8-year-old lying, stealing, showing no remorse

[tiffbrashear]

I currently have custody of my 8-year-old neice who has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), ADHD, Sexual reactivity, and depression. I have had her for the past two years now and she has numerous resources at her disposal. She, lately, has been lying, stealing, and doing things to physically harm herself, though some things aren't major, some things are. I have tried to instill in her what can happen with lying and stealing and have often times addressed the self harming behavior but they all still continue. When she does things against others or herself she shows no guilt or remorse at all and seems to not have a conscience. She has a very strong "I don't care" attitude and doesn't seem to change. The last time I spoke with her therapist, she brushed it all off as age appropriate behavior. In her situation, she comes from a home of sexual abuse and mental illness. She is on medication, but nothing seems to be helping. She is also wetting the bed nightly and no amount of medicine, discipline, or anything seems to work. I feel like I have tried every avenue available to help her, but I'm feeling at a loss. She also doesn't seem to want to get any help for the things that are affecting her. If anyone has any advice, please send it my way. I'm very frustrated and don't know what to do.

[tiffbrashear]

I have considered seeking support from other RAD parents, but in my area, that is very limited. It took us months to find the specialist we did and now she is no longer working with her due to various circumstances.

I'm not trying to approach this like she is an average child. I know she is far from it. I know she has issues and what not and will continue to have them, more than likely, for the rest of her life. I am just trying to seek advice from others who do know about RAD and the other disorders she has been diagnosed with and see if this is a "normal" part of the disorders or if it could be something more that is underlying.

[RockRose]

tiff,  did you consider seeking help and support from other parents with RAD children?  

I think you're trying to approach this as if you have an average child,  who now is lying and stealing.

[tiffbrashear]

I don't know if it is normal. She went to the same therapist for almost 2 years and she was talking at first, but then eventually just shut down and wouldn't talk to anyone. When you would ask her a question she would just say, "I don't know", instead of actually telling how she feels. I think I have a pretty good picture of what is normal for her since having her for the past 2 years. I don't think that is the issue. It's just getting her to talk about her issues that is the problem. She doesn't want to get help no matter how many people try to help her; and I know the harder you try the harder it is to get anything out. I'm just at a loss.

[Sumanadevii]

Discipline for a ten year old wetting the bed?  No, something is wrong with this picture.  Considering her background?  I would say she is acting normal for her.  If she is lying and stealing maybe she is sending a message to you?  Have you just talked to her?  Like why did you steal that?  Maybe she feels you won't allow this or that so she just takes care of herself?  Then lies because she knows she will be in trouble.

I think it is wonderful you would take on the task of a child that has been through so much but I think you need to have a understanding of what normal is going to be for her.  Maybe her therapist can spend more time explaining?  I do wish you the best.  You haven't choosen something easy.

[RockRose]

tiff,  bless you for taking your niece in.  

RAD is so difficult.    For some kids, it seems hopeless.  Since they don't feel a part of the human community, it's impossible to reach them because the normal motivators - being liked,  being respected,  having a loving relationship with a teacher or parent,   being popular,  don't matter at all to these kids.  It should be called detachment disorder.  They are completely detached from humans.

With the influx of kids adopted overseas from orphanages,  there are a lot of support groups for parents here in the US with RAD.  Have you tried to find support for yourself?

Best wishes.   I think it would be easier to have a child in a wheelchair or with down's syndrome than with RAD.  It's just so difficult.