7 year old son cries every morning

[Jane]

My 7 year old son is in 1st grade and is very bright.  The problem is that he cries excessively every morning before going to school.  I have talked to him about it and he says he loves his teacher and 1st grade, but hates afterschool care.  I have talked to his teacher and she says he cries on and off all day, but manages to get his work done, and done correctly at that.  He has always been a sensitive child, but he usually adjusts to changes within a few days.  We are now on out 3rd week of this behavior and I am at my wits end.  Could he possibly have seperation anxiety? And if so what are some suggestions to help him?

Thanks - Jane

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Jane,

Yes, your son might be displaying separation anxiety. It is encouraging that he's doing well in his work. As time proceeds, he'll probably adjust fine and cease the sad response that seems to accompany his separation from you. It's still very early in the new school year. You can help him by patiently supporting his school attendance, and demonstrating an understanding, accepting stance toward the sadness he feels. Let him know how proud you are of his accomplishments, but do not display a negative or disapproving reaction to his sadness.

[yvonnek]

Jane- Two thoughts from another Mom
A friend had a similar problem with her son.  This worked for them.  Everyday for a week, the boy had to smile when he got to aftercare, even if he didn't feel much like smiling.  After a week, he discovered that it wasn't such a bad place.  
Have you spoken to the aftercare provider to ensure that the older kids aren't picking on your son?  My son was the one of only 2 kindergarteners in aftercare last year.  Sometimes the older kids played too rough.  My son handled it by letting the provider know when he felt that he was in over his head.

[Jane]

Thanks for your help to both the doctor and Yvonne.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will get better with time.  I have talked to the aftercare workers and they say he tells them he just misses his mom.

[Ann]

Hi. I am giving you a reply that may not be popular but which I find is true. I am a mother of two children, 10 and 12, and also a postpartum doula and so have experience with many stages of a child's life. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps after care is not right for your child? From my experience of my children's friends, the ones who have extended days away from their parents are very stressed and rather unhappy children. I do not believe that children were meant to be away from their families for such long periods of time. Perhaps you can make other arrangements  and change some things in your life instead of expecting your child to adjust. Just because our society is pushing this kind of care doesn't mean that it is right. There are many of us parents out here who believe this.Sacrifices are worthwhile to give your child a better emotional life. Try reading mothering magazine for a more holistic point of view. Good luck.

[Emily Ann]

I have to agree with the last posting. Remember how carefree it was as a child to come home, slam your books on the table, see you Mom,have a snack  and run out to play ? We are cheating our children of the stability and sense of security that goes with being on "his/her own turf" . You may consider hiring a loving caretaker to be at your home after school. School is your child's version of work and by extending his day so long, you are making him work "overtime". I am not trying to be critical of you , only offer you a frank opinion.

[Jane]

First of all, to the people who do not like my choices, quitting my job is not an option.  I am a teacher, so it is not like my son is at after school care until 6:30 every night.  Usually I pick him up by 3:30, and no later than 4:00.  I have tried the "loving caretaker at my home" approach and the problem with that is it is not dependable.  I have a job that is not simple to just call in sick because my babysitter is sick.  (I have no problem with calling in when my children are sick, so don't go there).  Also, if I did call in every time my caretaker couldn't make it, how would that look to the parents of my students?  I am assuming that you have children in school and what would you think of your child's teacher if she was always gone?  Second, I feel more comfortable with afterschool care than just hiring someone off the street to care for my children.  Maybe you remember Louise Woodward the British Au Pair?  And the other many cases of abuse that occur when there is not another adult watching over the caretakers.  Thanks for opinions, but what I am really looking for is help.

[Cheryl]

Jane,

Good for you, I am a working mother of an 8 yr old having an anxiety problem going to school. I have been trying to work with teachers and principals meeting with them daily to try and come to some conclusion of my son's anxiety.  He seems to have a problem this time every year, the anxiety of a new teacher, new work, new expectations, new rules.  My pediatrician told me to try to be as calm as I can, be consistant with what you say and do, make sure he goes to school everyday because this is what is expected of him. He also said sometimes they themselves don't understand what is wrong, but they know they don't feel right about something.  They cannot be held responsible for something they do not understand.   The afterschool is not really the issue, he is not there long enough for it to be.  That is by far the safest place for him to be if he can't be with you!  

My son attends the afterschool program and he loves to be a "helper" so they ask him to help them get out snack, help the younger kids get settled, this makes him feel like he has helped and accomplished something.

This anxiety usually subsides within a few weeks however, this year I have an unsupportive teacher, so I am working with the principal and others in the school to help my son adjust.  Most schools are very helpful in this situation if you express your concern, also if there is a friend they can agree to meet with afterschool that would be helpful also.   I hope this is helpful to you I too am at my wits end with what to do about this, thats why I came to this website.  Just try to love and support your child the best you can, proof of being here means you do love him.

Hang in there!!!!  Cheryl