8 yr old sleep problem

I have an 8 year old daughter who won't go to sleep. She complains that she's too tired to fall a sleep or just can't fall a sleep. However, if we lay with her or allow her to lay with us she's fine. If we fight her about it she gets extremely upset and loud and we eventually give in for fear of her waking our 3 year old. Any insight on how to handle this. It's been like this for a long time. Thanks.

[StrictlyTopSecret]

You daughter is now accustomed to the following scenario:

1.  Issue demand

2.  Parent declines demand.

3.  Escalate. Yell. Continue as long as necessary.

4.  Demand will be met.

The step at which to intervene is #3. At eight years old, your daughter can quite clearly understand cause and effect. Communicate, in no uncertain terms, that she is to remain in her bed (door open or closed: her perrogative) until (insert wake time here) unless she needs to use the toliet. Make her aware in advance of what the consequences will be if she chooses to make enough noise to wake her younger sibling (e.g., 30 minutes earlier bedtime the next night, 24 hour grounding, removal of favored toy - whatever works for you).

Set up a progress chart. Communicate to her that you are CONFIDENT that she can achieve this goal, and that you will do everything in your power to help her achieve it. For every night she is asleep in one or or less from the stated bedtime, have her place a sticker on the chart. When she has reached a total of 10 stickers, set up a reward (e.g., picnic with mom or dad, rent movie of her choice and watch with mom and dad, bike ride with mom and dad).

Ask your daughter if she has any additional ideas that she thinks will help her fall asleep on her own, in her own bed. If they are reasonable, incorporate them!

Set up a VERY PREDICTABLE bedtime routine. Tell you child in advance what that routine is going to be. At x time, take a soothing bath. After bath, light snack. After snack, quick chat with mom and dad to review the day and the events for the next day.

Next: bedtime.

Let her know the precise criteria for "in bed behavior". Although it is unreasonable to "demand" that she SLEEP, she absolutely can be expected to REMAIN IN HER BED (unless she needs to use the toliet) . I would suggest that you consider allowing soft music and/or book reading in bed. Sometimes a quieting down period including soothing music (instrumental) along with reading for a few minutes can be just the ticket.

The key to this is CONSISTENCY. The routine must be CONSISTENT, despite any initial squawking or fit throwing. She has been very successful for 8 years in using the "escalate until you get your way" method of getting mom/dad to lay with her until she falls asleep. It is unlikely that you will be able to help her out of an 8-year habit in a single night.

Assure her before bed that you are CONFIDENT that she will succeed. If she is fearful of the dark, offer a night light and/or door open.

If you are consistent, you will be successful in helping your daughter move forward and leave this behavior in the past.

Best of luck,
Michele

[Cleveland Mom]

stellar post, Michele.

[Rickm]

Thanks Michele. I tried our advice but it hasn't worked. We thought the fear of going to see her doctor to discuss it would help her fight her fears but it didn't work. It got worse. Now we're at the stage where she refuses to close her eyes. She isn't afraid it's just she won't evn try to fall asleep now.  Nothing seems to work. Which is a shame because she never was a good sleeper but 2 months ago she slept great for a 3 week period. She slept normal. Then she stopped and it's been a mess for a month. Any other advice? Thanks.

[Cleveland Mom]

It may be that your dtr. is having difficulties with anxiety.  The intervention outlined by Michele would have most likely worked if there isn't "something else going on" so-to-speak.  Anxiety is not a choice it is a biologically-based condition.  There are many good treatments and there is no reason for anyone to have to suffer with anxiety.  Contact your pediatrician or family doctor and request a referral for a behavioral health specialist i.e. child psychologist or child psychiatrist.

Best wishes...