8 year old can't get along with classmates

[archmom]

My 8 year old daughter is in the 3rd grade, but has had these type of problems since she was about 4. She cannot seem to get along with her peers. She does well with other adults and younger children, and this is a behavior we do not see at home. Adult friends and relatives are surprised when I tell them that we are having these problems with her. She is always polite and compliant with adults. However, she is apparently rude to classmates, often impatient and bossy and has been known to hit, kick, push etc. those with whom she is fighting. She is frequently described as "bossy". I have seen little glimpses of this behavior when she has friends over to play, but it never escalates to the type of problems that she apparently has at school, although I don't doubt that she is capable of the horrible behavior seen at school.

She is in the gifted program at her school and has been since kindergarten. She is extremely bright, reads several grade levels above her own, yet seems to have difficulty focusing on things that do not "interest" her. She will read or draw for hours, but is unable (or unwilling) to do other things if she doesn't feel like it, yet her academic grades remain good. I have been told that she does not appear to be ADHD, although that diagnosis would not surprise me.

We have been taking away privileges (TV, computer, candy, playing with friends etc.), allowing her to "earn" them back when we get a good report from her teacher at the end of the week. This usually causes the behavior to improve for a few weeks, but gradually she reverts to her old ways.

I have noticed that, not surprisingly, she seems to have few real friends,just one or two other girls. She frequently tells us that "so and so made me mad and I don't like her any more", or "she/he was bothering me and wouldn't stop". She is overly sensitive and intollerant of little things, like someone tapping a pencil near her, sniffing, etc. She will say things like "I asked him to stop and he didn't when he knew I didn't like it and it bothered me". She thinks that everyone's inadvertant acts are directed at her and expects everyone to do exactly what she tells them to. I have tried to explain that she needs to ignore this stuff, but she is unable/unwilling to do so.

We have discussed with her the "repuation" she is developing and the consequences of her actions. She gets hurt when she realizes that she is frequently left out and is ostracized by her classmates.

We are not sure what else to do! Should we discuss this with her pediatrician, a pshychologist/psychiatrist? Are there tests that can be done that will help us figure out the best course of action? We are at our wits end!

Thanks for any insight you can give us.

[ellielou]

get her checked by a proffesional ,have you read about asperger syndrome?

tracey

[ellielou]

i would have her checked by a professional.have you read up on aspergers syndrome?

tracey

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Here are a couple of suggestions. First, your idea of having her privileges contingent on appropriate behavior is sound, but I'd recommend you do so twenty-four hours at a time vs extending the time over a week. For example, she might 'earn' her TV time by receiving a positive report for that day. Each day she wakes up is a 'new' day and an opportunity to reinforce the sort of behavior you are seeking. Second, an evaluation by a child psychologist would be sensible. One of the treatment options might be a social skills group or social problem-solving group for children. This is the type of therapy that might be most useful because it places the child in the very situation the child finds problematic. There really are no tests that would be particularly useful for this sort of problem.