5 year old with Low Self Esteem HELP ME

[BreesMom]

My daughter recently attended a daycare where the kids were 98% white. She is mixed white/black. The kids there would say things to her such as "don't touch me I am allergic to brown skin" and "only the white kids can play with my toys" among many other hurtful things. Now she keeps telling me that she doesn't like herself or people with brown skin. She wants to dye her hair and skin blond! REMEMBER SHE IS ONLY 5! She is constantly complimented by adults on her beauty but gets upset when they do it. She feels that she is ugly. I am completely at a loss. She is smart, kind, funny and all of the things any child should be, but she is constantly second guessing herself. I am not with her father and he has not been a large part of her life, but when she comes home from his house she tells me that she does not like his family because they have brown skin. My father has been a very good fatherly figure and male role model in her life so I don't think it is single parent syndrome and in her life she has been around many black people, when I date, I date black men, white men, blue men....whatever. She knows that people come in all different colors shapes and sizes. She has never been abused or unloved. I have tried to explain to her in so many different ways that she is loved and beautiful but her response is always negative. Whenever another child doesn't respond to her in a positive way now, she assumes it is because she is "brown". Though I would love to hear that she will grow out of this, I really need to find some kind of way to resolve this. Please recommend something! She will be starting kindergarten in a few weeks...should I make the teachers aware of her low self esteem or should I wait it out and see how the children respond to her?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It would be very reasonable to let the events unfold without any advanced notice to her teacher. It is likely that her perception will change as a result of having positive encounters with peers. Try not to go too much out of your way to reassure her - this would only serve to increase her self doubts. If she mentions negative self-perceptions, draw her out. Ask her to elaborate on what she is saying. The greatest benefit she will reciece from you isn't so much the reassurance as the experience of telling you about her perceptions.

[BreesMom]

If I ignore this issue, couldn't it have lasting effects, such as promiscuity at a young age, under-achievement, drug and alcohol abuse at a young age....etc. Are there any confidence boosting strategies? This has continued on for close to a year now and I am really concerned. Should I consider therapy or a child psychologist? It really breaks my heart when she tells me that she doesn't like her self.

[lmroswell]

Kids want to fit in with other kids.  The remarks made to her by the others, after time and again, have probably made her feel like she wants to be like them.  That there is something wrong with her.  I would insist that the teachers not allow such comments.  It could be construed as another form of bullying.  It should simply not be allowed as conversation, in my opinion, and the teachers need to monitor that.  Take her to a library, pick out some children's books.  Books with white, black, any race with kids.  Explain to her that she is a unique and beautiful individual, and that skin color doesn't matter.  Buy her some nail polish.  Paint her nails.  She'll love that.  It's too bad that adults allow such comments to be made.  Our kids play with everyone and I've always encouraged them to be polite and think of other's feelings.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

I'm not suggesting that you ignore the issue at all. Rather, I'm suggesting you handle it by displaying an empathic, understanding response, and this conveys how important she is to you. If you happen to be aware of any particular problematic behaviors of peers, chiefly any that occur in school, of course you can call those to the attention of the school personnel. I am suggesting that, at this point, there does not appear to be a need for therapy. Your fears regarding the future are out of proportion to what is occurring. If you look that far down the road, and imagine all sorts of catastrophes, it's only going to make it hard for you to be focused on the here-and-now in a reasonable way.

[BreesMom]

Thank you. I sincerely appreciate all of the help. I did want to say that I tried everything in my power to stop these occurences at her school, from talking to the teachers, principal and other parents, as well as suggesting lessons about differences, but was unsuccessful. I did eventually put her in another school.