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8 Year old ADHD/ADD child acts like 4 year old deliberately disobeys
Hello,
My stepdaughter consistently proves to be a huge pain, her father and I correct her behavior often and frankly, we are both exhausted. We dealt recently with her stealing at school, then she left her hat and gloves out on the park but blamed three children for stealing them, later after all the problems and the children being suspended she admitted they didn't do anything, and replied that she didn't care if they got in trouble.
Most of this behavior she mirrors off her mother, who is diagnosed with personality disorder. She will outright lie compulsively, even though she knows if she tells the truth she won't get in as much trouble depending on what she did. She mouths off, just recently she was taking forever to get her pajamas on, purposely wasting time. When confronted she said she didn't care that I told her to get them on. I had her put on a different shirt and she went into a screaming, throwing punches, kicking, stomping of feet fit. She has a habit of throwing herself around and banging her hands and feet against the floor. She will yell, tell us her punishment isn't fair. Tell us she hates us, hates it here, doesn't like us, I don't want you as my mommy. Things like that. I know they all come from her mother, because I never posed myself as her stepmother, she just calls me by my name.
We started with time outs when she was younger, she had less time with her mom but more supervised time. She was a great little girl except for a few temper tantrums, normal for her age at the time. Used to have her stand on one foot, in the corner if she intentionally broke something or was destructive, mannerisms of her mothers. When she turned 6 she started spending over nights with her mother, when we moved 60 miles away her days became weeks and suddenly she was spending the whole summer with her mother according to the parenting plan.
Timeouts no longer worked, because her mother used them for the wrong reasons. So, then I turned back to my old roots popping on the foot. My mother did it with me and dad too, I learned my lesson and grew up smart. The pop on the foot worked for a few months, then that too became unusable. We turned to standing on the wall, but she would mouth off and stomp her feet, hit the wall, kick it and do anything she could to make us come over to her. Finally we stopped coming over and just left her alone. I had to wait two hours once before she finally decided to stop screaming and pitching a fit.
Our last resort was a blessing and a curse, running. She was getting ready to start soccer and we figured if she ran she would stay in shape and learn something. Soon that too became irrelevant and here we are.
It is important to note that she is given three chances to do something, tell the truth or admit to what she did wrong. I believe in spanking, but as a last resort. By spanking I do not mean repeated smacks to their buttocks, I mean three or four controlled spankings with clear intentions. We always make sure she knows why she is in trouble. She simply does not care. I have warned her I would not tolerate her lying any longer, her response? "I don't care"
I am open to any ideas or suggestions, rewards do not work, she will get her reward and turn around and do the same thing over again. Cry pitch a fit, then say she wants to be good, I'm sorry but we've heard time after time. She never means it, she just wants to get out of trouble. (not that I blame her for that)
Help?
My stepdaughter consistently proves to be a huge pain, her father and I correct her behavior often and frankly, we are both exhausted. We dealt recently with her stealing at school, then she left her hat and gloves out on the park but blamed three children for stealing them, later after all the problems and the children being suspended she admitted they didn't do anything, and replied that she didn't care if they got in trouble.
Most of this behavior she mirrors off her mother, who is diagnosed with personality disorder. She will outright lie compulsively, even though she knows if she tells the truth she won't get in as much trouble depending on what she did. She mouths off, just recently she was taking forever to get her pajamas on, purposely wasting time. When confronted she said she didn't care that I told her to get them on. I had her put on a different shirt and she went into a screaming, throwing punches, kicking, stomping of feet fit. She has a habit of throwing herself around and banging her hands and feet against the floor. She will yell, tell us her punishment isn't fair. Tell us she hates us, hates it here, doesn't like us, I don't want you as my mommy. Things like that. I know they all come from her mother, because I never posed myself as her stepmother, she just calls me by my name.
We started with time outs when she was younger, she had less time with her mom but more supervised time. She was a great little girl except for a few temper tantrums, normal for her age at the time. Used to have her stand on one foot, in the corner if she intentionally broke something or was destructive, mannerisms of her mothers. When she turned 6 she started spending over nights with her mother, when we moved 60 miles away her days became weeks and suddenly she was spending the whole summer with her mother according to the parenting plan.
Timeouts no longer worked, because her mother used them for the wrong reasons. So, then I turned back to my old roots popping on the foot. My mother did it with me and dad too, I learned my lesson and grew up smart. The pop on the foot worked for a few months, then that too became unusable. We turned to standing on the wall, but she would mouth off and stomp her feet, hit the wall, kick it and do anything she could to make us come over to her. Finally we stopped coming over and just left her alone. I had to wait two hours once before she finally decided to stop screaming and pitching a fit.
Our last resort was a blessing and a curse, running. She was getting ready to start soccer and we figured if she ran she would stay in shape and learn something. Soon that too became irrelevant and here we are.
It is important to note that she is given three chances to do something, tell the truth or admit to what she did wrong. I believe in spanking, but as a last resort. By spanking I do not mean repeated smacks to their buttocks, I mean three or four controlled spankings with clear intentions. We always make sure she knows why she is in trouble. She simply does not care. I have warned her I would not tolerate her lying any longer, her response? "I don't care"
I am open to any ideas or suggestions, rewards do not work, she will get her reward and turn around and do the same thing over again. Cry pitch a fit, then say she wants to be good, I'm sorry but we've heard time after time. She never means it, she just wants to get out of trouble. (not that I blame her for that)
Help?
Since your daughter's behaviors could be directly or indirectly compounded by her mother's personality disorder and modelling of inappropriate behavior, I think that you have no choice but to have your daughter evaluated by a mental health professional. The mental health therapist could be instrumental in drawing your daughter's mother into the therapy process so that you both are on the same game when it comes to discipline.
Additionally, it would be appropriate to rule out a personality disorder in your daughter.
Additionally, it would be appropriate to rule out a personality disorder in your daughter.
standing on the wall worked n she eventually got it....why did u give that up? u have to b constant, and unwavering
u described me, though my parents didnt have a PD
have u thought of therapy
CBT to be exact
get her help now, set boundaries even if she fights...i fought my boundaries parents gave up on boundaries....deep down i wanted them, badly
I would smoke weed and eat a ton of pills b4 going home praying they would care, i know they did, I was 14....they didnt know what to do w me....
dont ever give up, flip our, or let her know how frustrated u are....
have u thought of therapy
CBT to be exact
get her help now, set boundaries even if she fights...i fought my boundaries parents gave up on boundaries....deep down i wanted them, badly
I would smoke weed and eat a ton of pills b4 going home praying they would care, i know they did, I was 14....they didnt know what to do w me....
dont ever give up, flip our, or let her know how frustrated u are....
WOW!! Sandman said everything that could be said.
I just wanted to drop in and lend support! You are not alone in this and I truly believe your breakthrough with her is right around the corner.. ADHD can be controlled through medication and understanding it is half the battle. Congratulations to you for reaching out! I am here if you want /need to talk.
I just wanted to drop in and lend support! You are not alone in this and I truly believe your breakthrough with her is right around the corner.. ADHD can be controlled through medication and understanding it is half the battle. Congratulations to you for reaching out! I am here if you want /need to talk.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, wow! I am glad I saw this! I am also the CL on the ADHD forum - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175 - where this really belongs. But, its not unusual to see posts like this on this forum - which is one reason that I started monitoring this forum years ago.
First, thank you for taking the time to write such a lengthy post. It shows how much you care and also how troubling this is for you!
This is the type of post I do see on this forum. But usually the parents don't know that the child has ADHD and can't figure out why the child is acting so bad. They have usually tried everything they can think of - and nothing works. They are going crazy trying to help someone they love, but who only at times seems to love them. And it goes on and on.
As you have plainly stated - nothing seems to be working for you. The reason is pretty simple. Most of the things you have tried work very well for someone without ADHD. And as you have found out - it doesn't work for kids with ADHD. What it does do is to drive the kids and the parents farther and farther apart.
I have tons of information that can help you, but I need to know a few things first to help me help you.
Is she on medication? How is she doing at school? Both grade wise and social wise? Does she have either a 504 plan or an IEP? Is she under the care of any doctor who clues you into how you can help her and if so - what kind of a doctor is it?
I do get the feeling that you are not very aware of what ADHD is and how it affects kids. I only say that because literally all of the things that you listed above are pretty standard stuff for a child with ADHD.
I would highly suggest that you buy the book, "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley. Its around $12 on Amazon. It will really answer a lot of your questions above. And a good general website to read which also has a ton of information is - http://www.help4adhd.org/en/about/what/WWK1
Oh, in rereading your post again. I do have one very important question.
You mentioned that she "was taking forever to get her pajamas on,". Does this happen a lot. Does she have any other problems with clothes or textures or the taste of things? I just want to rule out SIDS (Sensory Integration disorder).
This is something that is can be changed. It sounds like you are ready!
First, thank you for taking the time to write such a lengthy post. It shows how much you care and also how troubling this is for you!
This is the type of post I do see on this forum. But usually the parents don't know that the child has ADHD and can't figure out why the child is acting so bad. They have usually tried everything they can think of - and nothing works. They are going crazy trying to help someone they love, but who only at times seems to love them. And it goes on and on.
As you have plainly stated - nothing seems to be working for you. The reason is pretty simple. Most of the things you have tried work very well for someone without ADHD. And as you have found out - it doesn't work for kids with ADHD. What it does do is to drive the kids and the parents farther and farther apart.
I have tons of information that can help you, but I need to know a few things first to help me help you.
Is she on medication? How is she doing at school? Both grade wise and social wise? Does she have either a 504 plan or an IEP? Is she under the care of any doctor who clues you into how you can help her and if so - what kind of a doctor is it?
I do get the feeling that you are not very aware of what ADHD is and how it affects kids. I only say that because literally all of the things that you listed above are pretty standard stuff for a child with ADHD.
I would highly suggest that you buy the book, "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley. Its around $12 on Amazon. It will really answer a lot of your questions above. And a good general website to read which also has a ton of information is - http://www.help4adhd.org/en/about/what/WWK1
Oh, in rereading your post again. I do have one very important question.
You mentioned that she "was taking forever to get her pajamas on,". Does this happen a lot. Does she have any other problems with clothes or textures or the taste of things? I just want to rule out SIDS (Sensory Integration disorder).
This is something that is can be changed. It sounds like you are ready!
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