6yo (future) stepson deliberate urination to be spiteful

[angeidw1988]

I have been with my chap for almost 2 years, his stepson lives with us for 3 nights a week, I take my chap to pick his kid up, I take him to drop his kid off, I try to get on with his child as much as possible but I feel like the rule enforcer, telling him to pick his toys up, to do this, to do that, while my chap was on his 2 hour driving lesson I spent an hour and a half talking with my stepson about conversations we've had of nice days out, bad behaviour since that conversation that has happened and telling him that any more bad behaviour and the 2nd nice day out will be pushed from 4 weeks to 8 weeks and if anymore bad behaviour that day then goes. I made sure he understood what I meant by bad behaviour having to underline lying and stealing as he lies a lot and has stolen a few times from family and friends. Roughly 6 hours later I went to the toilet upstairs about 10 mins after he had been in there, to find that there was 2 squares of toilet roll infront of the toilet and next to the toilet our toilet roll holder (that holds 3 standing and one on an arm) currently having just 2 rolls standing were soaked, I wouldn't have thought for one second that my stepson would pee on them. I finished in the bathroom, called him upstairs, he stopped half way up (telling me he kinda already knows he's in trouble) so I told him to come up stairs, all the way, into the bathroom, pointing at the soaked rolls I asked if he knew anything about this (in our morning conversation he was told he must always tell the truth) he asked if he told me the truth if he'd get into trouble, I told him it depended what the truth was.to be told he peed on the rolls, I asked why cos there's no way that is an accident, he replied with "because my dad wouldn't let me use the downstairs toilet" (that was about 12 noon) We had family over for dinner inc elderly gran cant walk well needs to use downstairs loo. I told him to go downstairs and tell his dad, he was embarrassed as he should be, whispered it to his dad, he was furious and told him to sit in the other room, no tv, on the couch, no toys and to wait till the family had gone before we had serious words. His consequences are no tv, no new toys, no pocket money, no magazines, the night light he was given back for telling me the truth. we still can't work out why he waited till 4pm, while family was over, after eating, and while doing a movable 3d t-rex with his dad (so he was having fun at that time) that he decided to go and do something so spiteful. When taking him back to his mom she tells us he "accidently" pooped in the corner of his room in his pants saying he didn't make it to the toilet, covering pooped in pants with clean pants, cleaning his bum and putting clean pants on. this boy still needs his dad to wipe his bum as he is rubbish doing it himself. This making me wonder if the poop at moms was really an accident due to yesterdays purposeful spiteful act. Please can anyone advise, help, suggestions welcome.
Thanks so much

[AnnieBrooke]

In rereading, I want to underscore that he sounds miserable, not (your word) spiteful.  If you could drum up some empathy it would make a big difference.  He's just a kid, his parents have split up, life for him is a world of woe.  His pottying problems are a symptom, not an act of malice.  You coming in and saying (and believing) things like "his purposeful spiteful act" does not help.

[AnnieBrooke]

Agree.  The only power a stepparent has is a kind called "reverent power," which means that the stepchild loves you so much he wants to please you.  You will get exactly nowhere trying to pull "authoritarian power" on the child.  You are not his mother or father, and those are the only people from whom a child will accept an authoritarian stance.  In short, if you can't be loving and caring about the child (not just "try to get along"), the child will never love you, and the only reason a stepchild wants to please a stepparent is because he loves the stepparent.  Kids act out when they are unhappy, and this boy is unhappy.  If you care about your chap and want this to work, go to a family counselor and learn how to be a good stepparent.  Otherwise you are signing up for a lifetime of misery for all concerned.

[RockRose]

Honestly,  you'd get MUCH better behavior from him if you don't give him hour and a half lectures while his dad is not present.  Moving a "nice day out" from a month away to two months away if his behavior is not perfect doesn't work at all - but I guess you figured that out.  

I think you need to find some way to like this child,  and allow for him to be a child,  before you decide to marry your chap.  Or this will never work out.

[RockRose]

Is all this fuss about a 6 year old peeing on a toilet paper roll?