OK.. I have seen similar thread and situations over reading this site but I Have to put my story into the mix. I am a single mom of a 8 year who shares her daughter with her father who is remarried. its bares mentioning we parent VERY differently. In my home my focus is conflict resolution, talking it out, looking for alternative solutions as opposed to her fathers disciplinary tactics of TIME outs, spankings and intimidation About 18 months ago my daughter (then 7) was caught playing doctor two separate times when she was in the care of her father and step mom. Both time my daughter was unsupervised and both incidences were with boys. one a slightly younger boy and another a 2 year old. Why she was having a play date with a two year old after this had happened before and they were so upset is beyond me but that's besides the point. They were mortified by this behavior and even more so after the first time they thought they had handled the situation appropriately by spanking and punishing her to get the message across. . The only incident that remotely resembles something like this in my home is prior to these events my daughter was having a play date with a child I didn't know that well in my home. I overhear that they wanted to play with the doctor kit we had and after a few minutes it felt a little too quiet in the room. So it was at that time I felt checking on them was warranted again not knowing this little girl or her family that well. I could see that the play looked somewhat suspect or heading that way so I felt it was the RIGHT TIME to have a calm clear conversation with both girls about safe play and respecting others bodies and boundaries etc. My chat with them was in my mind appropriate and the girls seemed fine. the DOCTORO play lasted maybe 3 minutes more after I left the room (door left open) and they went on to others things. it was about 4 months later that the other two events occurred.
I was assured that my daughters curiosity was in the NORMAL range and she did understand after our conversation what was appropriate and to appropriate play. I also got some age appropriate books for her and we had subsequent conversations here and there offering her opportunities to ask questions etc.
the episodes her her fathers were upsetting to them and after the second event they took my daughter to the pediatrician to share their concerns.. he is the custodial parent and makes medical decisions. following that we have ended up in a counselors office the past 9 months and my kid has gone through testing for ADHD etc.. all not my choice and not what I would have done if I had been the custodial parent. our co parenting circumstances are NIL and after 8 years it continues to be a high conflict situation which might be a part of this.
my daughter was traumatized by the way she was handled at her fathers house with respect to what I was assured and even assured by her counselor that this was normal child developmental curiosity.
well for the past several months there have been no other incidents with my daughter in my home or as far as I know in thiers until last week in school. My daughter was caught in the boys bathroom with another boy classmate during class time. The normal teacher was out and the sub communicated this event to my daughters step mom. of course my first FEAR worrying how they will be handling this situation with my daughter in their home but I realize i have not control there. My question is that is it normal that even after being told more than once this is inappropriate play and months later she acts out again in this way and even more aggressively at her school. The teacher told me that is must have been a mutually consented upon conspiracy. My daughter is very submissive and not aggressive at all but is gaining some ground in confidence. I have to add this is a new school to her beginning this year. again not my choice to transition her. so lots of changes and conflict in my kids life and my focus has been to provide lots of support and open communication. she is at her fathers until next week so I have not had the chance to even speak with her about this manner.
The school is handling is appropriately bu having a bathroom buddy go with her and the little boy separately durign school time. no big deals, no shaming just these are the rules. How it is being spoken to and handled at her dads house which is with shame concerns me but more I want to know if this repeated outburst is normal. again Don't even know if anything Happened but there was a plan made by both kids to "meet up" in th boys bathroom to play doctor" at least that was what the teacher reported to me. any offers of support or suggestions and insight in appreciated.
Interesting. I taught in elementary schools for years and also was a principal. Don't ever recall this happening. Kinda makes me wonder how they got caught. As a teacher I would never let two boys or two girls go to the bathroom at the same time cause they would play around on the way. Never worried about a boy and girl going at the same time - and that was with 5th graders. If this was with 5th graders I would be more concerned. Really not so much at this age level.
The school seems to be handling this correctly.
I would guess that the little boy was more the instigator - especially if your daughter is submissive. And if she is new to the school and trying to make friends it would make her more susceptible to his suggestions. But who knows? By the teachers report, she must have questioned the kids to find out what was going on - and the accuracy of that is also suspect. I think the main thing is that the teacher is obviously aware of what is or could go on, and will keep a watchful eye out. I doubt that there will be a problem again.
Personal opinion is that I would offer your daughter support if she needs it. Ask her if she wants to talk about it (but not immediately). Drop it if she doesn't. I would also let your ex know that you feel comfortable with what the school is doing and that he does not need to punish in any way. She very well could have been the victim here.
By the way, you mentioned "repeated incidents". If I read your post correctly these incidents were at least 18 months apart. In child time, that is an eternity and certainly not "repeated". Hopefully this helps. Best wishes.
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