5 year old still going in his pants

[misme]

My grandson will be 6 in a coulpe months he is in kinedgarden, I
am very concerned about the scoial presure he is experenice with his peers.He still contiunes to wet and soil his pants, is this normal? His Mother took him to a doctor and they said it was not medical so she took him to a child theristy he only seen this lady a couple times because they decided he wasnt talking to her.
Now his mother and her boyfriend has decided they are going to handle it on there own, such as telling my grandson that they will not buy him any more underwear and telling him he can not change his underwear after he goes in them.I have seen him hide from them and anyone else after going in his pants he is very ashamed.At one point my daughter (his mother) started a sticker chart for him to reward him for every time he went in the bathroom it seemed to work for a while, but when i asked last if she was still doing it she said no that he ( my grandson) started going back in his pants so no she was not going to use it. Please help i'm so worried about his self steem.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You have every reason to be worried; his behavior is not at all normal. However, it is very treatable. It requires that the parents stop acting in such a punitive fashion and open themselves to some sensible guidance and input. Yes, it makes sense to involve a therapist, but it is unlikely that face to face time with the therapist will help the boy. Rather, the parents should be meeting with the therapist to figure out a sensible behavioral approach. At the very least, the boy's parents are misguided. It may even be that their negative and punitive approach is contributing to the problem.

[rusalka]

How does the kindergaten handle it? Normally we just change the child if it is an accident but if the child is old enough and it wasn't an accident we ask the child to clean themselves up with supervision and talk to them about how it is normal for everyone to poop and wee, even mum and dad.  They laugh and say really!  We also discuss bacteria good and bad and that we can't help because of that.  There is a great book called. Everybody poos by Taro Gomi ISBN 0-7115-2046-8 Kane/Miller book publishers have the copyright. printed in Singapore. We have one child lazy in that area and just doesn't like the toilet bowl. It scares him. But we have talked to him, read the book and made it a game. He now goes there freely and is proud of it. It took a year.  Punishment doesn't work so well. As 6 year olds are well alert. Ask him what would happen if you pooped your pants? Would he be happy? I think it would definately surprise him and get the ball rolling. Tell him he doesn't need to hide he is not in trouble these things happen but he will have to clean it up and that it is easier to flush. Also if he has fear of the toilet at school. He can be regulated to be a morning boy or an evening boy so he doesn't have to poop there. Is he too busy and forgets to go? School and play can do that. He may need reminders in his lunch box. Also something may have changed at home or school that has upset him. The path to the toilet etc. Anyway these are some of my ideas. good luck!

[ehoberg]

If a kid is still going in his pants at five, look at the social situation.   You mentioned "his mother and her boyfriend" already I can see there is instability in the house.  That spells out major instability in the kid's life.  He has to compete with a boyfriend and the boyfriend definitely competes with the boy.  That boyfriend comes first, I would bet on it.  The mother probably lets the boyfriend discipline the boy.  Absolutely wrong to do.  It's not the same situation as with a father.  I personally feel that if a woman is single, unless she is absolutely committed to a relationship, should not have a string of boyfriends in a kid's life.  

It's one thing for him to be wetting himself but to be also soiling himself, that's a major psychological sign.  Dr. Laura Nathanson in her book The Portable Pediatrician writes about it.

Threatening the kid only makes more anxiety.  How about spending positive time with the child?  Sounds like he needs major one-on-one.  Unfortunately, people get resentful when this is suggested and that kind of says it all about why this kid is having this kind of problem.

[ryans mum]

Hiya,

Sorry to hear about your Grandson. However, after reading some of the comments I felt the need to comment. I am sure you are not the kind of parent who is judgemental you are just looking for answers like the rest of us.

Our family are having a nightmare experience with my six year old son behaviour and soiling his pants. What hasn't helped is well meaning advice aimed at modification of a lifestyle choice I made and others don't agree with. Mine was simply that I wanted to go out to work.

Regardless of whether you agree with your daughters choices or not I am sure that you will support her in all her decisions regardless of whether you agree with them. The buck stops with her and she must be feeling so much pain.

[Dunelm]

A related discussion, 6yr old pooing his pants was started.

[Dervla]

A related discussion, 5 year old soiling his pance was started.