5-year old misbehaving

[stressedmom21]

I have a 5 year old who is very smart and has never had any trouble with school. He started Kindergarten this year and they have a grading system of green to red dots. Green dot means good and red dot means bad. Well, for the past month he has come home with a yellow dot, which is bad, but not really bad, at least 2-3 times a week. He does not hit or throw things or throw temper tantrums. He just will not listen to the teacher. He just will not be quiet when told, he will not finish his work, even though I know he can do it. He would just rather sit around and stare at the wall. I have taken away cartoons, toys, and every other privilage I can think of. He's on a football team and I have even taken that away and he still comes home with the yellow dots. He mainly gets the yellow dots due to talking. I am just so frustrated with it. My husband is his step-father and we don't agree with the same discipline tactics, so it makes it that much harder. I have had multiple suggestions as to why he does it. I've had people say that maybe he is bored because he is so smart, or maybe it's the teacher. He is very smart and his teacher is very structured. I have tried everything I could possibly think of. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[mathrice]

Throw a crayon...pull a stick (or a sticker)
Hurt a child...get a spanking at home and lose all fun & games.  Period.
In other words...again in agreement with teko..."pick your battles".

Sometimes teacher needs a push to inform you about the positive too.  I'm finding this important with my Nephew.

Mom & Dad must be consistant AND involved! (big deal! HUGE deal!)

Good Luck :-)


              

[RockRose]

stressedmom,  when you say he just will not be quiet,  and he gets the yellow dots due to talking,  are you saying he's sitting with his buddies and chatting?  Or is he back-talking his teacher or yelling across the room?

If he's chit chatting with his friends,  he'll learn not to do that,  and what a sweet thing to be doing.  I know it's disruptive,  and it has to be curbed, but on a scale of 1 - 10 misbehaviors,  this is a 1.  

Has he ever gotten a red?   If not,  the fact that he keeps having yellows,  and not reds,  sounds to me like a gentle warning.  He's still so young.

I'm not sure I would have taken away his sports.  Boys kind of need that outlet.

Maybe you should talk to the teacher and get some ideas?  My guess is,  she sees this as a behavior that he needs to learn not to do,  but on the grand scale,  a chatty friendly child is not a huge concern - it's just something he needs to learn not to do.

Best wishes.

[DustyL]

WOAH... #1 DO NOT PUNISH HIM AT HOME FOR HIS ACTIONS IN SCHOOL (not kindergarden anyways!!!!) Talking and discussing it, Now thats ok!!!

#2 although you don't want to see the yellow dots, they are NOT red dots!!!! Remember that. Tell him good job for not getting a red dot, but maybe tomorrow lets work on a green dot!! (and if he does do it, REWARD HIM, PRAISE HIM, CALL EVERYONE AND ANYONE AND TELL THEM!!!)

if he brings home another yellow dot, simple re-state good job for not getting a red dot, but you can't wait for him to bring home a green dot!! right before school tell him your looking forward to the green dot he's going to bring home today!!! Get him excited about getting a green dot and like I said when he does finally do it REWARD HIM, PRAISE HIM, CALL EVERYONE AND ANYONE AND TELL THEM!!!

if there's one thing I learned, it's DO NOT punish for things you can't see. you don't know to what extent the teacher gives him a yellow dot. for all you know EVERY kid in class could be receiving yellow dots. Just keep pushing for the green one and stress how much you can't wait for him to get one. maybe restating what he has to do to get a green one. Open discussions are welcome, but like i said, don't punish him for things you can't see!!!!!

[stressedmom21]

The main reason why he is even being punished at home is because the teacher is making a huge deal out of this. There are 3 in the class room that get yellow dots on a daily basis and my son is one(with the ocassional blue dot, which is 1 step away from red!!) He's not disrespective(to my knowledge) to the teacher, he just likes to chat with everyone and he doesn't want to do his work. Which I also think is a great quality that he's mr social, but my husband has helped me realize that it's the fact that he's not listening and not following directions like he's supposed to and it will only get worse if it is not corrected now. At first I didn't really think much about it. I would lecture him and explain to him that school is for learning and I would explain to him what he needs to do to get the green dot and that he will get treats for being good(ice cream, candy, toys). He does get many treats when he gets the green dot and we do call everyone(grandparents) and tell them how good he was and that he was going to get another green dot tomorrow. I encourage him every morning before school to do his best to get the green dot. I do understand that when a child is good you give him many praises and when he's bad you punish him. My main concern is that he is a lot like his biological father, and I do not want him to grow up to be like him. His father is not even in the picture, because of his bad choices(I'll leave it at that). He is mainly being punished because we have told him what he needs to do to get a green dot and he continues to do what we say not to do. It is a lot harder to punish him so long after it happens, but if I do nothing, then he will think that it's ok to continue to disobey the teacher. I try to keep in contact with his teacher as much as possible. We both figured at first that it will just take time for him to adjust to the new atmosphere. It's been 2 months and we're still having the same problem. I'm just out of ideas. I just don't understand why he keeps doing it, when he knows that he's going to be punished.

[RockRose]

Hmmm.  Have you asked him for his input on how to solve the problem?  Sometimes,  they come up with odd answers,  but just having him invested in the solution sometimes works.

Can you sit down with him and ask him to come up with 3 things that you'll support him doing?  (Like,  you could suggest packing his lunch with a special note and treat reminder,  or less sugar,  etc.)  He could do 50 jumping jacks before school and 25 at recess to remove his excess energy,  he could call his friends to talk on the phone after school,  etc,  The ideas may sound half-baked,  but they're his ideas,  and investing him in the process gives him power.

  In my experience,  it DOES get better as the work gets harder,  and then later when they are able to switch from class to class in middle and high school,  it gets MUCH better.

Best wishes.

[stressedmom21]

I have asked him why he keeps doing it, so we can fix the problem together, because he's always been very honest with me, but of course all he says is, he doesn't know why he keeps doing it. But I haven't thought of asking him to come up with a solution. Of course he always asks if he can help come up with the punishment : ). I've just been telling him what to do. I think that doing jumping jacks and calling the friends after school is a great idea!!

thank you

[stressedmom21]

I have great news!! My son came home with GREEN today!! I lightened up a little on his punishment this past weekend and it seemed to have a positive affect on him. We're hoping for another good day tomorrow!!!

[mkkanne]

your son.. sounds excatally like my son.  He is 5 yrs old .. he is in Primary ( we live in NS, Canada ) maybe a little different school system.  My son does not disrepect his teacher .. or hurt other children.  He just refuses to listen at times, makes obnoxious noises in class, refuses to be part of story time etc... I have no idea what to do with him.. i feel like a horrible parent that i can not control his behaviour.  These problems all stemmed from moving to a different city about 2 yrs ago.  He was spending time with (sorry to say this) a horrible little boy that spit on kids and hit kids and said bad words.. my son looked up to him bc he was 2 yrs older then my son.  Anywho... I could probably go on and on about bad influences on my son and can honestly say they aren't from an inhome problem.  My husband is not my son's biological father.. however he does treat him like his own child.. but does not agree with my punishments.. he thinks i am too easy on him.. so i toughened up and I believe things got worse at home and in school..   i feel your pain.. Congrats on the green dot!

[momagain59]

There are some teachers that wouldn't be happy no matter what. Does he like his teacher?  Is he bored? My oldest son had a K teacher that was so boring that I had a hard time paying attention during the teacher's meeting twice a year. How did you know that there are 3 children getting yellow dots? Please tell me that this isn't a chart on the wall for all to see.

[Memamom]

Hi,  I need to put some input on this subject as I am a mom of a 5 year old girl who had and has similar issues and I am an elementary teacher.  Ok, first put the kid back into sports....that is coming from the mom and the teacher in me.  Lets look at the situation of school for a second and ask ourselves what it is that we expect these children to do.  We give them freedom to make decisions at home, in the evenings and on the weekends for what they want to play, who they want to play with, what they want to eat and even sometimes when and where they want to do these things...and then all stop Monday is here.  We take these 5, 6, 7, 8 and sometimes older children and tell them everything they must do, when, where to what extent and they must do it now.  They are expected to wake up early in the morning and then sit and listen without falling asleep to lessons, directions, instructions and other students.  They work so very hard to do this but they are children and teachers need to remember this as well as parents.

When my daughter started coming home with yellow lights we thought the world had ended but when we realized that she was getting in trouble for typical 4 and 5 year old behavior we relaxed a bit.  

I think that it is important to focus on what the misbehavior is and if it is simply chit chatting with friends then just reinforce an appropriate time to do this and encourage the green dots.  As far as removing the sports I think that is drastic.  This is a small child that you are dealing with and he will eventually learn impulse control with proper guidance from home (which he no doubt already receives).  I wonder why the teacher is giving a yellow light for something so minor.  Have you suggested to her that maybe your child is bored and needs some extra work or something a little more challenging.

I am glad to see that a little easing up and reward system has helped just keep it up and talk to the teacher about giving more challenging work.

Good Luck!!!

Memamom

[stressedmom21]

I haven't written in a while. We just started to get back into our daily routine. I am a mother of another new baby boy. He just reached 3 months old. Thank you for your comments. I did take advice from all of you and it worked!! Unfortunately, my son has started to misbehave again. I had to go into the hospital at 71/2 months because I had pre-eclampsia and I had to be on bed rest until the baby was born, so after a couple of weeks of mommy being gone, he started getting yellow dots again. It has now escalated to blue and red dots, which are much worse. One week he had 3 blue dots and 2 yellow. The teacher is becoming more and more agitated with him. I keep reassuring her that we are just getting back into our routine and he will gradually get better, but she has increased his punishment at school. He will now go to a different class room or have silent lunch for the entire week. He's basically doing the same as before. He is talking in class and he is not doing his work. He will literally stare around the room for 30 minutes while the other kids are doing their work. I am trying to stay patient with her and him, but it will take time and I believe that now that mommy's back things will get better.

[stressedmom21]

To your question: yes they do display the dots on the wall in the class room and no he does not like his teacher. I cannot convince his teacher that he might be bored with the work because he won't even do the work he's given, but she did tell me that if he would just do his work he could be reading on a 1st grade level, so apparently she sees his potential.

[stressedmom21]

Thank you for your input. I no longer take away his sports. He is just punished by doing extra homework in the evening and having limited or no tv time depending how bad it was that day. But mostly yeah it is just normal 5 year old behavior. I believe that next year if he gets a teacher he can better connect with, then we probably won't have this problem as much as we do now.

thank you

[whodat]

The teacher needs to jump on your son ONLY when he does a good thing. The second he is NOT talking to the other kids - She should be telling him how great and responsible he is acting toward the other children. Ignore the times when he is talking. Then the second he stops talking with the other kids on his own. Boom! She steps in and tells him how appreciative she is that he is listening and allowing the other kids to learn too. It's called Nurtured Heart and it is very challenging to learn because it goes against everything we do as a society. We call out the bad (which reinforces the negative behavior) rather than creating excitement and rewarding the good that kids do (because we expect them to be that way). Do a search and look around, it can be a very powerful way to change behavior quickly and permanently.