6 year old daughter cries at school every day.

[jd3329]

My 6 year old daughter is crying a lot at school.  She cries when she loses, is not first, not chosen etc.  We had a doctor tell us that she is slow to adapt and he gave us some tools to teach her to calm herself down when she is dissapointed. Do we punish her when she hasn't controlled her emotions that day at school?  The techniques we have taught her don't seem to be working.  Her friends make comments about how she cries all the time.  We have had a conference with her teacher about this.  They also mentioned she is distractable, but the behavioral pediatrician we saw, said he doesn't think she has ADD. Just want suggestions on how to teach her to not cry when she is disappointed and if anyone else has experienced this, will it get better?  She goes to a private school and I think they make a bigger issue out of it than they should at this point.  She does well most of the day, but cries a couple of times during dissapointment. They think she should be more emotionally resilient. Thanks for any help!

[Sandman2]

      I agree, punishing her will not work at this age.  She is to young to draw a lesson from something that happened hours earlier to why she is being punished when she gets home. What you can do is give her ways to express her self.  There are several excellent series of books aimed at the 4 to 7 year old child.  The books are meant to be read to them and are brilliantly illustrated.  Some examples are - http://www.amazon.com/When-Feel-Angry-Way-Books/dp/0807588970/ref=pd_sim_b_2
   and   http://www.amazon.com/Cool-Through-Anger-Learning-Along/dp/1575423464/ref=pd_sim_b_4
    Also realize  that you are changing a learned behavior.  It doesnt happen overnight.  It is something that you must practice at home.  Take situations from these books and role play them.  You can't just tell her what to do and expect her to do it.  It must be taught.  Just like reading.  Its takes time and repetition.  The books I mentioned are to be read over and over again - not just once.
  Hope this helps.

[imonlysaying]

Punishing her with only make it worse. The reward system works and her teacher should already be doing this with her! I take a chart and write the childrens names on it. Before each event or subject I tell the students what my expectation is and if they complete my expectation they get a sticker by thier name. So before game time I would say no matter whether you win or lose you all will get a sticker at the end of the game. But if any of you whine or pout or cry you will not get a sticker this time. Then starting with the person with the most stickers at the end of the day I give them privlages like being able to get they bookbag and coat first or they might be able to pick out a new pencil first and then the others will follow. You can also ask the principle if there is someone like a teachers aid who can spend a little more time with her untill she gets a better understanding of what school is. And if you really think it is add then get a second opinion. And also read a book to her every night. It gives her time to learn how to listen and is always a good time to talk to her about her feelings. She will grow out of it. But don't stress over it. Just ask the teachers if they have any ideas of what can help then just let it go. If she was trying to harm other kids is the only time to get upset.

[skepticalpeach]

No, don't punish her. My daughter at 4.5 years acts much like this. There is always something you can do to calm her down. Some children need lots of breaks throughout the day. If they are overwhelmed don't fight with them over it, just take them somewhere that they can calm down. I agree, the school is probably making a bigger deal out of this than they should.

[RockRose]

jd,  for a first grader to cry a couple times every day is really a lot.  Most first graders will go through the year and cry maybe 5 times or fewer during the year.  Some more some less.  A couple times a day is really a LOT of frustrated crying.  

I have some questions.  Is she crying because she's frustrated that she really never wins anything,  or does she win a lot,  and is she very competitive  and what we used to call a "sore loser"?  

If she is upset because she virtually never wins anything and now she's lost all confidence,  that's one thing.  If she eagerly tries to engage in competition but has to win everything all the time or she cries,  that's another.

I do have to say,  I knew 3 kids who grew up with my kids who were in the "sore loser" category,  who  absolutely couldn't lose at anything - or they'd be yelling and carrying on "It's not FAIIIIRRRRR" "You're CHEATING!!!"  and I have to say I'm surprised that all three kids turned out to be normal young adults,  and have either been able to hide their sore loser feelings or they actually don't feel that way anymore.    All 3 are pleasant,  fairly successful college students.  

Best wishes.  I don't know how to help you if she is like the three kids I knew,  but in the end,  it turned out!