5 year old won't sleep in own room

[rmbweeboo]

My 5-year-old daughter will not sleep in her own room. She has had sleep issues from day one: not wanting to go to sleep without me in her room, etc. She had made great strides and was sleeping in her bed most of the time, but recently she has refused to. She usually sleeps on our floor next to the our bed. When asked why she won't sleep in her own room, she says she doesn't know how. I am at my wits end to help her through this.
ANy advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

If you're going to solve this it will require that you 'bite the bullet' and set a firm limit and stick to it. Your daughter will sleep in her own room when you are resolved that this will occur. So, be sensitive and patient about the matter, but do not allow room for any other alternative. She's sleeping in your room because you permit this, and you'll have to adopt a different approach. If you haven't already done so, consult Ferber's muchcited book on this topic for some practical suggestions about how to put the plan I'm suggesting in motion. Be strong and show resolve, and things will be fine.

[ali41]

I have a ten year old daughter that sleeps in our room with us on a mattress on the floor next to our bed.  She has been doing this for a year!  I have been told that she does need some kind of counselling.  I have been hoping that she would grow out of it.  We have tried bribes, having friends over, sharing a room with her younger brother but nothing really helps.  My daughter has very bad panic attacks if made to sleep on her own.  I have tried everything  so I don't try to force the issue anymore.  My daughter now listens to a cd on a walkman (relaxation cd for kids) which does help a bit.  But thats just to get her to sleep in our room.  I don't really have much advice but just try to keep calm and keep in mind that it won't be forever!  When I am at my wits end I just think that at least she's healthy and happy during the day!  I find this site very useful.

[rmbweeboo]

Thanks for your reply. I know "this too shall pass". I've never heard of an 18 year old sleeping on her parent's floor.

Thanks for the encouragement!

[ali41]

I am the mother of the ten year old daughter that won't sleep in her own room also.  I hear what the doctor is saying but what if I can't get her to sleep in her own room however firm and patient I am.  I tried this and my daughter just clings to the door frame and starts spitting and kicking and screaming.  She also runs away.  She has massive panic attacks and in the morning can't remember much about them.  That is why we resorted to her sleeping in our room, it is less hassle for everyone  and we are not all worn out in the morning.  However saying all this we have spoken about getting help for her now and she has acnowledged the fact that she needs it.  I really do not want to resort to medication though.  It is very easy for other people to say what you should and shouldn't be doing, like doctors, but they can take a back seat.  I have a very supportive husband and also support from some friends.  One friend said that you don't want her growing up to be an unhappy adult by creating anxiety for her now.  Hopefully some counselling will help.
Keep in touch!

[Sjt405]

I have a 5 year old son who winds up in my bed every night in the middle of the night. He also wants me to lay down with him until he falls asleep, but i say no, and he freaks. He tells me he's scared that there are monsters or ghosts in his room, but he knows that there is not, and he says, but what if there is? He has also been having a problem with wetting the bed alot lately... What could be going on? Im stumped...

[anicka]

I am glad I read this article I have 2 friends with 2 year olds who also lay down with them till they go to sleep. I have been trying to tell them to stop now and that it is not that bad to get over this. Most kids will overcome this in a week. Its just hard to listen to them cry but you have to be firm. I will tell them about these articles maybe this will get them to stop.

[ali41]

I think it would be easier to stop at 2 years rather than later.  Try going out of the room for ten to 15 minutes to make a cup of tea and check in later rather than going cold turkey!  During that time they may possibly fall asleep.  At the age of ten like my daughter I think there is no other course other than professional help.  Also bribes help a bit when the kids are younger.  Also you have to explain during the day about what will be happening that night.  Although my daughter sleeps in our room with us now it wasn't always like that, but my husband and I have decided that if it means her getting a good night's sleep rather than staying awake half the night then its better she sleeps with us.  Good luck everyone who has trouble with kids at night I really sympathise, please don't feel useless because its not your fault.  I have finally learnt that over the years as I have a 7 year old son who is treated no differently and sleeps through the night.

[ali41]

I think it would be easier to stop at 2 years rather than later.  Try going out of the room for ten to 15 minutes to make a cup of tea and check in later rather than going cold turkey!  During that time they may possibly fall asleep.  At the age of ten like my daughter I think there is no other course other than professional help.  Also bribes help a bit when the kids are younger.  Also you have to explain during the day about what will be happening that night.  Although my daughter sleeps in our room with us now it wasn't always like that, but my husband and I have decided that if it means her getting a good night's sleep rather than staying awake half the night then its better she sleeps with us.  Good luck everyone who has trouble with kids at night I really sympathise, please don't feel useless because its not your fault.  I have finally learnt that over the years as I have a 7 year old son who is treated no differently and sleeps through the night.

[Mrs. T]

You need to address this issue immediately! Let the child know early in the day that they will be sleeping in their room tonight. Later, when it is time for bed, and they are tucked in, tell them you will be back in five minutes to check on them. Keep to your word. Then, after you have checked on them, tell them "your doing real good" with confidence in your tone, and let them know you'll be back in five minutes to check on them. Keep doing this until they have fallen asleep. By day three, move the time to ten minutes, day six, fifteen minutes. I wouldn't go past that time period ever. Children have a short attention span. Sometimes they will get up and complain in one way or another. It's hard but do not address their issues. Instead, tell them "I understand, but we are doing something different tonight, and I need your help. I can't check on you when I said if you are not in bed." Walk them back, tuck them in, and reassuringly, but keep it short, let them know that you will be back in to check on her/him in five minutes. Say the "I love you"s" and leave. But you must keep your end of the bargan and be back in that room in five minutes. I have noticed this tactic to work. It gives her confidence, and a sense that she's apart of something. Every now and then it'll happen again, but we just do our thing, and she does great!

[ali41]

Many thanks for this and I will give it a try.  Although now I think my daughter needs some kind of counselling for behaviour modification as we have tried something like this before.  What do I do if she has a panic attack like in the past and hangs onto the door frame and refuses to budge and starts screaming?  Also on the rare occasions that she has fallen asleep in her own bed she wakes  in the night and comes into my room and I am just too tired to take her back.  I know half the problem is my fault for being too lenient.   Anyway will keep trying.

[lovingmom]

hi,ive been thru this one! for 10yrs, all i can say is love,patience and understanding is the key.in todays world who wouldnt be afraid that some bad person might come get them! i did alot of talking and listening,finally walkie talkies,and a baby moniter has made her feel secure enough to sleep in her own bed ,and we are all getting a good-night sleep! oh and i was told by her pediatrician that i was harming her self-confidence,trust me shes an a/b student,very athletic,a social butterfly,and extremely a young confident healthy girl,whom i'm very proud of ! PS NO MORE ELECTRONICS AFTER 2MOS NOW

[ali41]

Many thanks for this,  you are the first person who seems to really understand and know what its like.  I would like to be firm but when I see the distress and anxiety that it produces I give in.  My daughter has just started to have sleepovers again  and also starting off in her own bed, just for a couple of hours though but still its a small step.  She tends to come into our room in her sleep now though and doesn't remember getting up.   Thanks again!

[lillysmom1008]

A related discussion, 5 year old won't lay down AT ALL was started.