7 year old boy wants to sleep with mum

[brookebailey]

my 7 year old boy goes to sleep in his bed at night but sometime after I go to bed he wakes up and sneaks into my room and wants to sleep with me.
He will then not return to his bed; taking him back seems to make no difference nor does smacking him, he is very strong willed.
he keeps coming back straight away and will even sneek in and sleep on the floor, under the bed or try and sneek into bed when I'm asleep.
He says he's scared but will never be able to say what he's scared of, we don't beleive that he his really scared but just wants to be close to mum.
it's becoming such a problem because I can't get any sleep unless i give in and let him sleep with me which of course just makes it worse.
I've tried being nice and explaining that there's nothing to be scared of and sit with him for awhile, I've tried smacking him and telling him this is not acceptable but he gets very aggressive and just seems to cause a big scene and no result either.
what can I do?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

There is no easy route to accomplish the goal of having your son remain in his own bed. There's no point in figuring out if he truly is scared or not when he wakes up - it is likely he does feel vulnerable and wants the security of closeness to you. Nonetheless, set the firm limit that he must sleep in his own bed. Should he come in, take him back to his own bed. Refrain from hitting him - that will not help. If you want to build in some incentive, make some privilege (e.g., viewing television, playing his video games) contingent on staying in his own bed. Each time you agree to let him stay you are reinforcing the behavior, so you've got to be consistent, even rigid, about this.

[oceans3]

"smacking him" ? because he wants to BE with you? that kind of angered me and made NO sense at all?
however, you are looking for help so i will saty out of that part. just know that will not help the situation.

it is not normal for a 7 yr old to be wanting to sleep with mom. does he have a night light in his room? what about some nice music that could play until he fell asleep? a favorite blanket? stuffed animal? what about reading him a story every night in his bed so he knows that once its over, its bedtime. have a consistant routine.
if he tries to come into your bed, just firmly say, no this is my bed and you have your own bed and guide him back. dont give in letting him sleep with you. if you do, you are not helping the situation and you are only perpetuating it. if you are firm with him(few words) and consistant, he will eventually stay in his own bed. dont go into a long drawn out story explaining things because he is receiving attention from you and his behavior will continue.
you may all have some sleepless nights but its better in the long run. a little to put up with for a peaceful nights sleep.

[brookebailey]

Thanks for the tips but we have tried leaving the light on, music etc.
also it's not so much him going to sleep at first but waking up and then it all starts.
I hear what your saying about taking him back to bed and being firm but what do you do when he sneaks back in and you've taken him back 10 times? also once you've taken him back he won't even wait a while before returning again even if he's got into trouble.
He just comes back straight away?
Brooke

[oceans3]

ya know what? you will just have to keep guiding him in his room if its 10, 12, 18 times. it will be soooo hard i KNOW but if you can remain strong ALL OF THE TIME you will see that it will lessen. you will see, before you know it, he will be sleeping in his own bed all night without coming in.

he is (now) getting some type of reinforcement whether it be negative (spanking, anger, or allowing him to stay) or even positive, (long explinations as to why he should be in his bed, comforting..) he will come back in for the time being until he learns he will not get any "reaction" out of you. you HAVE to be strong if you want this to work. like i said, he could come in 20 times a night!! do the SAME thing, keep guiding him back in using little words. "you have your bed, i have mine" and guide him in his room, cover him up, leave. the end! do not give in once or you will need to begin the process all over again.

as i stated, you all may have some sleepless nights but then you will both be able to sleep the night through without interuption. (give it TIME). i know its so easy to just let him stay when you are tired but it wont solve a thing. it will just begin a pattern.

i may use lunch/supper time to talk about anything he is going through. he may be nervous, scared about something at school, about a friend, feelings he is confused about and that is why he is doing this. let him know that he can come to you and feel comfortable without judgement or fear and you will listen. just ask, is everything okay? anything on your mind? i will be a good listener if you need to talk.

i think there is definitly something on his mind and if he can sort it out with you this coming into your room will cease. just trying to figure it out may take a bit of work.

please post with any other concerns. i hope i can help!!

[sky74]

how many long and very ,very late nights have you had to realy do this ? how many children do you have and what age rang are they?for some reason i realy dont think you know what brookebaily is going threw. idont think alote of people do .good luck brookbaily.

[brookebailey]

thanks for all your comments
just to let you know it's been going on for about 12 months but has got worse in the last couple of months.
there doesn't seem to be any reason that we can see, ie no changes that we can identify.
thanks again and we welcome any other comments or ideas.
We're starting tonight trying to talk to him after school that this is going to stop from tonight and will just take him back straight away with little conversation, no matter how many times.
Also if he does come in he will loose some of the things he enjoys for the next day, ie TV games etc.
here's hoping! thanks again

[Curls]

If it's been going on that long, maybe a session with a professional who specializes in children will help find out what he's experiencing at night.

Maybe he has anxiety that's showing up in his dreaming and waking him up, but he isn't aware of how to explain general anxiety - and may be unaware that some daytime events are stressing him and then showing up while dreaming.

Hope you get some sleep soon.  I also would agree that hitting only teaches kids fear and agression and not to like themselves.  It doesn't help them grow and figure out what they are feeling or HOW to fix it.

[mskattykat]

maybe he just loves you and wants to feel safe mom.......after all people who love eachother share a bed together dont they??? You dont say if it bothers you that he does this or do you think that it is wrong??Is there another who shares your bed that perhaps doesnt like it?

[oceans3]

i do NOT know what poor brooke is going through because i have a 4 year old daughter who since about 4 months has slept through the night. i am lucky for that. a couple times way back she came in wanting to sleep with us but we didn't allow it, didn't give in and just guided her back to her bed, covered her up and left the room. will she do this when she is 7? maybe? however, i do know what it's like to have sleepless nights due to my husbands snoring. any tips there? guide him to the couch would be nice.
seriously though, if you reread what the dr. suggested, it pretty much is the same thing i suggested. mine is the long winded version!! that's for sure. i am not a dr. but i am not some "yahoo" off the street either that doesnt have any children or know what they are about. I have a degree in psychology/behavior management and a masters in elementary education and have been around children in one context or another practically my whole life. however, this post is not about me and i certainly do not want to waste a thread talking about how many kids i have etc.. brooke asked for advice because she is at the end of her rope and is exhausted. she came here asking for help. i (along with others) are giving suggestions as to what i believe will work with consistancy and firmness. ever watch nanny 911? you will see the same method on that show as well. after all, the goal is to get him to stay in his own bed without coming in and waking her up. what do you suggest she do? maybe this will work, maybe it won't but at least brooke can say she tried so now what? what's next?
brooke, i am curious (you sound as if you are raising your son on your own) did you recently go through a divorce? this could also be a reason as to why he keeps coming in to your bed. just a thought. i hope you find a solution that works for you both and post with updates okay?

[MandaJo111]

I completely agree with Oceans3.  I have been having trouble with my son the past few nights not wanting to stay in his bed.  He is 3.  He will slip out of the other door as soon as I have let my guard down and be playing in another room.  

I have a solid routine developed, he brushes his put his night clothes on, we brush his teeth, and then he gets in bed.  I sing him twinkle twinkle little star -- always twice, and sometimes we read a book, and then it is time for bed.  We say our goodnight and our I love you's, and he always asks for one more kiss before I leave the room.  This has worked for the longest.  

However, he has a bad sinus infection and an ear infection right now, and I believe he is hearing things in his ear due to this (that was the issue we went through when he had ear infections before he got tubes).  The problem is he is now scared of the dark.  Now mind you, the lamp provides just enough light in there to dimly light the room, so that should not be a pro0blem.  But he says he is scared of his room and scared of the outside when it is night time and dark out.  We hae talked through this, but he is still scared.  

He stays in there for a few minutes and then tries to slip back out.  I keep taking him back in.  I try not to make an issue of it, because as was said ealier, that only adds fuel to the fire.  It will just give him the attention that he wants.  He starts telling me that he wants me, but I tell him he has to go to bed.  He gets tons of attention during the day.  We read books, play games, sing songs, go to the park, anything he wants we do.  Even if he is just watching Dora or something, we do it together, we talk about all that is going on, and make it a very positive learning experience.  

I know how late the nights can get when your child repeatedly gets out of bed.  It is hard.  But you have to be very consistent.  

Enough about my experiences.  

Your son sounds as if he is having some type of security issue.  Could that be the problem?  It really sounds like there may be some type of underlying issue there.  Does his school have a counslor he could talk to?  That may help with this issue.  
Good luck to you!!

Amanda

[brookebailey]

Hi
Thanks for your comments; we have booked him in to see a specialist leter this month so maybe that will give us some more information.
Last night went quite well, he stayed in his bed most of the night but when we woke up he was asleep on the floor next to us.
hope everything works out with your son, it sounds more like normal growing issues for your son and with the support you give should pass soon.
Regards
Graham

[maryheather]

I agree with mandajo, and oceans3...
I cannot begin to tell you how many nights we slept with our daughter on the floor of our room, crying to get into my bed.  It was just a rule that we weren't willing to break.

She eventually stayed in her room, b/c I guess she was tired of sleeping on the floor!!!
At one point, we even had to put a security gate up at her door, so in the middle of the night, she couldn't get out.  She was younger, of course, but I applaud you for trying.  
Hopefully you'll get some much needed rest, and some answers that will help.

Mostly, its just sticking to your guns and not giving in.  If you give in even once, all the hard work you've done so far is undone.  BE strong!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MandaJo111]

Good luck to you.  I hope the specialist helps.  I know it is hard to stick it out.  My son tells me, "But mamma, I NEED you, I want to hold you!"  It breaks my heart, but I have been sticking to it.  

Take care,

Amanda

[JoAnnaRF]

I totally agree with all the advice given by oceans, manda, and mh. I have 5 and went through this phase with all of them. They all "tried". That's what kids do. But we too refused to give in on our rule that our bed was our bed.
One key thing that needs to be mentioned is that after a few nights of sleep deprivation, with the poster continuing to walk him back to his room, he WILL get tired. He will be so exhausted that it shouldn't take more than a few nights to have him sleep in his own bed without getting up. And once he does this, reward him. Praise him! And return what he lost, One item at a time, for each night that he stays is his bed. So if you take away t.v. priveledges one night, the next, take away video games, the next, a favorite toy, then when he starts sleeping alone, for each night he gets the return of what he lost. But if he backpeddles, he loses them again. Also, NO NAPS. Do not let him nap at all during the day. You want him warn out. And booby trap your door so that he is unable to sneak in and sleep on the floor. Just string some bells up or something that will alert you if he enters the room. And put stuff on the floor where he would normally lay down, so that he will have to move it out of his way and wake you in order to lay down. But most of all, in the light of the day, like oceans said, maybe at lunch or dinner, talk to him. Let him know that you are more than willing to talk to him and be there for him, but NOT at 3 a.m.
He WILL grow out of this. I promise. Sometimes it feels like you will never sleep again, but believe me, this too shall pass.
Much luck for many ZZZzzzzz's
--J

[lmroswell]

I have two girls, 9 & 7.  One would sleep in our bed at every chance, the other one loves her own bed and could care less.  In the beginning with my older one, I would walk her back to her bed several times a night.  I was pretty consistent in doing that.  This went on for months.  But she eventually got it.  We did reward her with a significant toy that she had always wanted.  She sleeps in her bed now with no problem, but given the chance to go back to her old ways, she would do so in a NY second.  Some kids are just like that.  They like the closeness and the security.  You can't blame them, but I like my bed...You just have to keep at it, and like the other posters have said, just talk to him about it.  He may have some fear(s) about night time.  Night time has its challenges to little kids, and this might be how he copes with it.

[D99G03]

I agree with Oceans3 that the "smacking" is kind of un-nerving ... and I feel probably encouraging the said "aggressive behavior".  I also agree with most on this board by way of advice.  

My son (7) would still sleep with me every night if I let him, this started at around 4 yrs.  Many nights he had to start out layng down with me and then I move him once asleep.  With him I know some of it's anxiety as he is severly ADHD and had to be put on medication etc.  He would always show up next to me a little later on ... he was scared, needed me, all of that and we determined his night light was just not enough for him and inadvertanly discovered an odd solution.  A small TV in his room, that he cannot watch or hear.  It is put on the local cable Community Bulliten Board for our town and "muted" ... a boring station ... he just needs the glow of the TV.  I have also only recently given him a "magic bead" that he can take wherever, school, bed etc. and when he feels he wants me he can pull it out and think of me and I will be in his heart -- it seems to also be working in some way becasue he was very upset when he though he lost it.  Anyway, now he sleeps absolutely through the night.  He still asks to lie down with me or vice-versa at bedtime, but I am firm and tell him he has to go in his bed.  One thing though, my husband will sometimes accidentally turn it off, and then, like clock-work, guess who ends up in our room??

Best of luck to you ...

[oceans3]

That is a really cute idea about the bead and i'm happy you found something that works!
many people may wonder why others who go through this don't just let the child sleep in your bed. i can only speak for myself and say that i am with my daughter all day and work some nights. i rarely get any kind of break. i usually just need a mental break and you do not know how much i look forward to slipping into bed, watching a little t.v. and falling asleep. that's my time and for us moms "my time" is well deserved. you need it to recharge your batteries. besides, having your child sleeping in the same bed doesn't help in the relationship department with husbands if you know what i mean.
sometimes to help kids sleep, they need some noise like a soft fan going or something like that(you discovered a tv works).  if the child misses being with a parent and wants that closeness, sleeping with a t-shirt with your scent on it may help them too or if they have a special blanket, put a bit of lotion or perfume that you use on it.

[JoAnnaRF]

I just wanted to add a comment to MsKattyKat's post that asks "after all people who love eachother share a bed together dont they??? "
The answer is NO. I do NOT share a bed with everyone that I love. That would be inappropriate in a LOT of cases. Mothers should not be made to feel guilty because they wish to have their bed to themselves. And it is up to her as to WHO she wishes to share her bed with. I believe it is a personal choice for each mom to decide IF she wnats her child sleeping with her but allowing it will only make your won life more difficult and will also create seperation anxiety as the child grows older. I have a cousin that was allowed to sleep with her parents into her teen years and is now an adult. She actually BOUGHT the house next door to her mom and to this day (she is 35) STILL goes over at night to lay down with her mom. She is a bright and very beautiful woman (was a model in her 20's) but never got married and had children. She was too attached to her mom. I worry about what will become of her when her parents pass. They regret ever allowing her to sleep in thier bed, but it's too late now.
And oceans, my girls love to sleep in our T-Shirts and the blanket idea with a little scent from mom is a TERRIFIC idea!
--J

[D99G03]

Thanks.  Yeah the bead is very, very pretty and looks "magical".  He seems to be buying that for now?  

I have a million little tricks up my sleeve, like my "magic tape" (clear packing tape) to repair books that his little sister may tear etc., or the term "love bucket" which we now all use when we need a hug or affection.  It's funny, he will tell me to get my "Magic Tape" ... or he (and his 3 yr. old sister) will say they need their "Love Bucket" filled if they want a hug etc., which happens often after being reprimanded.  And when they ask ... "can I have my Love Bucket filled?" I ALWAYS stop what I am doing and say "all you have to do is ask!"  --- It's become almost our little game or sorts!!

Take Care!

[emccain5]

hello Brookbailey.
I feel your pain. My Seven year old trys this from time to time. he does great @ going to bed. But well as for the rest of the night. Forget it. I finely put a chart on the wall. For every night he's in his bed he gets a sticker and I mean in his bed all night long. and then we get a reward that he want's. Because my son is being adopted he has a lot of issues. But that does not give him the right to invade my space. So I have also told him that to cross the line. (because we have tile floors i put down tape) means he's invading mom's space and that is a double loss of privilege's. Example if he stays in his bed for 5 nights straight he can go to Chuckie cheese. But if he come's to your room during that 5 day period he just cross the line so he gets no chuckie cheese and no TV.For my son that is pure torture. i have also made it a big deal to do things with daddy. other wise my son would be hooked to the hip. we are very well bonded with our little man But he as with all children have to have boundries. So my room is the only place my soon is not alowed with out my or my husbands invite.  I don't do this to be rude or mean I do this because i want mt son to grow up as a strong and indepented person. I do so some of you don't make this big huge deal on the my space issue. I check on my son before i go to bed and my hubby checks on him when he's up at 3:30 in the am. Stick to your guns. Also remeber that you go 5 days then add time so he did 5 now starting again do 7, and so forth. I hope that his may help you. God bless you and your little one. and by the way Never feel bad for disapling your child. I beleive in a good old fashion spaking once in a while to catch their attention.

[Curls]

A good old fashioned spanking is just humilation, not discipline.  There are plenty of examples of great discipline on this forum.  I behaved when I was a kid, as best I could as a kid.  Not because anyone spanked me.  Because I loved my parents and wanted them to be proud of me, and happy (my being bad clearly mad them feel sad/badly.)  Less you think it didn't work out, I was a A student in the honors classes etc.
It may be a challenge and take smarts to do something other than hit, but it's worth the work to figure it out.

[emccain5]

just for your information. there are A BIG diffrence between a spanking accross the little fanny and beating your Child. See My parents spanked me and I am just fine. not only am I just fine. But I do NOT have Bratts for children. I only use a spanking when nessacary and that is as a last resort. I use loss of privilages, time out, quit time, writing what you are feeling, weather you are happy, sad, mad ect. Since your comment leads me to beleive that you did not read the whole comment as you would have notice. I did say other means. I have two dear fiends who work with teenage delinquet. one with girls the other with boys who have commited sexual assult. My friend who works with the girls is also a guidence counselor (she has her masters in counseling) She asked her girlswhat could have made their lifes diffrent. they all said Discipline. she whanted to know what she ment mostof them said if my parent had said NO, held their ground, and smacked are butts once in a while we would not be here. Now do i think a spanking is for every chanllengge my child give's me, NO. But am I afraid to use it NO. I belive there is a time and a place. and when all else fells get their attention with a smack across the but. All I said is not to feel bad when she has been pushed to the limits. I disagree with you that it is humilation. Humilation is watching my neighbor take her son who was slightly handicap and hose him down in the front yard at age 9 because he pooped his pants at school now that my dear is humilation. I have been raising other peoples children for over 20 years. I am the oldest of 8. I can tell you from watching other children some do not respond to time out, going to a room, or any thing eles when they get the pop accross the butt they stop. Now I do beleive that you also beleive that I am a bad parent. My child has had 1 spanking and it was not hard enough to hurt but it was enough to catch his attention. he quit his tantrum and I was able to explain to him why he was introuble. and all was done. So before ya all make judgements you might want to find out all the facts. Because like I said I beleive in a good old fashin spanking only on the bottom. anywere eles is not cool. Do I feel it is always nessacary NO.

[Curls]

I'm not going to debate this with you.  You want to prove to your kids that you are bigger than them -- I think they already figured it out.  Hitting isn't commuicating and feels humiliating, whether it's part of "intentional punishment" or a different thing, an out of control beating up.  I hope you give some thought to options beyond hitting.  It really does feel better - not just for the kids, but the parents too.

[Curls]

I just caught what you said - you're advocating spanking, but have used it all of once.  That's not a consistent logic.  Glad to hear it though.  You responded to tons of stuff I didn't say.  You might want to stop advocating a spanking, when you've found you needed it only once.  And talk about all the methods you do regularly use.

[helpme43]

Life is too short . . . and before you know it your children will be grown and want nothing to do with you (the parents), they won't want to hang out together (they'll have their friends), less hugging and kissing, etc.  If your son desires your comfort at night, allow him to sleep on the floor next to the bed but make it known that he is not to wake you up nor is he allowed in your bed.  This way your sleep will not be interupted and he is comforted being near you.  Trust me, continuous nights of sleeping on the floor will eventually persuade him to sleep in his own bed.  I speak from experience -- I was the same way when I was a child and that was the arrangement my parents made with me!  (smile)  Good luck!  PS . . .and please don't hit him -- I know you are frustrated -- but do what you can to refrain from that reaction.  I realize sleep deprivation is a nightmare, but try and not take it out on your son.

[Happypanther]

Hope my letter will be clear, although English isn’t my native language. I had the same problem as you do with my 8 years old son.
Finally I decided it’s healthier for both of us to move into the next step. I told him that he is a big boy and he should try to sleep in his bed. I ask him if he wants I’ll give him a sticker for every night he will sleep in his bed and when he gets 10 stickers I’ll buy him a small present. In addition I got for him a hamster and he sleeps in the aquarium near my son’s bed. So now my son says I can’t come to sleep with you, because my hamster will be sad to be by himself. Hope it will work for you too.

[Tula]

i AM A MOM OF 6 ALL OF WHO ARE TEENAGERS AND ONE ALMOST ADULT.
SPANKING SHOULD NEVER BE DONE IN ANGER.  ONLY IN LOVE WHEN NECESSARY.  THE BIBLE SAYS SPARE THE ROD SPOIL THE CHILD.  I KNOW ALOT OF PEOPLE CAN VIEW THAT IN ALOT OF DIFFERENT WAYS BUT CHILDREN NEED BOUNDRIES.  NOT ALL KIDS REQUIRE A SPANKING WHICH OF COURSE SHOULD ONLY BE ON THE BOTTOM.  VERY RARELY DID WE SPANK OUR KIDS BUT THERE WERE TIMES THEY NEEDED TO BE REMINDED THAT CERTAIN BEHAVIOR WAS NOT ALLOWED.  USUALLY BEDTIMES WERE EARLIER OR CERTAIN TOYS WERE TAKEN AWAY.  BUT LIKE I SAID SPANKINGS WERE GIVEN IF THINGS GOT WAY OUT OF HAND.  YOUR CHILD WANTING TO SLEEP WITH YOU IS NORMAL  IF YOU FEEL HE NEEDS TO SLEEP IN HIS OWN BED THEN THATS YOUR DECISION.  SOME OF THE IDEAS PEOPLE GAVE YOU ARE GREAT ONES.  TRUST ME WHEN HE IS A TEENAGER YOU WILL LONG FOR HUGS AND KISSES BUT THEY GET PRETTY BUSY AND BEGIN TO HAVE TO MANY OTHER THINGS GOIN ON IN THERE LIFE TO DO THAT.  ALTHOUGH MY SON IS 16 AND IS VERY SWEET TO ME.SOMETIMES IT DEPENDS ON THERE MOOD. PUEBERTY AND ALL.  CONTINUE TO FOLLOW THROUGH I KNOW ITS HARD ITS EASIER TO GIVE IN JUST SO WE AS MOMS CAN HAVE A LITTLE PEACE BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY IT PAYS TO FOLLOW THROUGH.  OTHERWISE IF THEY KNOW THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT THEY WILL.  GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS!!!!!