7 year old having problems with depression and separation anxiety

[Adey]

(I’ll try to keep this brief, if I leave out important facts needed to help my daughter…PLEASE ASK QUESTIONS!)
I have been divorced since my daughter was 18 months old and until 2 years ago she had little to no contact with her father, my ex husband. When we moved back to California after living in Hawaii for 5 years, because of stipulations set up in court, I called and gave him our local address. He then started to visiting with her, me dropping off and picking up. Then as time went on, he moved into a nicer place and my daughter had a room of her own so since things had been going well I allowed her to have overnight visits. Things were still fine except for my daughter’s (typical) desire for us all to live together. To say the least ..out of the question. So after 1 ½ years and a new girlfriend living with Dad, things went downhill fast. The new girlfriend is very clingy to my ex and very insecure. Even though it doesn’t even occur to me to get back together with him, I am viewed as a threat. My daughter started to pick up on all this energy and things got worse. After many accusatory statements from this woman, I stopped making such an effort for my daughter to visit them i.e. picking up or dropping off. The last straw was when my daughter came home very upset and told me that she no longer wanted to visit with “Sandy” and that the reason was that “Sandy” had threatened to take me to court over visitation with my daughter. Now mind you I have FULL custody and my ex only has scheduled visitation.    See part B

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

In the absence of Part B, I'll offer a suggestion. It might be beneficial to have a guardian ad litem appointed to assess the situation and make a recommendation to the probate court about how the visitation should proceed. Another option would be to obtain a consult with a pediatric mental health professional who is seasoned around divorce/custody matters, and discuss the situation.

[Adey]

Part B:
I reassured my daughter that I would change the visitation so that it was in our city (we live 30 miles or so away) with only her father. This was fine with her UNTIL her father started to use the “no Sandy” rule as a reason not to visit. He even went as far as to say to my daughter “*You* have just made it (visitation) too hard on me….” This devastated my daughter and for days after she had the following symptoms:
Bed-wetting
Vomiting (even though not sick with any virus)
Had MAJOR problems falling and staying asleep
Nightmares
Depression
We have since come to an agreement (my ex and I) that he can come to see her weekly in or around our home (this is after he stood her up 5 times in a row) but no visits with “Sandy” around.
Now my daughter, who misses her friends, her room, her toys, but expressly NOT the girlfriend, wants to visit over at Dad’s again. I am very uneasy about letting her be exposed to his girlfriend since she has no children of her own and has no idea what “age appropriate” means.
So….what should I do? I am taking her to a psychologist for the depression, that needs to be dealt with on an ongoing basis, but what about visits to Dad’s? If I say no I’m afraid she will resent me….but if it’s the best thing for her I guess I will just have to let her work out her resentment with her Psy???
I guess I’m just too close to the situation to see anything but my own worries and whatnot…any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Adey]

p.s. Our first visit with the psychologist is today, how can I get my daugher to be open and honest? Also should I tell the Doctor about these things in front of my daughter, or should I make it a point to have her out of the room?
Any and all advice or opinions are welcome :o)

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Now that I see Part B, the appointment of a guardian ad litem might indeed make sense. And it is OK, if the psychologist approves, to put the information on the table with you and your daughter present. The psychologist, of course, will have the opportunity to speak with your daughter alone. You cannot make your daughter open up. Simply be encouraging and supportive, provide the psychologist with good information, and then leave it up to them.

[kcakrk]

A related discussion, Seperation Anxiety & Depression was started.