8 year old step-daughter lies, steals and sneaks food.

My husband and I have a daughter together that just turned 3 a week ago.  I have 4 step-children from my husband.  He has joint custody with his ex.  2 girls and 2 boys.  The youngest of my step-children is almost 9.

To be fair, there have been many changes in these children's lives over the last 4 years.  Behavioral issues at this point are completely understandable, but I don't personally think excusable.  It has been 4 years since my husband and I began our relationship.  It has been a long road, but the children and I get along very well, and they love their 3 year old sister, and have since I had her.  

The problem we are currently facing is this:  While normally a very loving, and respectful 9 year old girl, my youngest step-daughter seems to have a continuing problem with lying, stealing and sneaking pretty much everything.  

She has had, since i've known her, a problem with overeating (which we have attributed to the divorce/separation of her mother and father).  Her sneaking started out with food.  I would catch her taking candy, gum, etc upstairs to her room and would later find stashes of food items in there (it was causing an ant problem which lead to my discovery).  She has been talked to about that, and we try in a healthy way to curb her need to "constantly eat".  My husband isn't quite as diligent with this as I am, and that's a small problem for me.  We have tried influencing her with good food, but also explaining that eating healthy food, doesn't mean she can still eat all the time.  I clearly believe her need to constantly eat stems from emotional issues that I still don't think have been sorted out from her parents divorce, but trying to convince my husband of that is a chore.  Regardless, my almost 9 year old sd is lying, and stealing from other members of the family.  It started a year or so ago, when we would catch her lying about "little things", that would be addressed, but quickly dismissed.  It has now escalated to the point where she has stolen my jewelry, makeup and lies about it when asked, and then miraculously the "stolen items" show up somewhere a couple hours later.  I personally have an issue with "invasion of privacy" as I see it.  At 9, I believe they know the difference between right and wrong, and this should not be tolerated.  My husband sees it as "typical kid behavior" and while he'll address it, no punishment is rendered.  She is now stealing toys and such from my daughter who is 3, who is slowly starting to realize that this is happening.  My daughter just turned 3 a week ago, and my family is very generous with her as she is the only grandchild/niece they have to dote on.  However, I would say that it is definitely not over the top.  She received some nice clothes, a few nice toys (barbies, polly pockets etc) and a couple dress-up outfits.  What my husband and I do for ALL the kids is adequate and fair for how many there are.  Our daughter never gets more from us than the other children do.  The problem is my step-kids mother would rather spend her money on frivilous things (not for the children) than she does on necessities.  The kids toys, clothes etc mostly come from hand me downs or garage sales.  Most of the 9 yr olds toys etc come from garage sales or the dollar store.  The quantity of things she is constantly getting from her mother is excessive, tho quality is low.  I don't know whether this is a "spoiled" situation, or "deprived" situation, but the 9 year old is constantly sneaking and stealing our 3 yr olds stuff.  Last night I caught her taking one of my daughters new toys from her bday and right in front of me tried sneaking it in her pillow case up to her room when it was bedtime.  When I caught her, she tried to manipulate the situation by distracting me with something else, and when that didn't work and I persisted she ran upstairs and threw the toy in her toy box (like I wasn't going to know?) and when I told her I knew she had done that, she grabbed the toy, said "fine.  i'll put it back" and ran back downstairs with it.  I addressed it with her, and told her that I knew this wasn't the first time this had happened, and that it was wrong, and that it wasn't fair to other people in the house that they couldn't trust her not to take their things.  I told her it made me feel bad to automatically think of her everytime something came up missing and I didn't want to have to do that.  She never apologized.  Just said ok and went up to bed.  I told my husband and all I get is "She's 8.  It's not personal."  While I understand it's not personal, I don't think being almost 9 excuses this.  She clearly knows its not right or she wouldn't be sneaking the stuff.  My other step-daughter, her older sister, tells me how she will do something naughty at her moms house right in front of her, and when she tells her mother about it and the mom confronts her about what happened, she'll lie right to her face and say she didn't do it, then have a temper tantrum and "swear" she's telling the truth, despite my other sd knowing she did whatever it was.  

What do we do?  Is this normal behavior?  Unfortunately, counseling is out of the realm of possibility because my husband doesn't believe in it.  He has this idea that its "societies way of controlling our children".  He feels the same about kids that are diagnosed with ADHD and such. I do not share those same philosophies.  I don't know what to do.  And I'm worried my 3 year old is going to pick up on these behaviors and either start resenting her sister for it, or start doing the same things.  She already told me when she got the new Barbie for her bday "I have ta be careful so _____ doesn't take it (sd).  I have never said anything like this to her.  Please help.

[mammo]

I feel this little girl needs counseling to resolve whatever issues she is dealing with which are making her behave this way. This HAS to be a possibility!  I also feel she needs punishment when she does these things.  Children want boundaries, discipline is love and for your husband to blow it off as "normal" child behavior is wrong.  This lying and stealing is escalating, what will he say when she steals a car?  You truly need to get her evaluated by a specialist and go from there.  Your husband is not helping her by pretending this is normal, because it isn't.  Her actions are starting to affect the family and this will only get worse with age.

[ireande]

I agree with mammo. She seems to need consequences for her actions. Her mom probably doesn't punish this behavior and now it's scaling. I would try talking to one of the school's psychologists. This would be free and your husband wouldn't need to know. You can get her/his advice and plan a strategy to help your step-daughter change her behavior. This behavior can only scale with age. I really think though that you need to talk to your husband about therapy. Tell him to give you the chance to show to him what a therapist does. Just like you go to a doctor or a specialist for your physical health, there are specialists for mental health. Challenge your husband to explain exactly how he thinks the "government" controls individuals through therapy so he then can observe the therapy sessions and "intervene" if he feels at any time that the government control is happening. It is very unlikely he will have to intervene. I think sometimes individuals are a little bit more paranoid about things they don't really don't know about. Unless he wants to deal with a violent or unruly teenager, he will have to give a chance to therapy! I wish you success in this difficult journey. You are a great and caring mom!

[margypops]

Also find out why she is doing it, I would say jealousy at attention the 3 year old is getting.Work on your husband for the counseling .sounds like you both need to get on the same page ,could be the dynamics here upsetting her .good Luck

[noname1971]

I have a not so similar, but pieces of your situation - and would love to know if you find something that works.  I am recently married, and after we were married the SD decided that she wanted to live with us.  

She is 14 years old and gets by with everything because it is just "normal kid stuff".  I have a 21 year old of my own - girl - and it is not anywhere near the "normal kid stuff".  

She still wets the bed at night, and sometimes will be so lazy during the day as to poop herself because she is too busy watching a movie or playing video games.  (doctors have been consulted and their is nothing physically wrong with her - she just chooses not to get up and go to the bathroom at night.  Yes, we restrict the amount of drink in the evening and ensure that she uses the bathroom before going to bed - and even wake her up on the weekends to make sure she doesn't have an accident- at which times she tells us how much she hates us for waking her up)  We did restrict her video game playing and TV watching if she has an accident, and that works well; however, my husband doesn't want to "restrict" her on the weekends and holidays.....

Just this past week she wet the bed two nights in a row, and lied about it - put the wet clothes in her hamper with all the others, and didn't wash her sheets.  My husband discovered this while trying to get measurements for a Christmas gift for her room - she was staying over at her grandmother's house that day.  When she got home nothing was said to her, he washed her clothes and sheets and sprayed her room down with Febreeze to help with the smell. (lying, sneaking and bed wetting - just normal 14 year old kid stuff)  

Then she gorged herself while we were out Christmas shopping to the point that she threw up with whole grapes ... just shoving food down her throat.  (she is only 4'9" and weighs 130 lbs.. she isn't going without food by any means).

She is abusive to her brother, yet puts on a cry show if he barely touches her (which gets him a spanking - at 17)  

Very frustrated - and the lack of discipline from her father (and the non authority of me to do anything about it) makes me dislike her so much that I can hardly stand to be in the same room as her.  She disgusts me.

I hate that I feel that way, and would love to have a relationship with her  - but I can feel the acid in my stomach start to burn as soon as I try and she does something annoying... help.