7 YEAR OLD BOY SLEEPING WITH MOM.

[RUCKER]

I am a divorced father who has "shared parenting" with my ex-wife. We divorced when my son was 4.  He is now 7.

I realize he has grown extremely close to his mother since the divorce but latley I am worried about his developmental well-being. In the past yearand 1/2 he seems anxious and stressed.  He's constantly worried that she'll become angry about some of the basic things we do together. It's gotten to the point that he will not go to have our traditional hair cuts anymore because she'd forbidden him. No explanation, just that he couldn't.It has come to the point that he gets tearful if he thinks "for what ever reason" she'll disapprove. But at the same timeI am noticing a manipulative side of him immerge.I overhear him constantly reassuring her on the phone that he loves her, sometimes 5 or 6 times in a 3 minute conversation. I have even caught him lying to her on the phone about things he knows pleases her, ie. sending hugs through the phone, etc. When it comes to toys or gifts he has started to play one for the other. I try not feed into it but strangely she does, everytime. usually during his time with me he seems happy and well adjusted but I've noticed usually after speaking with her on the phone he becomes withdrawn and quiet. All of this has really begun to stand out as he's gotten older.

Now my latest and biggest concern is that he told me he is sleeping with her at night.  At first I thought it was a rare occurence but recently he's told me it's every night. He's also told me that he doesn't think other 7 year old boys sleep with their moms but that he's different. I became really worried to find that it's been going on since July. My concern is that he going along with it thinking it makes her happy in some way? My gut instinct tells me a 7 yr old boy should have his own room and bed right? And there are 3 bedrooms in her home.

I have tried speaking with her about this but she has basically told me to mind my own business. I am not sure what or if I should do anything?Is this a normal phase for a boy and a single mother?

I am trying to provide a stable and normal environment for him when he is with me and am not sure if I should push the issue about their sleeping arrangments without having the falllout effect him? I believe with all my heart she is a good and caring mother to him, but these latest developements concern me. Should I force the issue with her for his sake or is it something he will grow out of?

[angelsntsn]

Correction hes almost 12 yrs old

[angelsntsn]

This sounds just like my step son. He's 10 in a couple months. He does the same thing..always worried about how she feels what hes allowed to do.if she txt him and he doesn't answer she starts calling. After he starts talking/texting her he changes his mood. This is a long battle for my husband she has tried everything to keep his son from him because my husband left her. We drive 3hrs each way every other weekend to spend 6 hrs with him. Finally we get him for a week,and she wont stop bothering him..he gets upset and wants to leave. Tonight hes crying because he misses her *i understand this* but the thing is he sleeps with her every night. My husband's at work so i try talking to him but how can we expect this child to sleep alone even with lights on if moms not next to him? Idk if this is wrong but it's not healthy for him and dad relationship. Mom wont change anything. Any idea's?

[Samoy1]

A related discussion, My husband's 8 year old son sleeps in bed with him and not me was started.

[kevrm]

A related discussion, My 8 year old boy sleeps with mommy was started.

[D99G03]

I am not a single mom but I may as well be, and my 7yr. old son would sleep with me every night if I let him.  He asks to sleep in my bed.  But HE asks to and HE wants to.  It does not sound to me like this is your son's idea?  Most of time we start off with story or movie in my bed and then he gets put to sleep in his own room. (unless it's a rare occassion that dad is away and then sometimes I let him stay with me) It's hard and he cries sometimes, but he gets through most nights.  I say if it's because your son wants to be close to mom it's normal, but she should not indulge regulary.  If it's becausehe wants to make her happy or SHE wants him in her bed, then you must step in.  Try working some slick questions in when you are with him so that you can get a better feel of what is actually going on.  Good luck to you.

[woofytoyou]

It could be he had a couple of nightmares and went to 'sleep with his mom' and is making a huge deal out of it, realizing this will get your goat.  You may be making a mountain out of a molehill.  If I was the mom I would probably tell you to mind your own business because of all the old anger issues still there in the exmarriage and the baggage coming from that confuses the boy.  
It sounds to me like a whole pile of martyr dad and bad mom scenerio which is wrong, and before accusing mom with getting kicks out of sleeping with the son, the real issues behind that need addressing.  The son found refuge from loneliness and homesickness for his dad when at his moms, with his mom and now you are basically saying he sleeps with her everynight.  The son is showing signs of being disturbed as you two have not recovered from anger and stress and blaming each other  and wanting the sons affections more than the other.
It  is time to grow up and be friends with each other, as the boy NEEDS this in order to grow up sane loving both parents equally.  So you split, don't sensationalize all what your son does.  he does the same with his mom, you can bet to get a rise out of both of you.  He is playing on all your angers, and suspiciouns on each other.  It sounds like two sensible adults can lay it all down for the sons benefit and give each other room to love the son for who you are rather than heaping blame and accusations.

[RUCKER]

Thank you.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

No, this is not a normal thing for a child and it should stop. Your description indicates that your son is developing some emotional disturbance, and the only solution to this will involve you and his mother meeting with a mental health professional to discuss your mutual parenting efforts with him. Based on your description, his mother is putting him in the position of meeting her needs and unwittingly putting pressure on him to please her. If this is true, it indicates some pretty serioius immaturity on her part. In any case, please see if she will agree to join you in conferring with a mental health professional. If she does not, through the probate court see if a guardian ad litem can be appointed to pursue the matter.