parents are sitting on benches looking at me like I'm nuts.  But my son is doing so much better socially now that I think I made a wise choice to be involved with that.  I don't have to be involved as much now.  

Well, good luck.  You are a good mom to want this important interaction for your son.