8 yr. old with many problems

My 8 yr.old daughters dad and I are divorced And I am remarried with a 21/2 yr.old.My 8yr.old has court ordered visitation with her dad.He normally does not get her.He all ways has an excuse that she never beleives,so she gets mad at me and the rest of the family.She won't help with the house,she yells at everyone,and cries all the time.Here recently she has started to have temper tantrums.I keep her in the activities that she likes and normally she does real good in school,but when her dad doesn't get her for awhile her grades drop.I have tried to talk to him but it does no good.My husband tries to help get through these hard times and she loves him but its not the same to her.When she acts out I don't know what to do I've tried to ground her,take things away like her stereo,and even talk to her and tell her that the way she acts will not help the way things with real dad are.She tells me she just misses her dad.I feel sorry for her,but I can't let her do these things to me and the others.She has also told lies to people that she has no cloths when she does,she also told that my step-daughter beat her then later said she was lying.She always says its because she misses her dad,but thick she is so anger and wants attition that she lies.I try to help but I don't know what else to do.I really don't like seeing my daughter be so upset over things I feel I have no control over.I can't make him spend time with her.Can you please help us figure out how to deal with this?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Your daughter is having an understandable reaction to a difficult situation. Her father apparently lets her down over and over, and she feels sad and angry about this, which she should. And, since you are the folks around her, you inherit the reaction, even though it doesn't stem from you. Now, she is entitled to whatever emotional reaction she has, but she is not at the same time entitled to act out those feelings in ways that hurt others in the family. Continue, then, to set firm limits on the behavior, at the same time as you show understanding about her reactions. As a disciplinary tool, I'd suggest you employ time out more often as a general response to episodes of misbehavior. You can also establish an incentive system, whereby she is rewarded for displaying appropriate behavior,, particularly in the wake of a letdon by her father. Finally, consider arranging some therapy for her so that she can have a forum where she can address this matter with a person who is not in the family and who is trained to help chuildren master such happenings in their lives.