6 Year Old - Angel at School, Terror at Home

[Kevin987]

I have a question re: my 6 year old daughter. She does very well in school (1st grade), both academically and in terms of behavior. Her teacher tells us that she is a model student, always stays on task, always willing to help, raises her hand to ask questions, etc.

Home is a totally different matter. She can't seem to sit still and refuses to do what she is told. She gets angry when she is told she cannot do something she wants and will try to hit and kick her mother and me. Punishments seem meaningless to her -- we have taken away television, toys, allowance, all to no avail. We have tried time outs, sending her to her room, etc.  We can't even get her to sit for her timeouts; instead she gets up and refuses to stay where we tell her. Bedtime can be a nightmare. We read bedtime stories with her, but she then complains that she is scared to stay in her room and comes downstairs repeatedly. It is not uncommon for us to battle with her for more than an hour to get her to go to sleep. We have tried incentive systems, such as getting stars on a chart for going to bed well with a reward after 5 stars, and we have tried punishing her, all to no avail. She has never gone to bed well -- even as a baby she would cry herself to sleep night after night, and as a toddler we had to put a gate on her door to keep her in her room.

We are at our wits end. Her younger brother (age 4) has none of these behaviors; he goes to bed well and does what he is told.  Is this normal behavior? Is she hyperactive? Would medication help?  What can we do?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It's not very likely you are witenessing symptoms of hyperactivity. If your daughter displayed hyperactivity, you woul have noticed it in school as well as at hime.  The problem is likely not biologically based, but rather occurs in the parent-child interaction. My speculation is that your problem chiefly rests in your management of your daughter. While you have tried a number of interventions, it's probably your execution that needs bolstering. As one example, there are many ways to utilize time out. It's probably your method or technique, not the intervention itself, that is the problem. As one guide for you, take a look at Lynn Clark's book titled SOS: Help for Parents. It will be very useful, and really is a wonderful guide to managing difficult behavior. Also, consider consulting with a mental health professional who specializes in pediatric issues. This would help you to clarify the picture from a diagnostic point of view, and it would help you to figure out an intervention plan.

[kberaun41]

A related discussion, Well I was  hoping also for some advice.. was started.