6 year old with sudden recolection of father and seperation anxiety

[Barb]

Nearly two years ago was the last time my three younger children (11,9,6) saw or heard from their father. He saw them at christmas for a day and a half and when he dropped them off with me he promised them it would not be so long as it had been until he saw them again. By Easter of that year my youngest daughter started calling my live in boyfriend Dad, just out of the blue. Prior to that she had been very difficult for him to deal with as she was very obstinant with him. Since that time she has just called him dad and has never once brought my ex up. It seemed like she had struggled with the matter and suddenly resolved it and all was well with the world for her. She and my live in partner have a good relationship most of the time. All of a sudden the other night she says to me " remember that man that used to be my dad? I miss him." And she got very pouty. Since then (2 days)she has done nothing but sit in front of the TV, while checking on me about every 5 mins or so. Tonight she started telling me that I didn't love her and I don't care about her and I don't want her any more. She cried a very painful cry and when i was putting her to bed she asked me not to leave her and asked if i would please move one of the living room chairs so she could see it from her bed and then sit and watch tv there.
I am at a loss. My first instinct is to try to contact the brat that is her natural father and try to get him to see the kids but I am not sure that is the right thing to do. I hate to see her in pain and all this tells me is that all is not right with the world with her and the pain of the loss of someone that she barely knew, but knew as her father lies in the recesses of her mind. I told her over and over at bed that i love her and i will always be here and i could never leave her because i love her so much, and although I feel this will pass I feel it will always be there. I cannot imagine the emptiness that not only she but my other children as well must feel.

Please tell me what to do.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Barb,

Unfortunately, you cannot make the kids' father act responsibly, and there's no point trying. You might, at best, be successful in prodding him to see the children, but his track record says that he will not be faithful to continued contact. Their father's absence from their lives is a reality for your children. While it is difficult, it is the reality to which they have to adapt.

It is quite probable that something in particular generated your youngest child's recent reaction. Such things don't typically just pop up, particularly in very youg children. So keep your ears open about what may have prompted this.

Meanwhile, be a good listener with your daughter. That is the most important thing. And, regardless of your own anger toward the children's father, do not be critical of him to the children. Let them do the talking.

If you wish, have your daughter see a therapist also. This is often a good idea, because the child can communicate with someone to whom they have no particular loyalty or strong emotional attachment. This can be a useful support to children who are dealing with an absent parent.

[Barb]

Thank you so much for answering so quickly. What you say is true and that was a good part as to why I hesitate in contacting my ex. If he did actually decide to see them it would never be a consistenet thing. It could be another 2 years before he bothered to see them again and I know that. I just wonder sometimes if in time it would help the children to see for themselves that it is not them and it is not me that keeps their father from seeing them but rather his own inability to take resposability for anything in his life including three very special children.

Thank you again -