6 yr old daughter inappropriately touching others

[nell422]

A year and a half ago, I walked in on my then 9 yr old step-niece touching my then 5 yr old daughter inappropriately. She had told my daughter that they were playing "baby and mommy" and that my daughter needed to strip to have her diaper changed. She then proceeded to molest my child. I brought this to my brother and his wife's attention. My brother was horrified, but my sister-in-law acted like it was no big deal. She said that about a year before (when my daughter was 4) that she had walked in on her daughter doing that to my child and my brother's 3 yr old daughter. She NEVER told anyone else about this. I was livid, of course. I talked with my daughter and my daughter did recall the experience and said that they again were playing "baby and mommy." I discussed with my daughter why this was not okay and I THOUGHT I had taken care of the problem. Fast forward to today. My sister walked in on my 3 (almost 4) yr old neice laying on the bed naked and my 3 yr old son was inappropriately touching her while my 6 yr old looked on. My 6 yr old told us they were playing "baby and mommy."Further probing of the children let us know that my 6 yr old daughter had touched my niece and has been touching my 2 sons (4 and 3 yrs old.) My daughter has not been around my step-niece since the incident that I walked in on, nearly a year and a half ago. I am at a loss of what to do now. I have talked with my daughter about this and she doesn't really seem to get why this is not okay, even after I have explained it to her. My husband is out of work, so we can not afford counseling right now. I need help, though. I need to know what to do and say to get it across to my daughter that this is not okay. I also need to make sure that my boys are not going to do anything like this to anyone else. Please please please help me!  

[nell422]

Thank you, for your time. I can not stomach being around my child right now and do not think I will ever really trust her again. I have made the decision to send her to stay with other relatives where there are not other children around, that she can hurt. She will undergo counseling while there. My hope is that she will get the help she needs and possibly be able to come home again. But, I will not allow her back as long as she is a threat to any other children. We are going to get counseling for our sons, to help them work through this. We are living with my brother's family and they do not want her to hurt their child ever again. Other than moving into a homeless shelter, sending my daughter away is our only option. I will not make my sons live in a shelter because of my daughter's actions. We have given her everything she has ever wanted. We have been too "soft" with her. And, this is the result. We should be able to let our children play alone together for in a playroom for 15 minutes w/o having to worry about things like this. Our sons deserve more and I refuse to let her despicable actions hurt us ever again. Again, thank you for your time.  You were probably right in your first reply. We are just neglectful parents. Afterall, this wouldn't happen to families where the parents are much much better, right? Good parents don't raise monsters do they?  

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

No, you should not be talking to her about sex at this point. In general, this issue has nothing to do with sex per se. It has to do with inappropriate touching and that, not sex, is the issue. All you have to do is reiterate the prohibition against touching, or allowing others to touch, and be very vigilant about supervising your children. Do not permit situations when such behavior can occur.

[nell422]

Thank you. My husband was in the military for 7 yrs and we believe we can get counseling through some of his benefits. I'm just not sure what to do or say until then. I can't even trust my daughter at this point. All of this happened literally 2 hours before I asked the question on this board. I'm just not sure how to deal with her about this. I honestly thought we had talked with her enough about inappropriate touching since she was molested. So, this came as a big big shock. Even now, she doesn't seem to understand why this is wrong or that she has really done anything wrong. Should I explain sex to her at her age? Would talking to her about sex at this point just scare her or make her seek out more experiences like this? Every talk I have had with her has basically been along the lines of it being an awful thing to let someone touch you there or to ever touch anyone else there. I followed all of the "guidebooks" on conversations of "good touch/bad touch" and this STILL happened. I'm really at a loss here.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Your financial situation cannot get in the way of obtaining professional help. You are neglecting your children's needs if you do not arrange professional intervention. Every jursidiction has provisions for help if it is needed. Do your homework and find out how to arrange help in your situation. The children have to be evaluated by a clinician who specializes in sexual abuse.