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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
5 yr old boy expectations
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
5 yr old boy expectations
by sjnacasale, Jul 24, 2006 12:00AM
Wife and myself to some degree is concerned about our 5 yr old boy. This is his first summer after finishing kindergarten. His first year of school, he fully adjusted, got along well with other children and achieved good grades on his report cards throughout the year. He is a good boy that is extremely social and intelligent.
With that being said, we suspect he may have a confidence problem and can’t understand why? Without any force what so ever, in the last two years we have been introducing him to as many activities we can, soccer, gymnastics, baseball wrestling. Basically, anything he wanted to sign up for. When participating in these activities, he usually does not try very hard to succeed, it’s almost like he just gives up on a challenge. As parents we are not concerned with him winning, but we are concerned about him trying as hard as he can. We are also watchful of his coaches putting any unnecessary pressure on him to “win” and have not found any problem coaches. We try and explain to him that mom and dad just want him to try as hard as he can, if you win, great, if not that is great too as long as you tried your best.
The management of all these activities seem not to help and just blurry the lines as everyone gets a trophy at the end of the season regardless of how hard the child tried. This is something our son looks forward to for every activity…the trophy. Again, can’t understand this as we do praise him throughout the year.
We can accept if our son is not an athlete, my wife and I were not and have no reason to push him into being one. We do however want to ingrain in him how important it is to try as hard as you can at everything you do regardless of winning.
This summer we enrolled him in ˝ day camp. We placed him with the 6-7-8 yr old class since we felt he will be 6 in September he should fine. After the 2nd week, he started to complain of a head ach, neck ach…and how he couldn’t go back to camp. We immediately suspected something wasn’t going well with the class and camp and he didn’t really have a physical problem. We kept him home for a day and took him into his pediatrician to rule out any physical problems in case we were off mark. He was fine physically, so we asked him if he wanted to go into the 3-4-5 yr old class at camp. He did and has been fine ever since.
This week of camp, he wanted to enroll in flag football. Today was his first day. The camp counselor said he wasn’t really participating and just sat on the sidelines and complained of a sore throat. The camp counselor asked if he wanted to go inside with the 3-4-5 yr old class and he did, played with the other kids and has been fine the rest of the day. We suspect he may be intimidated by the older kids that may have been in flag football camp.
Reading is another issue. He did very well learning basic reading words in kindergarten. As parents we were very impressed. We read to him each night before bed for at least 15 minutes. We set up a summer reading program to keep him up to speed for when he goes into 1st grade this fall. We went to the library and took out the suggested summer reading books from the list his school supplied us. Some of these books are the 1st grade level and a bit over his head, however….again, we just want him to try his best to read (this is always with mom or dads assistance) he just doesn’t want to do it.
Why does he keep backing down? Are we expecting too much? Is he too young? Are we putting pressure on him and not realizing it? Is this a confidence problem, do we have the ability to improve it. Should we just relax and give him time…grow up?
With that being said, we suspect he may have a confidence problem and can’t understand why? Without any force what so ever, in the last two years we have been introducing him to as many activities we can, soccer, gymnastics, baseball wrestling. Basically, anything he wanted to sign up for. When participating in these activities, he usually does not try very hard to succeed, it’s almost like he just gives up on a challenge. As parents we are not concerned with him winning, but we are concerned about him trying as hard as he can. We are also watchful of his coaches putting any unnecessary pressure on him to “win” and have not found any problem coaches. We try and explain to him that mom and dad just want him to try as hard as he can, if you win, great, if not that is great too as long as you tried your best.
The management of all these activities seem not to help and just blurry the lines as everyone gets a trophy at the end of the season regardless of how hard the child tried. This is something our son looks forward to for every activity…the trophy. Again, can’t understand this as we do praise him throughout the year.
We can accept if our son is not an athlete, my wife and I were not and have no reason to push him into being one. We do however want to ingrain in him how important it is to try as hard as you can at everything you do regardless of winning.
This summer we enrolled him in ˝ day camp. We placed him with the 6-7-8 yr old class since we felt he will be 6 in September he should fine. After the 2nd week, he started to complain of a head ach, neck ach…and how he couldn’t go back to camp. We immediately suspected something wasn’t going well with the class and camp and he didn’t really have a physical problem. We kept him home for a day and took him into his pediatrician to rule out any physical problems in case we were off mark. He was fine physically, so we asked him if he wanted to go into the 3-4-5 yr old class at camp. He did and has been fine ever since.
This week of camp, he wanted to enroll in flag football. Today was his first day. The camp counselor said he wasn’t really participating and just sat on the sidelines and complained of a sore throat. The camp counselor asked if he wanted to go inside with the 3-4-5 yr old class and he did, played with the other kids and has been fine the rest of the day. We suspect he may be intimidated by the older kids that may have been in flag football camp.
Reading is another issue. He did very well learning basic reading words in kindergarten. As parents we were very impressed. We read to him each night before bed for at least 15 minutes. We set up a summer reading program to keep him up to speed for when he goes into 1st grade this fall. We went to the library and took out the suggested summer reading books from the list his school supplied us. Some of these books are the 1st grade level and a bit over his head, however….again, we just want him to try his best to read (this is always with mom or dads assistance) he just doesn’t want to do it.
Why does he keep backing down? Are we expecting too much? Is he too young? Are we putting pressure on him and not realizing it? Is this a confidence problem, do we have the ability to improve it. Should we just relax and give him time…grow up?
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Jul 25, 2006 12:00AM
, Jul 25, 2006 12:00AM
Yes, without intending to you are expecting too much of him. Your unwitting message to him is: "You're not functioning in the way we want you to." In that sense, your espoused approach to rearing him is diverging somewhat from your actual expectations. At this young age, one or two years presents a major developmental difference. You saw the impact of that in his camp particpation. There was nothing wrong with him - he was simply grouped inappropriately. He is actually doing fine. Take pleasure in what a delight he is and you won't go wrong.
Member Comments (2)
by siren of the sea, Jul 25, 2006 12:00AM
hi. my son just turned 8. in his life we have always told him how good/smart/everything great he is. he also has a confidence problem. his problem seems to be he is big for his age. people ask all the time if he is 11. but then he speaks and you know his age. the older boys pick on him. he doesnt want to participate in sports but then will mention it till we offer to get him enrolled. some boys just take more time to mature. i think if it is mostly dealing with older children he will just need time. there are other factors that might have influenced my sons feelings as divorce at a young age which he is therapy for. i am just suggesting that maybe he just isnt ready or maybe he is big/small compared to the class average. you talk very proudly of him and he sounds like a great and smart boy. dont make him grow up too early-sometimes boys take a little more time. just love him and maybe find something else that he is interested in besides sports.
