7 yr old grl w/ sleep separation anxiety

[TammyJean619]

Hi, my daughter is 7 and has severe sleep separation anxiety.  She has slept with us pretty much her whole life (with many failed attempts to get her in her own room).  She will break down in tears because she does not want to be away from me (mom)  and she would even be content for me to sleep in her room with her.  She is very attached to me (I am a stay at home mom) and she also nursed til 2 1/2...which really created that bond to start.  She has told me that I (mom) don't know what it is like to have to sleep alone because I have daddy to sleep with.  I ask her what she feels when I am not there and she says she feels alone and sad.  She has some anxiety with going to school and has cried several times when I had to leave as well if I have left for the weekend she breaks down.  She has been like this even as a baby (because I constantly held her) and when we do get her to stay in her room she wakes 5 times and calls for me and has frequent nightmares (none when I am present though).  We have tried everything from (an all girly room), to discipline, reward, and I am not sure what the best approach is.  My husband wants our bed back (as our 4 yr old is starting to form these same habits) I can see she is very distraught and have considered counseling for the separation anxiety.  I feel like Dad and I are taking two different approaches (mine positive route and his negative and taking things away from her).  What do you feel is the most effective approach as I do want to not further this anxiety by taking the wrong approach.  This is many years of this behavior that we allowed and I feel it in unfair to punish her for choices we made and allowed to happen.  So I am hoping for a gentile and effective way to handle this.  Thanks for any help you can offer.
~Tammy

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You are correct in your sense that to a great extent you have 'taught' your daughter to feel that she needs your presence at night. Now, alongside that it does appear that she has a legitimate anxiety disorder, and this should be treated by a combination of therapy and medication. On your own, you can follow the guidelines in Richard Ferber's revised book Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems, but it would be best to do this in conjunction with therapy. It goes without saying that you and your husband have to be 'on the same page' if you are going to make progress.

[TammyJean619]

Thanks for the advice...I will check that book out and will also look into getting an appt with a child psychologist or counselor through Kaiser. I appreciate your quick response!
Regards,
~Tammy