8yo and 5yo sleeping in bed

my 8yo and 5yo step-sons sleep in our bed.  We have gotten them to sleep part of the night in their room, but this lasts for only a few days.  then there are major tantrums.  Currently my wife says that getting them out into their own room is not age based, but developmental based.  8yo is PDD (very high functioning) and his father committed suicide 5 months ago.  But this was going on well before then.  My wife tried to get him out last month and is now saying that i am wrong for bringing up the issue.    the 5 yo "misses his dad".  am i wrong?  if not then how do i convince my wife and how do we get them into their own room.

fyi: they learned how to pop the lock so even if it is locked they come in (also the bathroom when we are using it).  there are 3 other children in the house.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

I won't pretend to even suggest how you can work this out with your wife - that is for the two of you to solve. However, I can tell you frankly that children sleeping in their own beds is not a developmentally-based accomplishment. Otherwise, all children would have been sleeping in the same bed with their parents for a time, and this simply does not occur with most children.

Parents setting limits with children (and in your wife's case, with herself) is an important skill. She should ask herself whose needs are being met by having the kids sleep in your bed. It's entirely possible she's unwittingly paying more attention to her needs than to the needs of the kids. If the two of you really want the kids to be sleeping in their own beds, you'll get it done. Be decisive, and don't expect the kids to make this easy for you.