6 yr old daughter out of control

[debbie]

Hello, I am struggling with my daughter who will be 6 in June. She is 1 of 4 children. I have been having a hard time with her since she was 2yrs old.  She has no problem in school. teacher adores her.My problem is at home. She is very violent towards my other 3 children. When she walks by she will hit them for no reason. Everything i say goes in one ear and out the other. She yells at me, tells me NO !! Has an answer for everything. As far as dicipline.  She gets time out, sent to her room. I have taken toys away. Sat and talk to her about her behavior. I tell her I love her, but i Don't like her attitude and the way she hurts her siblings. Is there anything else i can try? I am running out of ideas.  Maybe she is ADD? or a mental problem?  She is the only child that head butts me and is so defiante and stuborn. Please help me with any form of suggestion.  Thank you.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Debbie,

The encouraging note is that your daughter is fine in her out-of-home settings. This would tend to indicate that she does not display a mood disorder or any other serious type of emotional disturbance.

However, there are obviously problems that need to be addressed on the home front. Relative to behavior management, I'd suggest two things. First, establish an incentive system whereby she is rewarded for each day during which she behaves safely with her siblings (or, you could even 'rate' her several times each day - this would actually be preferable at her age). Draw up a chart and use stickers to represent her success, and give her some modest treat when she earns a sticker. On the discipline end, place her in time out for 15-30 minutes immediately if she is physically aggressive toward anyone in the family. At the conclusion of the time out, insist that she play alone for 30 minutes before she can join her siblings (or others) in any play.

If you don't see any change in the behavior, obtain a consultation with a child behavioral health professional for assessment and guidance.

[Reg]

I'm wondering how the above behavior should be handled in a 4 year old.

[Amy]

I have a 6 year old son, who is being treated for depression. He exhibits the same aggressive behavior. He is the oldest, my other sons are 2 & 4. While I agree with the Dr.'s response, as a mom, single too, it is very hard to go to such lengths with the praises, stickers, etc. I am writing this at 10:30 at night and still havent had 5 minutes to myself. Good Luck.

[Kyle's Mom]

Try reading "The Defiant Child".  

And as for time outs, my son's therapist said in order for time outs to work it is imperative that when your child leaves time out he/she states the reason he/she was in time out and what the correct behavior would be to avoid time out in the future.

[s.connell]

I have had similar problems with my 6 y.o. son. I started sitting him in the corner facing the wall for 20 min. (hates it) the time sitting in the chair does not start until he is sitting quietly. After he must tell me why he is sitting there and what is the proper way to behave. I then hug him and tell him I love him. then he is able to go play or do the chore he was asked to do before being put in the time out chair. This is helping a lot less stress on me and more of putting the consequences back on him when we are late to his game or boy scout meeting because of his behavour. My son was so defiant that his bad behavour on the school bus almost got him kicked off the bus. I made him walk towards school on a Saturday in pouring rain so he would know how to go if his bad behavour continued. I followed behinde in the car and honked at him if he stopped to fool around it is 7 miles to his school he made it 2 miles soaking wet needless to say he sits still on the bus because he doesn't want to walk to school.

[Sara]

I think that her violent behavior is learned, maybe these kids should stop watching so much TV with all these violent programs.
Taking toys away isn't going to help. No TV and some regime. When I was little I had to write 100X I am not going to talk back to my teacher.. Trust me I still remmember it. I never did talk back after that!