7 year old needing to be the center of attention

My live-in boyfriend's daughter expressed to me that she doesn't like to share attention.  As the only child of divorced parents (a divorce precipitated by her mother's decline into severe mental illness), she has not only been the only child in the family for most of her life, but the pity everyone feels for her because of her sick mother leads them to set no limits in responding to her demands.  People will put down cups of coffee mid-sip if she says she wants to play with them, and they'll stop in the middle of a sentence if she talks to them, instead of telling her to wait to her turn.  Her mother is back in her life, and sets no limits on any of her behaviors.  His daugher told me that she doesn't want to share attention with her 4 month old cousin, and asked why he got all of the attention at a party, in his honor, marking a religious occasion--and why he had to have the party at all (notably, she was doted on by relatives and given gifts herself.)  It's good that she's in touch with her feelings, but what do we do about them?  (Especially because in the next couple of years, I hope to make her a big sister--and then she'd be sharing attention with someone daily.)

[margypops]

Did she actually come out and ask these questions or did you ask her what she thought was it you who posed the questions of her feelings ?

[specialmom]

Hm.  That is a tough one.  I like that she feels comfortable enough to tell YOU how she feels which means you've broken ground and she feels comfortable and bonded to you.  She also said competing with a cousin verses with you as some blended families actually have that between the child and new partner.  Yeah, you are not dealing with THAT!  

What IS hard here is that all of the people in her life up until now including her father have raised her a certain way.  Whether you agree with it or not, it has been her reality.  If you come in complaining about it and she knows that you are complaining about it----  you will become the person that she sees as taking away her place in the family.  Ya know what I mean?  Whether it is healthy for a child to be doted on like this or not, it IS how they've ALL set things up for her.  

Your best bet is to first of all, make sure you keep the open, friendly, welcoming relationship with her going and work "behind the scenes".  Talk to her dad and see where he is at with it.  You really can not control what others outside of your home do but being partners with her dad at home is a good start.  If he has no problem with it-------  you are not going to like what I say.  That is this---------  you would have a difficult time making this family cohesive and peaceful.  It would not be wise to enter into it long term based on future headache to come.  I hate to say that---------  but when we know things are going to be a fight and there is a kid involved, sometimes walking away is the best thing.  BUT . . . if he agrees that she needs to be more part of the family verses the doted upon center of attention, you can work on it together.  This does not mean putting her in her place but instead just working on her waiting until the grown ups are done talking.  That kind of thing.  Know that really, a LOT Of kids her age still have trouble with impulse control and interrupt, see themselves as the center of the universe, get jealous of others when it is not their turn to be the celebrity of the party or someone else gets a lot of 'stuff' they'd like, etc.  Her issues with it may be even more than normal due to the circumstances of her life.

Bringing me to that.  I know you are tired of hearing that she's had a bad deal in this as motherless daughters are a sad thing-----  I would try to remain empathetic to that.  Not so much to give her an excuse for bad behavior but because she's had signficant instability in her life (mother's disappearing, parents divorcing, etc.).  This can leave a mark on a child that takes some time to overcome.  Patience is the best remedy and if you handle her with love, you'll win out in the end.

So, hopefully dad will be on the same page with you about this and you can build a life that all will be happy in together.  good luck

[yn17]

Thanks for your responses!  As to the first, she is definitely comfortable talking to me and expressing her feelings on her own terms (bringing these things up when she wants to, but sometimes ignoring "How was your day?")  The context was my commenting on how my 2 cats have never been alone, and have always had to share attention.  She said, "Do I have to share the attention?"  When I asked her what she thought, I got the response above.  Her dad is happy that she's in touch with her feelings, but is definitely at the place where this is what their life is like and he's happy with it--I'm sure he feels a ton of guilt about everything.  He is definitely agreeable to changing certain things (like shutting the bedroom door so she can't walk right in without knocking), but as she is his little girl I do think he either stifles or is unaware of her capabilities--there are things she could be doing (both in terms of self care and self-control) that he does for her, and she is more than happy to be completely dependent on him (probably more than other kids, given how fragile her mother is.)  In addition, he believes that the attention his family pays her is because she was the only child and that "That's what gradnparents do", whereas they have admitted to me that they are extra careful because they feel bad for her.  I understand I need to work in the context that we have been given, and for what it's worth he and I see someone, and we are looking for a therapist for her who will allow us to be an active part of her counselling.
Thank you for your help!

[specialmom]

Hi,  Well, sounds like you are trying to move through these issues.  Although, I will say that my boys have never knocked before entering a room nor did I as a child.  I'm wondering if you have any kids of your own yet?  I ask that because once you have a baby, see them through toddlerhood, etc.----- some of my ideas changed.  Infants, toddlers, etc. usually have an open door policy with mom and dad.  And then when they are 5, 6, 7, etc.----------  it is becomes kind of the norm that everyone is comfortable with one another.  Now I've read on this forum (as to be honest, none of my friends run their home that way) that some view their bedroom as their private domain that shouldn't have any kids in it.  Maybe you'll feel that way after you have kids and maybe not.  (Ha---  you may end up sleeping with your infant which is not uncommon at all.)


So, I guess I am also reading something in your posts that tells me that maybe living with a child is new to you and that might be part of what is going on.

Anyway, hope it works out!!  STay on good terms with her as that makes things so much easier and work with dad privately to help the situation.  good luck

[RockRose]

I agree with Specialmom,  the tone of your posts sounds like someone who has never had kids and doesn't really all the way "get" how kids mature and behave.  

I don't think if you go on to have a baby this will be very comfortable.  He will have "his" child,  you will have "yours",  and it will be an everlasting struggle between the two of you which child should get all the attention.  Yours,  or his.

Take awhile to read through the stepparenting forum.   The way you feel about her,  and the way he feels about her,  don't mesh at all,  and you are destined to have a mighty struggle if you ignore that reality and have a baby despite signs that this is going to cause real friction.