5-year old separation anxiety and anger

[Franche26]

Hi,
Last year my daughter started having some temper tantrums at daycare. She will start throwing rocks while playing outside and after telling her "stop" she started her tantrum. Her dad was deployed on August 2005. Grandma came to visit in October 2005. We moved to our house in October 2005. Her sister was born on November 2005. Daddy came for 2 weeks in May 2006. School (pre-K) started on August 2006. Grandma went back home in September 2006. Daddy came back home in October 2006. She will follow directions from daddy. She started having problems in school (throwing things, kicking, spitting). She was suspended from school for a day (Pre-K). She was having the same behaviour at the after school daycare (throwing things, kicking, spitting, hitting). She will start her thing and "call for daddy". As soon as daddy got there, she will be quiet and stop her misbehaving. ADD and ADHD was ruled out since this behaviour is not at home, grandma or relatives house, just school and daycare. She was referred to a child pschicologist. No more follow up was needed. Back to daycare...2 hours later she was being picked up for another outburst. Back to the doctor no ADD or ADHD or anything needing medication. She has been sent back to psichologist. Magnesium and Omega 3. No TV. No Bday party. No going outside. I am tired. I don't know what else to do. How can I understand what's wrong with her or what's going on?
Please, I need some advise.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The pattern you describe is significant for the multiple losses and transitions your daughter has experienced at a very young age, at a time when development (including socialization to school) demands stability and consistency. It's clear that your daughter feels vulnerable when away from home, and this vulnerability is evident in her aggressive, disorganized behavior. Going forward, it will be critical that she stay in school and that, when she behaves in the ways you describe, she is disciplined at school and not sent home. If the behavior is 'rewarded' by her being reunited with the family, it will only reinforce the very thing you want to stop. It is also important for her to be in weekly, not occasional, therapy. But the critical aspect of her treatment will be the manner in which the behavior is managed.

[Franche26]

I understand your point of sending her home is a reward for acting up. If she could stay in daycare after her tantrums, I don't have a problem with that because it will teach her there are rules and rules need to be followed. But I also understand the point of view of the daycare: a child is acting up hitting others, so they try to protect the other children. I would not like my child to  be hit or spit by other child. As a therapy, I hope she could go weekly and not every 2 weeks when she stats going to the pschicologist again.

[3rdchild]

Hi, I believe I posted to this question on the other behavioral forum.  I'm not the expert...just a parent with a child with behavioral issues.  The psychologist is the best way to go.  My 6 yr. old son was asked to leave 2 programs because of his behavior.  One of the programs was even in a therapeutic group setting, they just weren't (obviously) trained in dealing with this type of behavior.  They were more worried about another child getting hurt.  Of course, nobody wants their child getting hurt at school, I don't blame them.   There are lots of people that specialize in behavior....there are schools and maybe you could find a daycare that will handle this type of behavior.  You should interview another daycare center and see what they can handle.  
I would talk with the psychologist before making any changes in your child's life at this point.
Hope you don't mind me butting in again!
One more thing, if your child is going to Kindergarten in the public school and there is any type of problem they may suggest an evaluation that they would pay for.  Then they would supply you with additional help....maybe the school has a behaviorist on staff they could write up a behavior plan for you....etc.