7 years old daughter's aggressive behavior

[mom000]

We are a happy family; me, my husband and a 71/2 years old daughter. In most situations, she is co-operative, bright, confident and friendly.  She does excellent in school. Her nature is bossy. The problem arises when she throws a tantrum. She is doing this since she was small. Initially I used to control her by giving a new toy or something nice to eat. But now during fits she does not accept anything.

Issue may arise out of very small thing like an ice-lolly or school work or if she misses someone or more often when we are coming back after visiting her grandparents. She says bad words during this; like she won't talk to me for her whole life, or she knows that she is very bad in keeping promises, or leave her alone, or she will never stop srying or she will not go to her hometown and much more.

I would like to mention here that since she was 6, we used to live in a different city without her father. We had a good relationship. His father used to come home on alternate weekends. In those days I thought her tantrums were normal as she was small and in the back mind I had that she might be missing her father. When she was 6 years old I and my daughter moved at my husband’s place. Now we visit her grandparents (her old home) twice a month.  
Now if she throws a tantrum nothing seems normal. As she should not miss anybody and she is getting older. I have tried everything. Hugging her, giving her whatever she wants, scaring what others will say about her behavior.

She starts anywhere in her own room, or her grandparent’s house. After tantrum is over she feel really embarrassed of what she has done. It is difficult for her to face others including his father. If I sit down to talk about her behavior she understands things and promises not to do this again. She says sorry but frequency is increasing.

Kindly teach me in detail how I should deal with this her. Keep in mind that in my town there is no facility of child psychiatrist or any other socio-behavioral help.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Your management of this behavior has been lacking, and in a snese you have reinforced your daughter for this type of behavior. You are correct in thinking that is primarily you, not her, who has to change if this is to improve. A straightforward guide can be found in Lynn Clark's book SOS Help for Parents (see sosprograms.com). If you adhere to this plan you will see definite improvement.