7yr old having trouble coping in group activities such as gym,teams,games

[bradybrady]

My 7yr old boy has trouble managing his feelings when something doesn't go his way. If there is competition or he feels he isn't good at something he completely shuts down...clenched fists,growls. At its worst, he'll sometimes lash out,tantrums, throws things, and mostly walks off and will not participate. This has gone on for years, from learning to use scissors in preschool at age 3 to recently joining a soccer team. We encourage allot of self-esteem at home, and he is academically intellegent,we have him enrolled in a french immersion program and he does well in a 1/2 split. Of course, academics at this age is not whats necessarily important. His older brother is 10, and is not as good academically, yet thrives in every sport, so I do see him feeling inferior and we are very sensitive to it. We have tried many things, including enrolling him in an anger management course they offer at the school. Again, he's very smart, so recites the correct approach, and Lord knows we go over it calmly with him several times a week, or day...its becoming very frustrating to be patient at times, as we feel at age 3-5 it was one thing,your hoping its that "stage" he will grow out of, yet at 7, there is no slowing down....and now, there are times when bad language is being introduced as he is hearing it on the playground or bus at school. It affects us greatly when considering having him join group activities, quite frankly, we are now avoiding it, which I feel is wrong, he is not only missing out,but not developing socially the way we feel he should. So we are at a loss, do we punish everyone and keep forcing him to join these teams, it seems so unfair to the coaches and team-mates who have to devote extra effort to his tantrums, which of late, we have just decided to not go. We constantly tell him its not how good he is, its the effort, and if he's not having fun or willing to go and participate, then we won't go. He is doing more individual things like swimming. At times in music and gym at school they have noted problems as well, sometimes if no one is listening to him or disagreeing with him this behaviour occurs as well....he seems quick to the drama. I fear if we do not have this under control soon, it will escalate with age, not disappear and the tantrums will result in much worse. He is such a loving boy, very good when he's good and jekyl and hyde moments are wearing us down....we want to know the right approach, I don't wish to have him in therapy and make him feel outcasted and make the problem worse, yet I don't want to ignore it either.We aren't sure what our next step is, but we all feel it's time for a  change. For the most part he gets along with the kids at school, there will be that one that's like oil and water, so we have worked on that and he seems to manage that ok now.The program at school is called "Seeing Red", and helps them recognize and learn coping mechanisms, yet in the heat of the moment it doesn't always work.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The program at school is exactly the sort of intervention that might help. There are also group treatment programs that use recreational activities themselves as the forum for treatment. The kids participate in whatever activity is planned for that day, and the responses the kids display are then used, on the spot, for intervention. So, if a child 'blows up' at some point in the activity, the activity is interrupted and the response is discussed and alternative behaviors are identified. On the behavior management front, you can work with coaches to arrange a plan whereby your son is allowed to play only as long as he is managing his emotions well. If he shows inappropriate expressions of anger, he is made to leave the game for that day. You can adopt the same approach when you are supervising him in some activity. The message is: "You can play as long as you're handling yourself well."

[dmcshe]

I have a 7 year old daughter who displays similar traits. She is actually very good at sports and has been in Soccer and TBall, where she exhibits talent, however she doesn't like it for whatever reason. She causes issues on the team, tells the coach she hates it, and doesn't get the whole "team" idea. Its as if she is one against the world. She at times, can be outwardly aggressive towards other teammates.

Academically she is right where she needs to be, but socially and emotionally, we don't know what is going on. We try to boost her esteem, but she is having some difficulties right now with her peers. Not always but every so often. Her teacher suggested I see a social skills therapist which I will be doing starting tomorrow. The teacher is worried that when she reacts like this, her peer group pulls away from her and that could be a problem down the road.

I feel the same way, - I think she would be so much happier if she were developing better socially.

[Chellea]

A related discussion, 8yrs old having trouble with groups and transitions was started.