7 Year Old Step Son Hitting Mom & Trying to Hurt

[DK122]

My step son has been with me since he was 2, he only knows me as his mother.  We have 2 older children (my daughters) and our younger son who is 3.  My step son is 7 and has always displayed behavior issues more with dad becuase of his inconsistent parenting skills and his own displays of abuse and in front of the kids. He is on medication for ADHD, although he is not an ADHD child.  He is an honor student at school and his behavior developes from him making not so good choice.  He knows I am the more strict parent, and dad will just ignore most of the behavior instead of correcting it.   Over the course of 8 months he has gone from hitting and kicking things in his room, to now throwing things, thowing things at walls, shutting doors on you, hitting me (and he say's he didnt' hit me hard) to more lying, screaming, accusing even last night he tried to hit me with a ruler, tip a dresser on me and throw an item from his dresser at me.
I know so much stems from dad's behavior and how dad verbally abuses me in front of his son, and has repeatedly told me I am not his son's mother in front of his son, but even though I am the only consistent thing in my step sons life, I am the one always wrong.  My step son here's his dad, yelling at me (dad has his own issues alcoholic in recovery, anger, depression). I know this may seem not logical but my step son does not like it when we work together and does everything he can to make his dad fight with me.  We could be having a great day and when dad comes home, the baby talking, back talking, I am not listening behavior starts. Dad doesn't believe me.  And he lets the 7 year old whisper things behind my back.  The birth mother of this child has mental health issues, and has nothing to do with him.  We know there are issues for this child, and my husband hates to admit it and would rather find fault in everyone else instead of helping his son. His anger is getting worse.. to see this child raise a ruler above his head with so much intensity in his eyes.. kills me.  All becaues he didn't want to finish his homework.  
I do not know what to do.  We all know this behavior has to be corrected now, because when he is 10 or 12 it's going to be nearly impossible to fix.  I feel that between my husbands iusses and his son's I am fighting a loosing battle.  In the past week, that my husband has been going off on me, my step son has had bad behavior at home and at school.  Tonight, my husband is working and after the morning of my step son hitting me, I just want to feed him dinner and put him to bed.  I do not know what else to do.  HELP

[aid821]

there seems to be a differing of opinion in this forum so im not going to pass judgement, just my personal opinion on how i see and hope it helps in some way. despite if the child has ADHD or not, it's obvious he needs some sort of direction in his life, only because kids at that age are so impressionable and really look up to us and the behaviour we model. IF it is true that dad has a problem with alcohol, i hope he gets some help with this issue,as it will make it so much easier for dad to address the issues faced by jnr, without having to deal with the problem he is said to be dealing with  of his own. All the best!

[Kevsdad]

There are two sides to a story..

Mom for sure is not telling both sides. There is so many things left out..

I could go into full detail but feelings will be hurt so I choose not to go this route.

Instead I choose to help my son who has issues and has  been diagnosed with ADHD as mom does not recognize this whatsoever and feels Jr does not have this.

  

This post potrays me completely wrong and people need to realize that before they post to such forums one has to consider both sides as this post with its Comments of Leave  have adversely hurt my marriage.

You should all take a look at Sandman2's comment as it is obvious mom does not think step son has adhd.



Kevin Sr.

[DIANA_RIVERA]

I ALSO AGREE WITH NATTA 1980,,,  ALTHOUGH MY STATEMENT IN THE BEGINING IS JUST LEAVE WITH YOUR 2 DAUGHTERS AND SON SOTHEY WONT BE AROUND IT,, I CAN SAY IF YOU DEEPLY LOVE YOUR STEPSON THE WAY YOU DO THEN BY ALL MEANS TAKE HIM WITH YOU TOO,, AS LONG AS HE IS AROUND HIS FATHER THE SITUATION WILL ONLY GET WORSE..  TAKE HIM OUT OF THE SITUATION AND GET HIM THE HELP HE NEEDS. DO WHATS IN YOUR HEART AND DO HAVE YOU BEEN DOING... BEING A CONCERNED MOTHER AND DO ALL U CAN TO GET HIM WHAT HE NEED LIKE YOU WOULD FOR UR BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN..  GOOD LUCK! AND GOD BLESS!!!

[Sandman2]

   You are in a real nasty situation.  I agree with a lot of what has been stated above.  There is one more thing you can try (if you haven't already done so).  I really get the feeling that you are not quite aware of what ADHD can do to a young child.  Kids with ADHD can have a tremendously hard time doing homework.  You cannot just force them to do it.
  The point is - you also need to understand where he is coming from.  There are ways to work with an ADHD child that are vey different than a normal child.  My suggestion is to do some research into what ADHD is and how to work with kids that have it.  Also read some of the posts on the ADHD forum, you will find many familiar behaviors.  
  If you decide to hang in there, then you need the information to do so.  Because your stepson is only 7, he will drive you the most crazy with his behavior.  His is actually the most fixable.  Besides getting more information, you may want to talk with his doctor.  If his medication has not been changed in a while, it may not be strong enough due to weight gain since it was first prescribed.  Also if his doctor is a psychologist, then he can probably also give you some behavioral methods for working with an ADHD child.  Among other things to look at is a medicine that is longer acting, so that he is in more control when he gets home and after dinner.
   Good luck - and check out the ADHD forum!

[Natta1980]

Why can't you leave and take all your children - step or not, with you? This way you do not have to give up on everyone. At the same time, get outside help. If he continues to see Dad's behaviors - no outside help will do any good. You will just waste time and money, trust me. Make a consistent arrangement that will work for everybody? Dad has no business raising children until he sorts his issues out.


Good luck

[DK122]

My husband is in couseling, we have been together, he has been for anger management, he was going to AA, he is on medication. It's just the same story about every 5-8 weeks.  

I think partly  he is jealous that our sone who will be three gets so much attention from me, and is a totally different child than his son was at this age. But he lost his son at 13 months for almost a year.  Because he was an alcoholic and him and the mother kept getting into it.  Both were responsible.  

When his son was 4 he got mad at me one day, and I found out that he was taking medication without my knowledge which made him not a nice p erson.  He told his son I wasn't his mother, at 4 years old.  And he does it every time he gets mad.  Everytime he gets a wild hair up his butt.  He can't stop himself.  He knows I am very serious about leaving and no one would blame me.. but I worry about his son. He would be much worse off if I left, and have less of a chance.  

Tonight I picked them up for Day Care, they had mothers day presents for me.  I told him that he was going to eat dinner and go to bed, because I was unhappy with  his behavior and actions.  He gave me not one problem.  Did everything even picked up his room.  This is the child I know.  Not the one created when daddy is home.  He was tired and passed out by  6:30 which is nearly unheard of.

This is hard for me, I know I should leave.. luckily my daughters dont see much because they are at their dads too. I worry for the kid though.  How can I give up on him?

[imanaddict]

This is not going to get any better until your husband can stop his abuse toward you in front of the kids, or at all. He needs some counseling, along with your stepson. You are correct, this will only progress with time, and the time to get them both help is NOW!

You are a wonderful person for dealing with all of this! It takes a  REALLY strong person to put up with it and it's awful that you are in this situation when you just want to have a normal family. If this were me, and my husband wouldn't agree to counseling, I would have to leave him. Of course, that is what I would do and this may not even be in your deck of cards. I think it is safe to assume only a professional is going to be able to get through to both of them at this point. I wish you all the best and please let us know how it all goes.

[DIANA_RIVERA]

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.. TAKE YOUR 2 DAUGHTERS AND YOUR 3 YR OLD SON AND GET OUT!!!!!!!  UR HUSBAND DOESNT WANT TO MAKE THE SITUATION ANY BETTER ITS GETTING WORSE..  UR CHILDREN SURE AS HELL DO NOT NEED TO BE IN THIS SITUATION THEY SHOULDNT BE HEARING SEIING OR KNOWING ABOUT ALL THIS VIOLENCE AND ABUSE.  I WENT THROUGH THIS BEFORE AND GOT TO THE POINT WHERE I SENT MY SON WHO WAS 5 AT THE TIME TO GO LIVE WITH MY MOTHER SO HE WOULDNT BE IN THAT KIND OF ENVIRONMENT AND THINK IT IS NORMAL OR OK TO BE LIKE THAT.I LOVED MY HUSBAND BUT I WOUND UP LEAVING FOR GOOD HE WAS THE SAME AS UR HUSBAND AND WASNT TEACHING HIS SON EVEN THE BASICS IN RESPECT OR ANYTHING ELSE.  IF YOU DONT GO UR CHILDREN WILL GROW TO THINK THAT ITS A NORMAL THING AND THAT ITS OK. DO NOT ALLOW URSELF TO BE TREATED THE WAY YOU ARE BEING TREATED, NOT ONLY WITH YOUR HUSBAND BUT HIS SON AS WELL.. TOO MUCH MENTAL PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE!!!!   I WENT THROUGH IT ....  
DONT WAIT UNTIL IT IS TOO LATE..... WHEN THE BOY IS STANDING OVER YOU WHILE U SLEEP WITH A PAIR OF SICCORS OR WORSE....  I UNDERSTAND THERE MAY BE SOME MEDICAL ISSUES BUT U CANT PUT URSELF AND UR CHILDREN IN HARMS WAY WITH YOUR HUSBANDS AND STEPSONS BEHAVIOR.
PLEASE IF NOT FOR URSELF FOR UR CHILDREN ITS A VERY DANGEROUS SITUATION.
U MAY THINK IM OVER REACTING BUT I TELL YOU THAT IF U WENT THROUGH WHAT I WENT THROUGH U WOULD FEEL THE SAME AS ME AND WOULDNT WANT ANY WOMAN TO GO THROUGH IT. TAKE CARE AND GOD BLESS!!