5 year old has behavioral problems

My 5 year old daughter has always been headstrong and willfull and sometimes defiant.  She's very bright and curious and is always coming up with cool "inventions".  However she's also very shy in social settings.  My problem is that lately her defiant behavior has gotten worse.  She argues with me constantly.  When something doesn't go her way, she stalks off and pouts.  She'll complain that nobody loves her, I don't have any friends, everyone hates my games, etc.   This chip-on-her-shoulder thing is driving me crazy!  She's so emotional she'll just run off to her room in tears saying these horrible things over and over.  I don't know what to do to help her.  Also, one other thing.  She had a friend in daycare 2 years ago.  Here lately, my daughter has been crying for that friend at night.  I'll find her in bed in tears and ask her whats wrong and she'll say "i miss callie". She hasn't seen this friend in 2 years!  I have no idea what to say.  Any thoughts?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Two things: To mange the behavioral problem, read Lynn Clark's book SOS Help for Parents and follow his method precisely in the manner he indictaes (see www.sosprograms.com). All you need to do in response to your daughter's voicing the reaction to the absence of her friend is to listen to her. That is far and away the most important response. You can offer some supportive remarks, such as: "It's hard to lose a friend'; "I can see that thinking of her makes you sad".