5 year-old refuses to deficate on potty only at school

[Jacques1]

I have a son who has never pooped on the school potty.  He has been in the same expensive private school for nearly 2 years -- small class size (14 kids with the same 2 teachers for both years) and he is in aftercare, which he really likes from 3-5 p.m.  He finally began pooping on other potties in Sept 04 and now will do that any place but his school.  My husband and I have seen a psychologist and followed through with suggestions -- he has recently been required to clean himself at school when he has an accident in his pants.  He also sits on the potty at school 2x's a day (this he has done for several months now at his pediatrician's suggestion).  At the psychologist's suggesion, I have asked my son if another bathroom would suit him or another teacher in the school could accompany him or if perhaps now that he is cleaning himself up, he would prefer not to sit 2x's a day.  He is happy with the current bathroom, teacher and the 2 sits a day.  My son says it makes him "sad" to clean himself and I have noticed that he does not like anything "sad" -- we skip pages in books or movies that are "sad".  We also tried incentives and he does not want to change the incentive we have for him, which is a swim goggle and snorkle, which has sat at his school all year.
My son is somewhat sensitive, but not shy.  He is one to hug and dote on his friends and really does not like when he is teased.  Kids in his class do not tease him, although some of the grade schoolers do.  He is extremely active -- started walking at 9 months.  His teachers do not find him a discipline problem.  His listening skills need work, but he actually works on them -- he is a pleaser.  Although not an aggressive child, he has bitten two children -- once the week we instituted the 2-sit a day policy and the second time when we required that he clean himself.  My son is not spoiled, he has a fairly good schedule regarding sleep (great sleeper), eating well, and other home issues.  He is a fairly cooperative child -- normal development.  He has a lot of love.  The school's aftercare wants to drop him and have me come pick him up at 3 p.m.  I obviously cannot do this long term since I work and think that even if we did institute this with myself or a babysitter, it would re-inforcing his refusal to use the school potty.  I want the school to just let my son clean himself if he has an accident.  Any advice is appreciated.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

To be frank, you are doing the sensible things, and I really don't have any very different idea to offer you. Don't be surprised if your son does not adapt to using the potty at school. There are always a number of children who do not tend to use the potty at school, and this preference often persists throughout their school days. Now, once the child is able to control their bowels successfully, it really isn't much of a problem at all. Right now, the problem isn't actualy that your son won't use the potty, it's that he can't yet control his bowel movements to the degree that is necessary if he is not going to use the potty. The 'mandatory' periods of sitting are a good idea - keep that up. One of the humbling realities of parenting is that we cannot alwys determine the outcome that we desire. All we can do is our best.