7 year old daughter's inconsistent behavior toward others

[jjlmomof2]

Hi-I have two kids-a daughter who is almost 7 and in first grade and a son who is 5 and about to enter Kindergarten.  My concern is with my daughter. On an academic level, she is doing great.  She is above average in all her classes. My question is about the way that she behaves with other people.   She has lots of friends but is very inconsistent in her behavior toward them.  At times, she is very friendly and outgoing but the next day she may see the same friend she played great with the day before and will hardly even acknowledge their existence!  She is a little shy at times, but it doesn't even seem to be shyness that is holding her back.  It's more like a complete indifference as though she just can't be bothered to address them.  Also, I am seeing a continuing pattern in the way she behaves toward my parents who live in England.  We live in the United States but my parents visit at least two or three times a year and stay for a couple of weeks.  Prior to their arrival, my daughter is very excited to see them and for the first few days is the model granddaughter-wanting them to play, read books, tell stories, etc.  Then, without fail, after the 4th or 5th day, she will completely withdraw from them-or at least from my Mom.  She will barely look at her much less talk to her or ask her to play.  It is incredibly upsetting to my Mom who just doesn't understand what she may have done wrong!  I would be inclined to put this down to the fact that they are not in her life on a regular, consistent basis and after the novelty has worn off, she just becomes disinterested but I'm not sure if the problem is deeper than this.  We have lots of friends that my daughter has known all her life.  Many times, she will be fine with them and then other times they tell me know that she didn't speak a single word to them the whole time they were together.  At times, it even appears difficult for her to say 'hello'.  I have tried talking about it to my daughter many times but she really doesn't have any answers.  I don't know how I should proceed.  I'm afraid if I keep discussing it with my daughter that I will make it more pronounced versus just letting it go and hoping that she will grow out of it. But, I don't want to ignore it and risk her alienating all of her friends and family members if there is something that I could/should be doing in the meantime.  Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

To be frank, the behavior you describe is not really that unusual for  children this age. Their 'interest' in others is still dictated primarily by their need at the moment, so the expression of interest can vary from day to day and even within a day. For your mother, it's important not to personalize your daughter's behavior. The behavior likely has very little to do with your mother or father per se, and is more likely due to exactly the type of situation you describe in your note. Part of growing socially is developing an interest in others for their own sake, not simply because they may meet a need of ours at the moment. But this is a gradual process and is certainly not evident in most children the age of your daughter. Your sense that you should 'back off' the issue is accurate. Keep modeling and expecting sound behavior, and let development run its course.

[rusalka]

The doc is right, kids that age change their relationships all the time and when she withdraws maybe she feels overload and prefers her own company. When there is a lot of children around kids feel pressured to share,sometimes things are said you don't hear and they may not want to tell you about. 7 year olds tend to have secrets with each other or can handle their relationships.  The other thing is when kids are at school they don't get to play with their toys so much so enjoying her own toys and space is normal. Do you have other children?  Sometimes only children relate that way learning about relationships and prefer one special friend than a group.

[rusalka]

Sorry she is the oldest.  Another thing is, maybe she is seeking your attention.  Have sometimes just a mother and daughter day.  Things then may reveal themselves naturally.

[ladylove1]

hi i have a 7yr old daughterwho has an attitude thats so bad i try talkin to her and she stares straight through me its not even as though shes a naughty child i cant explain it either,recentley she cut my wires to the phone and the computer completley i disciplined her but she wasent concerned at all.she sees people on the street and uses attitude to them as well as rudness the worst part about it is that she also has a real problem with playing the girl who cried wolf with people and myself to i ts as though i do not know her i tell her all the time that she is a beautiful person and that i love her she tells me that if there was anything bothering her she would tell me but i dont think she would.. i feel really bad about not being in tune with her and somewher i am missing the point and it dosent help that i am the only person she has got and as a mother i feel lost sometimes in what i should do as i never had parentel guidence and so do not have anything to go by.