8 yr old DAS is driving me out of my mind

[txadoptmom]

Background: Adopted DS at age 6, neglectful supervision.  Was on WAY too many meds at too high of dosages (Vyvanse 70mg, Clonidine increasing dosage).  Temper Tantrums/Rages that could last for hours.  

In a year and a half, we've made great progress.  We cut/changed his meds.  He's now on Vyvanse 30mg twice a day, Tenex 1/2 tablet twice a day, and melatonin 1/2 tab at night.  We rarely have temper tantrums/rages and the every day destruction of our house is under control.  

Our new issue is increasing ODD tendancies with the last 2 weeks resulting in spankings at school.  Normally, he would reserve that for me (mom), but his defiance has spilled over to the babysitter, bus driver, and in general at school.  He has hit a 4 yr old, stolen from a 2 yr old, and threatened to bite a classmate.  We started the month off with stern warnings and time outs for bad behavior.  This has escalated to being sent to his room (which has nothing but books, bedding, and clothes in it) for the evening if he is disrespectful, increased chores, and having his birthday canceled after getting in the bus driver's face and yelling at her.  He will defy us just to do it.  One night we were having pizza and watching HIS favorite movie.  He refused to eat his pizza (one slice) even after I told him that I was going to turn the movie off.  So I followed through and he hit the roof.  Its like he has no filter and can not stop himself from being defiant and disrespectful.

HELP! I am at a complete loss on how to stop this and turn it around.  It just continues to escalate and I guess he's trying to hold out on us so he can get his belongings back.  He's 8 with a 17 year old attitude.

[allmymarbles]

There are therapists and therapists, and psychiatrists and psychiatrists, and doctors and doctors, and none of them are identical. You have a child in your home who has low self esteem. Punishing him only serves to lower it further.

Take him out into the open air. Take him to the zoo, and buy him crackerjacks and laugh at the monkeys. Go bike riding with him. Give him a healthy outlet for his energy and anger. That is productive; sitting him down and yelling at him is counterproductive. Try to define his interests and build from there. And as for taking away his birthday? I would get rid of any "expert" who suggested such a cruelty.

This is a child. Apparently a damaged child. You took him on to rear, and for that you get plaudits. But you have to bring wisdom and compassion to your task. Wisdom may be something your therapists and psychiatrists don't have, since it is not required for a degree. Think like a mother, not like an avenging angel.

[margypops]

I agree with allmymarbles and I would have wanted to know why a school was hitting my child ...The post does sound full of punishment ..this child with  his back ground deserves compassion and kindness ...

[txadoptmom]

You may think its mean but his therapist and psychiatrist agreed.  We canceled his birthday following 2 weeks of escalating disrespectful behavior which including being disrespectful to all adults, hitting a 4yr old, stealing a toy from a 2 yr old, threatening to bite a classmate, and yelling/screaming at his bus driver.  Everything else from time outs, lost privileges, and even spankings had been tried.  May also re-read where we had decreased his meds from when he first arrived a year and half ago.  Instead of being judgemental, try to be helpful.

[allmymarbles]

P.S. Something else to think about. The meds themselves may be making things worse.

[allmymarbles]

You seem to be very heavy on punishment. I don't think that is the route you should follow. And canceling his birthday? That is just plain mean. You need a little compassion. That poor kiddie has not had much of a life. I don't know what happened to him until age six, but it probably wasn't good. Speak to a behavioral therapist to learn how to help him.

[txadoptmom]

Thank you for the information RR.  DS is domestic born and seemed to have had a "normal" upbringing until the age of 5.  He is attached and does show affection frequently.  Its just the defiance when he doesn't get his way.  I will check out the support group.  Thanks.

[RockRose]

WOW.  Excuse the mistakes.  I was thinking fast (and apparently about something else!) while I was typing.  

[RockRose]

HIs behavior sounds like he has Reactive attachment disorder.  A child who suffered from severe neglect in his early child hood is likely to be unable to bond with any humans,  and in fact doesn't really care what they think of him so the usual strategies for discipline don't work.  They feel isolate,  they feel like they aren't "part" of the human community.

As more and more children are coming to the US from Russian,  Chinese and other orphanages there are more and more support groups that help out parents with this disorder.  It's NOT an easy fix,   and parents need support along the way.  

These children are missing a foundation for emotional growth.  It's like they're a house built on sand.  No matter how much you try to fix up the house,  it's still on sand and won't be steady.  

I found this link for you with a support group in Houston.  You don't say where in Texas you live -

Anyway,  google reactive attachment disorder and see if it sounds about right.

Best wishes.

http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/Contacts.htm